Is anyone BU here over childcare?

[holidayhelpp]

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

That's a lot of As and Bs. Pay for your own childcare like the rest of us have to do.

I also read it as the MIL doing one day a week which was for B's child only. One day a week is a lot on a regular basis! Still think A is massively unreasonable, but there is no way A will agree.

are you joking? This woman has given up a least a decadeish to provide childcare for HER children. If OP has a problem then she can pay for it. More cool her for having a child with 3 step children. Her child isn't the first and there is no clean slate

no, I'm not joking, its unfair to treat your grandchildren differently, which she is doing. If she wasn't willing to offer them all the same, she shouldn't have done anyones childcare in the first place.

"her child isn't the first" - yep and this is how the children of "second families" get disregarded because the GPs have done it all before and CBA with the new child.

Bollykecks that's a rather individual interpretation of a grandparent's love - no childcare, don't care - you think grandparents should commit to raising their grandchildren as well as their own children, the childcare never stops? What about their own life? Not everyone lives close to grandparents, it's simply not possible (or a good idea IMO).

I don't see the MIL caring less for the child because she's not willing to put her own life on hold YET AGAIN for freebies. She's done her time, three times over with A's children - B is lucky to get anything after that!

Cross-post there. How many children her own children have is completely outside any mother's control! Best not to do any in that case, be warned MNetters!

Why can't the teenagers help with childcare?

Because the baby is not their child either.

And they will have school/college/jobs of their own.

What a ridiculous suggestion.

If OP wants her child to have as good relationship with the MiL as it's siblings then it is OPs and her DHs responsibility to nurture that bond. Through asking MIL around for lunch. Planning fun days out at the zoo or beach.

Things which do not put MIL into a parenting role for free!!

Yes. There usually is a difference between second families.
Because there is usually a large passing of time.

MIL has gotten older. She has given her son more than enough time. She owes Op nothing. OP should've looked into childcare before becoming pregnant.

MIL has previously helped Son A and is now helping Son B.

It's not MIL's responsibility to make up for the lack of support from DIL A's family.

Son & DIL A are being unreasonable in expecting MIL to give even more of her time and energy to Son A's children.

So should grandparents carry on providing childcare for as many grandchildren as they have? What a bonkers suggestion ... some (feckless) men go have two or three more families, should the grandparents provide endless childcare?

I reiterate, no way would I provide childcare for my adult children (emergencies excepted).

@Bollykecks by your reckoning MIL should have said to DS A about 13 years ago. “Sorry I can’t help you out with child care, because if you and current wife break up and you remarry and have another child in about 13 years time I might not be able to help with childcare then, I hope you understand” now that would be a weird reason for not helping out.

I don't suppose MIL expected, when she looked after the first three children of son A, that he would start another family years later and she'd be expected to look after that grandchild too.

We hear so much about how exhausting it is to look after children, yet women in their sixties and seventies are supposed to do it without a murmur.

This child can have a perfectly good relationship with granny if family A visit in the normal way.

its unfair to treat your grandchildren differently, which she is doing. If she wasn't willing to offer them all the same, she shouldn't have done anyones childcare in the first place.

My grandmother has over 30 grandchildren (plus great and great great grandchildren) there are 30ish years between the oldest and youngest grandchildren. She was in her 40’s when the first grandchild was born and in her 80’s when the last grandchild was born. There is no way in hell she could have provided the same childcare for all of those grandchildren that she gave to the first lot that cane along. One of the grandchildren actually lived with her for several years. Did the rest of us expect the same or whinge about fairness? Did we fuck! Even as children we understood that not everyone gets the same for all sorts of reasons. It’s just not possible.

You have to be realistic about what someone can/will offer/provide. We are very lucky that as well as paying for nursery, toddler DD is cared for by DPs 1 day a week and PIL 2 days a week. However, this was an offer not an expectation - with MIL literally stopping people with young children in Tesco, retail staff and waiters in restaurants to tell them she would be providing childcare as she was so excited and proud before I'd even given birth. Our siblings both have no plans to have DC so that isnt an issue. However, if at anytime they wanted to stop that arrangement it would be fine. There isnt any pressure nor should there be. Equally, should we have DC2 I would reconsider as PIL are approaching 70 and 2 young DC would be too much for them although I'm sure they would tell me they could manage. Asking MIL to look after 3 DC is ridiculous. She's not running a bloody nursery and presumably wants some time to herself- I wouldn't do it in my 30s let alone my retirement years. We are a 2nd family and MIL was really keen to help as she felt her relationship with DHs ex wasnt great and as she didnt go back to work there was no need for childcare. The expectation of DIL A feels very selfish and entitled which would get my back up if I was MIL. Were these discussions not had prior to baby being conceived or was it just a whingy well DIL B has it so why shouldn't we? If we have DC2 that wont make their relationship with GPs any less than DC1. It will just mean that the situation has changed and if it doesn't work for everyone then it shouldn't happen. I should add that DC1 had some unforeseen health issues due to birth trauma so I'm really appreciative of family childcare as she wouldn't have coped with nursery initially.

