To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

My point OP is that your entire group of friends could have chosen the Italian but they didn't. So this isn't the fault of the friend with the baby, as has been suggested. There is a suitable restaurant for you in the chosen town, so what does it matter why this town was chosen? Your issue is with the restaurant they all chose surely, particularly given there was an alternative that would have suited you both?

no space for friend to give me a lift so they're all travelling together (apart from friend with baby as she lives there) and I have to get the train alone lol

This group don’t sound like friends to me.

I thought it was easiest for you to get the train? If they serve steak with salad they must do salad.
I know you said you don't want to make a big deal of this but that's exactly what you are doing, there's a fair bit of passive aggression going on too.
You have 3 choices here. Go and have wine/ dessert, don't go or talk to your friends like grown ups about changing the restaurant.

I know I'm being a pushover but I just hate confrontation and I'm scared they will not want to be friends anymore if I make a fuss/don't go as they've all been friends with friend with baby for longer.

Well, sadly they don’t seem like very good friends at the moment.

I don't think I would go to be honest. Not accommodating you even slightly re choosing a restaurant with a menu with something on you can actually eat and leaving you to travel alone while the rest all go in your friends car. I can slightly understand the new mum not wanting to leave her 3 month old baby for long and it is just unfortunate there seems to be no middle ground between a restaurant close to her and one which offers food options for you. I think I would feel awkward and hungry just sitting there with wine while all the rest tuck in to a nice meal. But then going out to dinner for me actually means I want to eat something not just meet up with friends. Otherwise I would do coffee.

Reading details of the foods you won’t eat (so far we have meat, fish, halloumi, macaroni cheese, potatoes, chips = everything on offer ) I wonder if this is less about your friends selfishly picking out the one place whose menu doesn’t suit you and more that they know from experience that you are almost impossible to please and because of that they have given up trying to suit you and have picked something that suits them.

We recently had a house guest who had a history of eating disorders but apparently was now recovered and vegan. I prepared a fully vegan meal and she charmingly explained I had picked the only vegan options she disliked. Then we took her on a weekend trip to Brighton, a town awash with vegan restaurants, bars and food stalls. She absolutely freaked out at all the choices available and it quickly became clear that she wasn’t truly vegan at all but was using veganism as a mask for her still very disordered eating. I wonder if there is an element of that here?

All that being said, if you just want to turn up towards the end of the meal to enjoy a glass of wine and maybe a dessert, you will still have the pleasure of seeing your friends and the baby without any additional stress or worry.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I think you're right to be honest. I don't have a lot of money either so it's train fare getting there and back and an expensive restaurant I can't even enjoy! My boyfriend is being lovely enough to pay for me to go to treat me.

Maybe I'll go out for dinner with him instead on that night.

Oh sorry, didn't read that. That's certainly a but rubbish.

As someone else has mentioned maybe they feel that accomodating these preferences is making them feel they are not helping you recover. I would imagine the whole thing is pretty daunting for you wherever you went by the very nature of the fact that are still receiving help with your disorder.

My daughter was 15 when diagnosed. 18 now. It’s been the struggle literally of our lives. I understand how challenging eating out is. It is so important for you to feel supported and wanted; cherished by those you are with. I do hope your friends can be those people. I also understand that serious Illness is isolating and you won’t want to rock the boat and risk these friendships. I am rooting for you! You sound kind and very brave.

It sounds like everyone is prioritising the new mum, to encourage her to come out so she got to pick this time. If it is a one off I’d just do as you’ve said...be gracious, tell them you Wouldn’t have missed it, really wanted to see everyone. However If it happens again, I’d decline and would leave the group

My god, your friends don’t sound great. Why don’t you all go out for lunch instead to a different restaurant? No issue with baby’s bedtime then.

@NannyPear Yeah I see what you mean, I don't resent or have an issue with the friend with baby at all. I guess everyone is being a bit shitty to be honest!

@onanothertrain it is in the way that I am the person in our town closest to a train station so it makes more sense for me to get that and my friend picks up everyone else (even though we all live near each other).

