No present for oldest child?

[Wingingit247]

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

Leaves, if I take my nephew and his friend out I buy stuff for both of them. If I visit a house with three children loving there, I bring present for all children. I would never give two children a pound coin and not do the same for a third child (their sibling) standing beside them.

I was taught manners as a child and I have basic emotional awareness.

This is very different from my will, in which I will leave my money to whomever I please. The grandfather Does not have to leave a portion of his estate to a child who is only related to him by marriage. However he should have the common decency to buy the child a token present when he arrives with presents for the other children living in the home.

They are two very different situations. This is obvious, no?

I would say adopted children have a different status to step children.

I have adopted family members and it makes me cross when people suggest adopting a child and becoming a step parent are the same thing. It devalues adoption.

That's blatantly unkind & mean - I'd have had to say something long ago. Explicitly & repeatedly.

One way to resolve this is to buy a gift on his behalf and ask him to give it to your eldest saying he considers him his grandfather and is hurt at being left out.

That should shame him enough if done once.

I tend to assume people are a bit clueless before I leap to assuming they are being intentionally cruel, so I'd be willing to give him another chance.

Personally, I would talk to him myself, frame it as "our son is very hurt because he sees you as family - you are the only granddad he has ever known", and insist that he brings 3 presents or no presents. Next time he plans to visit I would have £5 (or something) ready in an envelope and if he pulls the stunt again take him to one side, tell him it's absolutely not on and give him the envelope to give to your son.

Then I would go mental.

Winging

Please apologise to your son for leaving it so long. It was a mistake and you shouldn't beat yourself up.
We all get it wrong sometimes "Kids don't come with manuals"
He needs to know above everyone else you are on his side.
You sound like a brilliant mum

Very hurtful for your eldest DS. Tactless & unkind grandfather. I would ask DH to speak to GF & if he persists in this
meanness, he is just not welcome at your house.

What paulhollywood said.

This shouldn’t have gone on for ten years but it’s never too late to sort it. What does your DS call him? Sends card with grandad on?

Not always dolly. My dsd is my child, just not biologically, same as an adopted child. Legally I have parental rights, but more importantly I have been her full time mother for over half her life, and will always be. Just because the formalities came about through dp rather than a matching panel it doesn't make her status any different.

Not all step parents play a once a week supporting role to two loving biological parents.

Glad to hear you're sorting it. You've been too passive and it's not as if your son is 18 or above. He's still quite little at what, 12? So I wouldn't allow this to happen in my house and it needs to stop now.

Train, sorry yes this does seem to be the same as adoption. Sorry. I did mean to more pedestrian step parent who is additional to two parents.

Can I ask why you haven’t adopted her? (I am trying miserably to phrase that is a way which sounds like a genuine question Rather than a goody mumsnet one, but can’t. It is genuine though)

Same here, I have ILs who have known my son, their step relation, for years now. We visited regularly.

And yet now I have their blood relation child who is younger oldest is dropped. No presents. No cards. Nothing. Yet they fawn over the youngest. I think it’s pretty disgusting to be honest, and although I’m criticised, ive started being more vocal especially if my older son is there. Not ‘where is his presents your bastards’ (which is what I’d love to say) but
‘Oh, no present for older DS?’ Cue smile and expectant face.

Older DS always says he doesn’t mind but I think he secretly likes that I stick up for him. Someone has to!

Dont understand how anyone can leave a child out,it must be very hurtful to your boy. Says to me the grandad doesnt accept your oldest as part of his family, i could understand that slightly in the first couple of years but not after all this time. I have 3 step granchildren and right from the start they were treated the exact same as my paternal granchildren. Id ask your DH to speak to him again and try to get him to grasp how it must feel for the eldest. Nobody can force anyone to buy presents but id certainly be saying if he cant find it in his heart to give all then i wouldnt accept any gifts for the others.