yes @nosauce but the DIL A's child is also MILs grandchild but she isn't interested in that child clearly

What? She has offered to have it once a week! How is that not being interested?

Why is it HER job to look after him/her?

that's a rather individual interpretation of a grandparent's love - no childcare, don't care - you think grandparents should commit to raising their grandchildren as well as their own children, the childcare never stops? What about their own life? Not everyone lives close to grandparents, it's simply not possible (or a good idea IMO)

If she wanted her own life, she shouldn't have offered to do childcare for anyone at all. The issue is not that she doesn't want to do it, but that she isn't treating the grandchildren the same.

I don't see the MIL caring less for the child because she's not willing to put her own life on hold YET AGAIN for freebies. She's done her time, three times over with A's children - B is lucky to get anything after that!

I think they're all lucky to get free childcare tbh, even if its one day a week, like i say its the unfairness i would have a problem with if i was DIL a.

some (feckless) men go have two or three more families, should the grandparents provide endless childcare?

why is feckless to have more than one family?

relationships do break down you know, people are allowed to move on.

I just think if you're going to do it for one, you should do it for all or not at all.

If she wanted her own life, she shouldn't have offered to do childcare for anyone at all. The issue is not that she doesn't want to do it, but that she isn't treating the grandchildren the same

It’s not about the grandchildren plus she’s offered to have him one day. This is about helping her children out and as she’s already looked after her older 3 GC she’s now being fair and helping out her other son.

Sod all to do with favouring one set of GC over another.

OP where are you??

no, I'm not joking, its unfair to treat your grandchildren differently, which she is doing. If she wasn't willing to offer them all the same, she shouldn't have done anyones childcare in the first place

So 15(ish) years ago she should have said to her son "I can't look after your children now in case you leave your wife and have more children decades down the line" That would be ridiculous.

If you truly mean what you say then firstly MIL "owes" son B three lots of childcare before he is even with son A; and secondly once they have evened it out she should definitely not offer either of them any further childcare because both of them could leave their current wives and continue fathering children with new women until she's 100 - expecting her to provide childcare because she did with the first one.

Times change. Situations change.

I think MIL should divide her time and effort equally between baby A and baby B. It's not baby A's fault that he or she has older siblings. It's not favouritism between the sons but it is favouritism between the grandchildren (which is worse!).

I don't think she's offered to have child A once a week? She says she has one day a week to offer for childcare and gives it to son B's children, if you read the post.

So who are you, OP? @holidayhelpp

@mauvaisereputation so surely she should also split her time between the older grandchildren? So when does she get time to live her life?

Or maybe she does mean she can give child A one day a week? It's really not clear the way it's written at all.

Anyway regardless she isn't BU.

nosauce it is about the grandchildren though. That grandchild is being treated differently to the rest.

As DIL A i would be pissed that my grandchild missed out.

@Bollykecks - I see what you're saying, though I don't agree. Most people replying here are viewing the favour as being to the children - DS1 and DS2. Granny has saved DS1 having to pay childcare for his first three children, and is now making this 'debt' fair to DS2 by providing childcare for his 2. As I said earlier, in a way it wouldn't be completely 'fair' unless DS2 has, and she provides childcare for, a third child, but that's getting petty.

You're looking at it from the GC pov - you want them all to have the chance to have the same relationship with her by spending the same amount of time with her. In a way that's admirable, but can't be achieved. Even if the number of hours could be equalled across the board the relationship the youngest has with her will never be the same as that between her and the eldest, because she's now older, so unlikely to be as active as she was say 15 years ago.

I suppose one way to make it 'fair' would be for her to say she'll take the youngest, and pay for DS2's children to go to childcare, but double the amount given to DS2, to reflect the fact that they only have 2 children cf to DS1's 4.

Would that seem fair to you?