No present for oldest child?

[Wingingit247]

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

@BillHadersNewWife

I'm not the one saying paternal grandfather is dead when he isn't- that's you. And you have the cheek to say I sound weird? At least I don't make things up to try to prove a point. That is really weird.

If no one had told the poor man he's expected to buy for everyone it's a bit much to complain that he doesn't. He may well have no idea how annoyed OP is. His son should have said something years ago.

And do people think he should make the child an heir? I'm genuinely interested because that's the logical conclusion.

My Husband has a stepchild from his first marriage, the child of the stepchild is our Grandchild, no ifs, no buts they just are. We also have a another granchild that has none of our DNA but he is loved and adored just like all the rest

Leaves dead, crap whatever.....he's not in the picture and it's not going to make your unpleasant opinion any more valid.

If no one had told the poor man he's expected to buy for everyone it's a bit much to complain that he doesn't.

Unless he suffers from some sort of learning issue, he doesn't need telling.

My best friend since school has been at the receiving end of this.

Her dm remarried when she was a toddler and then went on to have another 4 children. Her step dad was ok with her but her step grandparents and extended family, not so much. They made it obviously they didn’t consider her one of their own. Never got her a Xmas present or birthday card. They used to come loaded with presents for the other 4 but she was told she had her own grandparents so she wouldn’t be getting one. It really messed her up and she spent a lot of time at our house as she felt like they didn’t want her around.

It came to a head when she was late teens and the grandparents gifted the family tickets to Australia for a once in a lifetime holiday. They refused to pay for her ticket and accommodation and her parents couldn’t afford the £2000+ cost for her so they all went without her. She’s nc with all of them now.

Leaves, wills are a very different thing to Christmas presents😊.

You treat young children the same, you don’t appear at the door with presents for two and leave one little soul in the corner.

Let’s not extend this to wills. It’s a very different thing and I think you are being deliberately mischevious.

Yanbu. Dp's parents/ dsd's grandparents treat dd exactly the same as dsd and their other gc because she is still just as much their grandchild regardless of dna.

And completely agree it's the gesture, not the gift itself that will be hurtful to your ds.

So there is some paternal family then if dad is still around. Do you insist they buy all the children or tell them not to buy your eldest anything if they don’t?

It would be nice if FIL bought a token gift as that’s what most would do but he’s under no obligation to treat them the same as one isn’t his grandchild. If adopted, it would be very different.

Having been a step child, not everything can be equal when so many elements are involved.

@YabaDabaDoo, did her mum go on the holiday as well?

That's really thoughtless, OP. I'd have a word.

@DriftingLeaves, it only started since the youngest was born.

When he gave two of them £1 and left one out, there was no excuse. As said, you'd give to a visiting child.

OP You absolutely can't let this continue and especially over Christmas. I'd be very disappointed in my DH, he obviously doesn't think all the children are equal, or he wouldn't stand for it.

What's the age gap between the 2 youngest and the eldest DC? You said he gave them £1 and the older boy looked upset.......ITS £1!!! You said yourself he is a bit old for the things the FIL brings so he's not actually missing out on anything surely?

There was a similar thread not so long ago and actually on that one most people said well he's not the Childs biological family (think it was a grandmother) so you can't force them so I'm surprised this thread is so different

Oh dear, I'd be on my partner's case pronto to shake some sense into their dad asap. I'm usually very chilled but this, and watching the discomfort and hurt in the child, no, that's awful. Hopefully the grand dad is just not getting it, but really your husband needs to tell him one can just not do that.

When he comes round to lunch give all the potatoes to yourself and the boys, not your husband or DH.. If they question it, say, well the boys are all my blood relatives, aren't they? He'll soon get the message.

You can’t accept this, it is terrible behaviour. Tell him he’s not welcome unless he’s bringing three gifts.
Or compensate by telling your eldest that grandad is a thoughtless old fool and you and he will take a special trip wherever he wants to go to spend some money you’ll give him.
Your poor son, what awful behaviour from an adult

Oh please it's cruel behavior Drifting leaves and you're not going against the grain you're going against basic human compassion towards a child

I can’t stand all of this blood is thicker than water rubbish. A family is bound by love, not DNA. drifting you seem very aggressive in your response, and you also have some very peculiar views. I’m glad you’re not in my family. But if you were, I’d still buy you a present. Because that would be the decent, kind thing to do.

And can everyone stop with the i can’t believe you have let this go on for so long stuff too? It’s not been years, Op has tried and I think she’s got the message. Do posters really think that their twopence worth of repetition is vital to the thread?

I’m going to go against the grain here. He isn’t a grandchild. He is a step sibling of his grandchildren. It really is a different relationship. It’s not his fault that your eldest grandparents aren’t involved.

I agree with pp saying you need to develop your own traditions with DS and perhaps try to develop family links on his dads side. He isn’t any relation to grandad, although it would be nice to be acknowledged, for sure.

Peculiar views? As has already been said a similar thread went the exact opposite way recently so not just me.

I said it would be kind if FIL bought a present in my first post but feel free to ignore that. I do think that if no one has said anything then how is he to know OP is upset? Maybe he thinks DS's birth grandfather buys him stuff.

And I am very curious about whether people think he should be in the will. Either he's equal (according to some posters) or he isn't - what do people really think?

Met dp when my eldest was 2 also. On the occasions this happened I called his dad out on it and told him if he can't treat them the same don't bother with either. I went as far as to send something back at Christmas because I was sick of it. Now they are treated the same.

your eldest isn't any relation of your FIL
If you want to look at it like that, then technically I’m not related to my MIL or SIL because we’re not blood relatives. So should they not give me a Xmas present? Or what about my friend, who isn’t related to me at all - should she not give me a present? Presents aren’t only for blood relatives!

DriftingLeaves There are 3 adopted ''children'' in my OH's family and they have been excluded from benefiting from the Estates of aging Aunts to the point that multiple family trusts have been set up, one that directly received funds from the deceased grandparents' estates.

For the life of me, I do not understand how adults who have been brought up with cousins and brothers (adopted at birth) can turn around and say they are not family. But then that is just greed when it comes to inheritance.

Jesus anybody on here saying this is ok needs there head looked at .I have two grandaughters and not once have I ever thought the eldest not our grandchild because she doesn't share our DNA. They are both loved even if he didn't love your eldest to be so blatent in his disregard for a child's feelings is so wrong on so many levels

That's dreadful, ExPat. Adoption makes them family. They have no other relatives to inherit from.

Very sad.

One of my cousins isn't related to me by blood, but I'd be very angry with anyone who suggested that she might not be family. My uncle never cared that he wasn't her birth father and neither do I. Only my grandmother made a point of making sure that she would never inherit any part of her estate because she wasn't "real family". My uncle had adopted her, but that wasn't enough for my grandmother. Nobody else in the family cared what granny said, we all just thought she was being unpleasant.

No sane adult wouldn't see the harm in creating division like this. No child should feel lesser because of an accident of birth. And to be honest, no parent should allow it.