To leave my BF all alone on christmas day?

[somethingelse12345]

Bit of a moral dilemma... to explain been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I love him but my mum doesn't like him, long story, she doesn't want him staying over round her house over christmas. None of us have a car so he'll have to stay over xmas eve and xmas day, which she doesn't want. She's in her 80s and believes he's 'no good' for not wanting to marry me. She doesn't want "a strange man" in her house. Yes really. (It's a cultural thing. if we were married it'd be different.)

But the worst thing is that he'll be all alone on Xmas day, unless he gets another invite. In the past he's gone to friends, but he hasn't had an invite yet. He's in a new flat-share so don't know who will be there on xmas day. His family are in another country so can't spend Christmas with them either.

I'm feeling so bad for him and so guilty, Surely it's sort of a 'sin' to know someone will be alone on Xmas day and not have them round!? I need to spend xmas with my mum as she's not going to be around for long. If it was up to me I'd spend it with him, but it's not possible this year. What should I do? My mum is all alone – and my BF is all alone! Either way I'm just going to feel guilty. It just feels so unfair and i'm not looking forward to xmas this year at all. . Any advice very, very much appreciated.

Time to put yourself and your BF first. Your DM might be 80 but it's time she learned a hard lesson.

How do you see yourself going forward from this point somethingelse12345?

When you read the replies from people on your thread, how do they make you feel?

You have a choice to upset your boyfriend and yourself (since you love and want to see him) or annoy your mother. Given she's controlling, you may want to consider that deferring to her and playing dutiful daughter does lead to your partner having a girlfriend problem.

It could be she has not many Christmas left but is she ill and frail? I know a fair few who are in body and/or mind yet with good care are going strong well into their 90s!

Have you considered cbt for help with dealing with your mum if she's controlling and demanding? Or will you jump to her tune, whatever it may be, always?

@Herocomplex Thank you, yes I'm OK. I do not have any family, but my DH has parents, children and grandchildren. They have Christmas together while I demolish a bottle of prosecco at home. I prefer it to being with them and knowing they don't want me around, to be honest.

It would be really awful to leave him all alone on Christmas Day because of your mums horrible outdated views and controlling behavior. Really awful. I think you need to stand up for him and tell him either he comes or neither of you do. If she doesn’t want him there then that’s fine. You can have Christmas with your boyfriend and she can sit at home and finally see some consequences to being cruel and judgemental.

*tell your mum, I mean. Not your boyfriend!

I would have dumped you 4 years ago OP.

He knows what my mum is like.

Cop out response.

He understands, and he's never made me choose.

Cop out response.

I'm feeling the pressure

because you know you're treating him appallingly.

Is there no one else your mum can spend Xmas with? Siblings? Friends? I think it's time to prioritise your relationship as she's being extremely unfair and uncharitable!

Invite them both to yours.
Ignore any judgemental comments or tell your mother to stop making them.
It's very bad for you and also for your relationship to allow your DM to call the shots and to walk all over you.
Consider counselling for yourself to help build assertiveness and relationship skills. Life does not have to be this way.

Hi OP
I think you should tell your dm its both of you of you or nobody.
And that she treats him in a nice manner.
If she is incapable of doing this then perhaps she can spend the day with a close friend?
She won't take kindly to you making a stand after all these years of bullying you but will possibly respect you for it and hopefully agree to your condition.
Leaving him alone every year?is it?is unfair.
Hope it all works out for all of you.You never know she might decide she likes him if she takes the trouble to get to know him😊

I can only echo what everyone else is saying, your DM is being selfish and you know it.

What do YOU want to do? Take away obligation, guilt and 'duty' and what do you want? Then do that.

How far do you live from her? Could you just go there and cook lunch and stay a couple of hours?