@OMGshefoundmeout Not the case at all. I always eat everywhere we go. My eating disorder hasn't come up to the group (apart from one friend) until this moment.

Id eat first, get a drink /dessert only. But I wouldn't go. My mates know I'm veggie and would make an effort to find somewhere else even if they had a baby. But if I knew a friend had an eating disorder, I'd give them 1st choice of venue, baby or no baby. They are making it impossible for you. They aren't your friends.

Skip it.

Don’t go. You won’t enjoy it. It’s expensive to just go and have pudding even. If they’re friends they’ll show it in other ways. Don’t chase after people who haven’t made any effort to accommodate you.

you and more that they know from experience that you are almost impossible to please and because of that they have given up trying to suit you and have picked something that suits them

I presume you have never had an eating disorder or food allergy then? It's not being a picky eater.

And yes, real friends do take things like food tolerances and preferences into account. If my friends thought like you i would probably be dead now.

It’s hard isn’t it, I have an ED and coeliac disease!!

I’m not sure about you but I haven’t discussed mine with any friends except my bestest who’s like a sister to me and although they’ve probably realised they don’t actually know for sure I have an ED. Makes it easier for me so I can say I’m not hungry or I’ve got a bad stomach and just join them and not eat or nibble on a side salad without people ‘being concerned’ (I know they probably are legit concerned but I would rather not discuss it at the dinner table).

I’m sorry I don’t know what I’m suggesting really it just letting you know you’re not alone :)

@octoberstorms go out to dinner with your boyfriend instead. He sounds like a good one.

@worriedmumtoteen I think we are doing dinner as it's easier for everyone as some work during the day and not everyone has days off on the same days to do a lunch.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Thank you so much! You sound like my mum- absolutely lovely and so supportive of me. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

It's not that good a restaurant that won't accommodate an individual request. Would be better to say you are a vegan rather than a fussy vegetarian. Though actually you're still a fussy vegan since won't have potatoes either.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh he definitely is.

@TheDarkPassenger (is your username a Dexter reference) I'm so sorry you struggle similarly! It really is awful. I hope things improve for us both.

@hopelesssuitcase haha maybe I am! I normally eat pasta, pizza, bruschetta, rice, quinoa, salad, toasties etc when we go out so I'm actually not that fussy it's just that this place seems to serve everything I don't like.

It sounds a very poor restaurant that can't manage to provide a decent salad on request. Id be disappointed in my friends too.

I honestly think that it isn't a matter of your friends disliking you and wanting to exclude you, but that they are prioritising the new mum. It's her turn to be the one who is accommodated. It's no one else's fault or responsibility that you have an eating disorder - particularly as many of your friends don't even know about it. For all you know, she may have had some MH or physical issues after the birth, and therefore the rest of the group are focussed on making the outing appealing to her, first and foremost.
This sort of thing can happen in friendship groups and sucking it up from time to time is part of being a friend.

To be honest, I don't really understand why you're going OP. They don't sound like particularly good friends (your definition of good friends is clearly very different to mine!). You sound desperate for friends and will go along with anything rather than rock the boat. You can't eat anything at the restaurant, although the list of food you won't eat is pretty long so I can imagine the friends might find this hard work. You're the only one travelling alone which is costing you money for train fare that it sounds like you can't really afford. The restaurant is expensive and sounds like it's over your budget anyway. And you have to "eat" at 5pm to accommodate a baby that isn't even there. It sounds to me like you're just a hanger-on and aren't really part of the friendship group, despite you trying really hard and wanting to be part of this group. These women don't seem to really care about you. A year isn't a long time. Maybe you're just trying too hard and have become a doormat in your desperation.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh OP but maybe you need to look at the truth of this situation. Seems like the friendship is quite one-sided. You sound like a lovely person but who has some eating issues. You deserve way better than this. You come across as letting these women trample over your feelings because you're so desperate to be friends with them. Go out and find some new friends who genuinely care about you.