No present for oldest child?

[Wingingit247]

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

Good for you taking action OP. That little boy is hurting. Next time fil arrives have a quick word with him at the door and if he says shit I forgot about your eldest make sure you slip him a tenner and tell him to give it to the boy from himself, no need to mention it was from your purse.

I can’t believe someone would do such a thing as to single out a child. So sad.

It really only started a couple of years ago after youngest DS was born and he was old enough to open presents. Occasionally eldest DS would get something too, but it has become more pronounced in the last year. I told DH to say something about 3 months ago but either it fell on deaf ears or he didn't say the right thing. I'll have to take matters into my own hands now obviously!

We have a distant cousin on my DH side who has a SDD as well as her own DD now.

We don’t seem them much (I have seen her baby DD for first time this weekend) so haven’t got into the routine of buying regular presents for her or her sister’s kids, but I give some money when we do see them.

I gave some money in an envelope this weekend and specifically wrote “money for the children” on that given to the one with a SDD.

Whilst I have met the SDD only once, at the relatives wedding, I know that she is very much included as part of the family and I wanted her mum to know the money was for both children.

Ohhhhh, that's so mean. Poor wee boy. I think your DH will have to explain to him explictly it's either no toys, or toys for all. The damage to his self esteem could be immeasurable, speaking as a the once stepchild myself. That said, my mother would never in a million years have accepted that behaviour from my stepfathers family, you need to step in and put a stop to it once and for all.

That is really mean behavior.
Well done OP for saying that you are putting a stop to it.
I would have a quick, very clear word with him alone before he sees the dc again. It really isn't on.

I don't agree with this. They are family. And if OP takes DS out every time the Grandad arrives things will never improve

I dunno - it very much points out the disapproval doesn't it. Perhaps the grandfather needs it sturdily pointed out before he'll belt up and bring something, even something token, for the eldest.

but then it's the younger two that'll feel like their missing out instead perhaps (although I've always explained to mine that some alone time with mum each is completely fair)

@SunshineCake
🎈🎉
For you. I hope life is better for you now.
Op, if your husband won't sort this shitty behaviour out then you need to do it, now. Before your son is even more affected. Try not to feel too bad, it's not your fault but it is up to you to get this cruel behaviour stopped.

Having been a stepchild myself I know only too well how easy it is to feel a bit sidelined, makes me feel even worse now that I didn't jump on this the moment it started!! It won't happen again or he won't visit again.

That's really insensitive ( and downright rude) however if this has been going on for 10years it's going to be hard to change he behaviour. Your DH needs to be clear with him. He may feel more of a connection to his biological grandkids but that doesn't excuse leaving their half brother out.

Can you send father in law an email, with Christmas coming up? just spell it out that your eldest gets upset. He is only 12 and as he was two when you became a family - he has known your son for most of his life.

I would just say that all the children need to receive something or they all receive nothing. You don't need to fall out about it, just say it as it is.

In your fil defence, he may wrongly assume that your son receieves gifts from his fathers' side that the other two children do not.

Glad you posted this and have seen the light, I am enraged on your son's behalf!! Awful behaviour by your FIL am appalled it has been going on for so long, he needs telling!! Relieved that in so many other cases step children are treated the same as genetically related children.

He is not a lovely chap.. if you’d only been together a short time then I’d kinda understand but long term with 2 kids with each other. Completely and utterly wrong

My stepdads mum was the same. My stepdad treated me and my brother as his own but she couldn’t accept us. We got nothing.. my younger sister got presents. My mum hasn’t spoken to her in years because of the way she was.

My mil treats DS (from a previous relationship) and DD the same.

Another example. Years ago my uncle had 2 step kids. My grandparents treated them the same as they did us, their bio grandchildren.

I can’t see why anyone would do any different?

It’s just horrible. He’s a child FGS. Your FIL needs to learn some common decency. I’m afraid I wouldn’t permit him to give gifts to just two children - if he doesn’t respect your request to not bring gifts then you need to refuse the gifts he brings. Show some solidarity between your family and just say no, these two don’t want gifts when their sibling is being excluded, please take them away with you.

Maybe I am giving him too much credit, but I think he will be genuinely mortified when I tell him how hurt eldest DS has been. But regardless, DS is my priority, and I will ensure that he gets treated the same from now on! There is no half brother stuff in our house, I've always emphasised that and all 3 DC are exceptionally close and loving, FIL is the only one who ever treats them like they're different. Luckily MIL is amazing and always treats them all the same (divorced from FIL many years ago) as does SIL.

I'd struggle to be a host to this man to be honest.

As everyone’s said, it’s not okay. I’m a step mum and only recently had my own DC. My family have always treated my DSC as mine for the purpose of gift giving and it’s always meant a huge amount to me how welcoming and generous they’ve been. They were the first children in my life and they’re my family.

Of course your son is hurt by this clear division and it’s time you said something

This is unacceptable .
Your dh should stop it and if any gifts arrive for the other two they should be returned.

I can't believe anyone could do that.

If either of my boys marry someone with children then those children will be part of my family. I obviously wouldn't push in when unwanted if they already have all the grandparents they could need but I'd make it clear there was no difference between them and any children my son might have with their mother. It's family. Blood doesn't come into that.

I only have the one child granted but I would be raging if someone actively excluded her like that and they would not come through my front door again . Bloody cheek of him.

My eldest 'stepson' isn't actually a stepson. My OH was with his mother from him being two years old. He's always treated him like a son (his dad works away and only gets home about three/four times a year).
l view him as a stepson as much as l do my OH's son. And so do my OH's parents, fair play to them. Eldest's grandparents are the same with the youngest.
l can understand (to a degree) not wanting to treat someone who's not 'blood' the same as your actual relatives, but really? Surely it wouldn't kill him to bring something small for your eldest when he comes with presents for the other two? lt's unkind and insensitive.

Bless your son for putting on a brave face. It's actually quite embarrassing for him as well as upsetting. As a mother, it would hurt me even more to repeatedly have a child of mine dismissed in this way. It's awful. Please put a stop to it.

I think he will be genuinely mortified when I tell him how hurt eldest DS has been

Oh no he won't. He knows enough about children to know they love presents...or he wouldn't keep bringing them.

He KNOWS what he's doing! I wish everyone would stop making excuses for people like this. It's absolutely not on. My bet OP, is that your FIL will be annoyed. Annoyed that you've had the temerity to bring it up and annoyed that he can't keep on leaving your DS out.

Just prepare yourself for anything.

Don't rely on your DH to do it - your eldest son isn't his so he may not even be fully on board how hurtful it is for him and feel the urgency , please say something to your FIL especially with xmas coming.

Refuse any gifts. Give him them back. How horrible and mean. Not lovely.

This is horrendous, why have you and your husband accepted it for so long?

I can't imagine ever being so mean to a child.