No present for oldest child?

[Wingingit247]

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

It's shit and it's mean but all he'll say is that they're his grandchildren.

It would be nice if he included your DS and most people would, but it's a fact, one he knows and will stick with.

Glad you’re going to deal with this OP.

It doesn’t reflect well on your DH either, if he didn’t bother to address it with his father.

Priority is protecting your son here. Because it doesn’t just make him feel lesser and hurt when it happens, it creates a wedge between him and his siblings.

That's sad 😔, my DP's family include my eldest DD (from an earlier relationship) as my family include my stepDS. She calls his parents nanny and grandad and even extended family (DP's aunts and uncles) remember her at Xmas and birthdays.

DP's brother however, is a bit of an arse and every Xmas used to come to the family boxing day gathering larger than life making a big deal of all the gifts he's bought the children but never anything for my DD. I know he's not obliged to but it always made me sad seeing her disappointed face. I try to distract her when he arrives now although since he and DP fell out, he doesn't bother with any of our children and only buys for the rest of the family. I still buy for his children though because I couldn't bear to exclude a child

Just remind him that the younger two’s grandad isn’t family and it’s okay for him not to treat him like family either

Sorry I don't agree. My parents have step-grandchildren and they have always been treated the same. They are also included in their will.

How close is he to your eldest, OP? Do they otherwise act like grandfather/grandson or are there boundaries your FIL adheres to himself or is expected to respect? Has being a step father been easy for your DH, have there been lots of complications that FIL is aware of?

I'm trying to get a picture of whether it's likely FIL doesn't approve of the situation on any level.

In all honesty though there have been quite a few comments saying you should say things like "where's x's pound", "you treat them all the same thankyou very much" and if I were in his position (especially if it had already not been plain sailing to accommodate the situation but this is unclear) this would really piss me off. It wasn't his decision for his son to get involved with someone with a child and if I then had them being openly rude and demanding to me about the situation I would find it very annoying and entitled and it would probably put me off bonding with the child. Not so bad if you were polite about it and just focused on the poor boys hurt feelings, but I do think it would generally be better coming from your husband who he has a level of obligation to.

That s really sad. Poor boy. Definitely say something. It s not about the gift as much as feeling you belong to the family and are all equal.
I grew up in a blended family where we were all told off/bought presents/treated equally. Except my stepmum had no daughters so always had a soft spot for me .
On the other hand my father is now 78 and still remembers christmases where his half siblings had more and better presents due to his stepdad not including him.
Kids remember these things.

Logically, if your FIL doesn't want to change his behaviour, you will have to start reciprocating the relationship. If he doesn't want to give your eldest a Xmas gift because they are only related by marriage, you don't have to give your FIL a Xmas gift because you are only related by marriage.

Thats absolutely disgusting behaviour.
How do you keep quiet about this ?
What a mean old man.

I know it sounds silly now, but I was worried I was being petty, my DS is my world, and I'm absolutely mortified to feel I've let this go on longer that it should. In reality, given that it's only really been the last year or so, it's happened a handful of times but once was obviously too much! It 100% won't happen again anyway! It was such a relief to see 99% of you saying it wasn't right, made me feel totally justified on standing firm on this! I'm not going to be confrontational, just send an email to let him know that it hurts my eldest and makes him feel excluded, and that if he can't make sure he treats them all equally that I don't want him to give anything to any of them!

That’s ridiculous that he would ever exclude a child. I am a childminder and when my Mum visits she brings gifts for my children and also any that I happen to be looking after at the time. You should never exclude a child, it’s basic manners.

I think it's worth having a very, very gentle conversation with GF about this, explaining that as your oldest doesn't have a paternal grandad of his own, and he is such an awesome grandad, it would be wonderful for your older son if he would include him as his grandchild too and treat him the same as the others. Express it as a favour for a child who has not had his grandchildren's advantages, though, and not as an accusation that he has been unkind. He may have believed he did not have a "right" to act like your child's grandad.

I really find this appalling, I know you say your FIL is a nice person, but no matter what we all think, his action is making a clear statement and he knows it and it is very hurtful.
Unfortunately you probably can’t change his mind but, I would tell him in no certain terms, I wouldn’t mess about actual facts as in you are doing this and my child feels like that and u know this ASSHOLE or words to that effect.
Then tell him that if he wants to by the 2 children a present then you will provide a third present which he must give to your eldest child at the same time without say who it’s from.

My mil used to do this. Would bring something every visit for dd nothing for ds. Both dc were her Grandchildren. Her excuse was she had had 3 ds, then 3 dgs so wanted ti enjoy buying girlie things. DS always left out couldn't understand.

Terrible MO for the FIL! I’d tell your husband to state if he can’t treat your family the same then you’d rather he didn’t buy presents at all! What a mean thing to do!!

This is a real tough one.

Personally I couldn’t leave one child out relation or not, but at the same time you cannot expect him to spend money on a child who is technically nothing to do with him.