You say your fil is a nice man op. However he must be very insensitive to give a pound to two kids and leave a third child out. If my two grandchildren had a friend in and I was giving them a pound each to buy sweets at the local shop, of course I would give the friend a pound as well. Who wouldn't?
If the fil is extremely thoughtless but of a nice nature I'm sure that if you tell him how hurt your ds is he will change his ways. Remind him that your ds has thought of him as a grandparent since he was 2 years old and can't remember a time he wasn't in his life. If the gifts are inexpensive tell him that if its a question of money you and dh would prefer it if he just divides what he was originally spending 3 ways. For instance instead of a pound for 2 a mars bar for 3 Make sure you include saying that your dh as well as you would prefer this. In any event make sure one way or another your eldest is never left out again even if you have to do the compensating. Good luck in sorting this op as sorted it must be or it will come back to bite you at some stage.

Absolutely not acceptable😡

The moment you decided to share lives with your partner everyone knew that you and your son came together " as a package" so the
grandfather should treat him equally as one of his own.
It is not fair on your boy....I can't even imagine how he might be feeling! It must be heartbreaking.

However since the grandfather is not getting the message I would suggest something :

Keep a little something with you, like a small present. Whenever the grandfather comes to visit and he brings the 2 gifts, you offer your child the gift that u kept aside in front of him.( in the meantime you could give a couple of chocolates to the other two just not to make them feel left out)
This way the grandfather might get the visual message which will make him realise that your child is a child like the others and he deserves a gift too and mostly he deserves to be considered equally.
May be next time he will feel bad and will get something for everyone.

Invite him round for Sunday roast. Have him sit at the table and dish up for everyone but him. When he queries it say "you're not related to me and I bought and cooked the food" or use it as an example as to how unkind it is to treat a child so differently just because they're not related by blood......

DHs dad needs to be told if he cant buy for all 3 dont buy at all!
That is wrong on so many levels and houldnt have been allowed to continue after the first time it happened.

and please do it before you son sees you not stepping up for him.and tell your dh this too.because he will see it.and he will then see it as your dh doesnt think he is as important or part of family.and then you too...

I have a dsgs. No way would 8 treat him differently to my dgc. Actually I spend more time with him and money as he is the same age as my you get 2 ds's so will often come to stay etc

It's horrible behaviour. I don't know how people can try and justify it at all, especially him not giving older gs a pound.

Op it's hard to see from your posts but is DS1 a lot older than the other two? You say it's only just started happening and that he's normally a lovely man. I wonder if he thinks DS1 is too old for little toys and a £1. I'll never forget a friend telling me when he was about 10 or 11 he went to hug his dad goodnight like he'd always done but his Dad stoped him and said 'I think you're a bit old for that now'. It broke his little heart and mine too when I heard the story. He has a great relationship with his Dad even now but he was old fashioned and felt boys grow into young men and shouldn't have the little kid stuff. (Obviously I don't think you should ever stop hugging your kids)

I just wonder if it's more about this than your DS being 'not family'. Obviously if it is about blood relatives then it's very shitty. In fact whatever the reason it needs addressing. Just thinking there might be another reason.

I might be making assumptions here, so if they are incorrect, I apologise. Reading your posts I imagine that your eldest DC calls your FIL 'grandad' ? I also imagine the hurt does not stem from the lack of a present, but because the grandad, or at least, the man DC regards as grandad chooses to leave him out when he gives gifts to the others. If this is the case , I would tell your eldest DC to start calling FIL by his name. If FIL says anything, remind him that since he doesn't act like a grandad, he is not entitled to be called one.

I am so glad that when I grew up as a step-child and step - grandchild, the adults in our family completely regarded me and my sibling as actual children and grandchildren and that we and, later on, our own children were not treated any differently to any other children in the family.

Valanice1989

Yes, the dm went as well. As my friend was 17, her dm said she would be fine being left alone and they went for 2 weeks without her.

Yaba I am horrified for your poor friend! What a hideous 'family' she had. I hope she's got better family now in her friends.

winterdaysarehere "He claimed he didn't think the youngest (11 months) would eat chocolate!"

^But surely he's right isn't he? You wouldn't give a chocolate selection box to a baby!!

I think I probably would have done the same in that situation: if I was only giving sweets/chocolate I wouldn't have given anything to the baby. At 11 months, he/she would be unaware of gift-giving protocols and feelings wouldn't be hurt.

YANBU.

It always amazes me how some people think it is ok to marginalise and exclude a child over this.

I would definitely make DH talk to him and sort it out.