I suppose this is just an unfortunate consequent of people now having kids with all different men and women. We are a blended family and it’s so difficult for us, especially with the children being all different ages as well!

That’s not on .
My ds isn’t my dh’s but dh’s family treat him as one of their own and he gets exactly the same treatment as their other grandchildren.
My nan however favours my niece over my ds, took her on a very expensive holiday and gifted her an iPhone right in front my ds’ face.
He just shrugs now but has always pissed me off massively

I’ve read some replies. I don’t think it’s ok at all to leave any child out and the eldest is family. I bought my children’s step brother, their dads partner’s child a treat once because I was dropping my kids off at their house and didn’t want to leave him out. It’s not the child’s fault the situation is as it is. Adults should learn to rise above who is blood family and treat the kids the same as much as possible. I’m not sure he is that nice if this needs to be pointed out to him. Any decent person would automatically know that. Poor kid. Tell him to stop or bring for all three. Or could you buy a gift for your eldest when you know he is coming and ask your Fil to give it to your son as if from him?? What is wrong with people that they think this is acceptable behaviour? It’s mean.

Wow, I could have written this! I've been with DH for 23 years, since my daughters were 3 & 4. His parents never bought them presents as they said they couldn't afford it, or would give them £5, whilst DH was given very expensive presents. It was always very embarrassing and as my daughters grew up, they realised how hurtful it was. When our son was born, suddenly they found money to buy very extravagant presents for him, whilst still giving the girls much cheaper token gifts. We have told them to treat the children all the same but they never have. They also implemented a new rule that when the DDs turned 16, they were too old to get a birthday present and now the rule has extended to Xmas presents. All other adults get presents, my DDs are the only people not to get any presents. The in-laws fail to see how hurtful and spiteful it is even though we have told them. They have also taken the opportunity to tell me when we were visiting (and my DH was out the room), that DDs are not included in their will and that they are not their grandchildren. We weren't even discussing it! They have sometimes sent cards from 'Grandparents' but have never accepted them into the family and that's what hurts. DDs consider DH their Dad and call him Dad. My extended family has non-biological children and we would not dream of treating them any differently, we love them all the same. Hence, I have not spoken or seen the small-minded in-laws for a year now.......No loss to me!

I mean...he isn't obligated to but it is a bit mean. After 10 years of your DH basically being this kids father you'd think he would sort of just embrace being a grandparent and get something small as a gesture. My MIL doesn't treat her other DILs son from another marriage any differently to my DCs. To her they are all her grandkids 🤷🏼‍♀️

If the older child isn't "family" because he's not a blood relative then neither is the OP …

I would take the gifts off him and put them in a cupboard. Tell him you're not giving them to the children as it's unfair and you've asked him not to do this.

Apart from how your older son feels, what sort of message is this sending his siblings ???

The eldest dad is very unlikely to be buying all three or being told not to buy anything or take DS anywhere as the others are missing out. Seems a little unfair to only single out one person for doing it.

I’d have bought a token gift but wouldn’t spend as much on non related children as my own grandchildren as they would have their own side of the family however small. Exception being adoption as they would legally be family then.

That's terrible behaviour from fil and heart breaking for your eldest ds. Yanbu but I don't think your dh has/is handling the situation very well either. I think it's very cruel tbh

The biological father and his relationship with his own son outside of the home is completely different to a man of who is attached to the family unit and coming into this boys home!!!

Hi OP my DH’s grandmother does this and I just send the gifts back unopened with a note saying we treat both children equally and won’t accept her doing otherwise.
Its ignorant and mean. Both DH and In laws have also taken this stance with her, not that its made any impact on her behaviour- don’t think she will ever change- she’s old as fuck really enjoys causing strife between her family and is mostly powered by piss, vinegar and Satan’s favour these days.

Glad to hear you taking action OP. I too fail to see how anyone, no matter how nice a person they may appear to be, can be oblivious to such exclusion.

Myself and my 2 younger siblings dealt with a lifetime of this obvious ostracising from SFs family. 3 of us made to sit together silently in a corner while SF, half SIS and my M got showered with gifts and had cheerful happy family photos together while we just watched on. The gifts weren't the issue, it was the blatant "you are not family, merely your mothers tagalong's, make yourselves invisible whilst with us" that made me choke back tears at every 'family' occasion. I'm still angry at how my mother allowed it.

And these people were devout Christians,

Years later I still tried to include them and invited them to my wedding. They didn't come, didn't even have the decency to RSVP and decline, simply told SF to tell me "it's too far to travel". However(!) a week later after my wedding I got an email from one of them asking for the 'lovely photos' from my wedding.... but only the photo's containing SF, M, half sis and SB and his family. Not, me. Not my siblings. Not my DS or my DH. No, why would they want them!

That hurt was felt all over again, even as a grown adult.

You are just leftovers from a past we don't give a shit about is what it says when you start excluding step children with something as simple as a token gift.