To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

I have had this problem fairly often as I am vegetarian and coeliac . Friends have often met at a local pizza place where there is literally nothing I can eat due to the coeliac ,so I sit there with a coffee and eat when I get home.
Most other places will sort me out with something though. Telephoning is better than an email. Talk to someone, explain the problem. Seeing as both dairy allergies and vegetarianism are common, they should have a dairy free veggie option, ridiculous not too. I realise you don’t have an allergy but others will.
What is the halloumi dish ? Could you have it without the cheese ?
Ask what they would do for a vegetarian with a dairy allergy ?
At a push ask if you can bring something in, as they can’t provide for you. I have yet to come across a place that won’t at least try to accommodate me. The pizza place is a problem because they only do pizza, no side dishes, and there is flour everywhere.

@fedup21 We are all really good friends (known almost all of them for a year or so now and have met 2 of them a few times but talk a lot online) :) I consider them all to be great friends.

You'd be better having something to eat first and then sitting through the meal with wine and a dessert.

Wine on an empty stomach and a feeling of being a bit put-out with everyone is not a good combo.

@Goldenbear the meals all come with veg/salad as a standard so it's not a side :)

@NannyPear no no that's not the case at all, the other restaurant is in the SAME town, they just don't want to go to that one. Friend with baby could still go to other one. Everyone (despite me telling them I don't eat anything on the menu) decided on this specific restaurant as it's the nicest one.

Slighted amused by the mum of the PFB. My sister got in a car for 3 hours to show off her first baby.

I think that's really fucking out of order.

At three months I was still in the pits of despair and trying to wrap my head around (and the logistics) of double incontinence for journeys further away. I was only just getting on top of the horrific breastfeeding journey we'd been on after a fairly traumatic delivery ending in a csection.

You know nothing about this mum. Stop being so fucking insular that you think because your sister was fine to hop in a car (was she really 3hrs away from her midwife etc? I developed a terrible infection 2 weeks after giving birth which was more painful than the post op recovery ward period because I had access to heavy duty painkillers and midwives).

What sides come with the veggie halloumi dish?

Could you ak for extra of that instead of the halloumi? Surely they do veg?

@RhiWrites I think that's what I'll do, still go but when they say something (which they will!) I'll just mention why and that I told them before.

@category12 I'll make sure to have a late lunch so I'm not drinking on an empty stomach

Everyone (despite me telling them I don't eat anything on the menu) decided on this specific restaurant

Well, I think there are some very varied views here then on what people consider ‘great friends’.

I would probably cross people of the list who didn’t give a shit about me not being able to eat one thing of the menu.

@OlaEliza I'm sure I could ask for the veggie dishes without halloumi but I don't like the stuff it comes with and would rather not pay for just a plate of vegetables I'll just stick to my original plan: wine, maybe dessert then dinner at home.

I would have thought they could provide bread and olives or similar.

Sounds weird that this town apparently only has one restaurant worth going to and it's a steakhouse. So serves boring, expensive food that takes little skill, time or effort to cook so I don't understand why people would choose that one anyway.

If you like steak, you can cook it at home in about 5 minutes any time you like. If I'm eating out, I want something that takes effort and time to make, so it's worth paying restaurant prices for.

I'm a vegetarian and don't have an eating disorder I still find it hard to eat at this type of place. It's not hard to belive they hat 5 main dishes which are all meat. I think your friend is being selfish and your doing really well to deal with it.

@fedup21 I know I'm being a pushover but I just hate confrontation and I'm scared they will not want to be friends anymore if I make a fuss/don't go as they've all been friends with friend with baby for longer.

What you are proposing is fine.

That said my daughter is in recovery from severe anorexia that nearly killed her. If her friends treated her like this (even one who had just given birth) I’d be quite disappointed. Can they really not find another restaurant?

I wish you well. Really hope you respond well to your therapy.

Gosh friend with baby being a bit demanding

@BarbaraofSeville small rural town but has a nice big town we usually go to just 20 mins drive away so it's annoying that friend with baby won't go there as there's so much more choice!

@BuildBuildings it's a nightmare isn't it! I just don't get why people would want to eat a slab of meat for a meal 😅🤢

@octoberstorms no you're definitely not being unreasonable and you seem lovely. It must be a big deal for you as well and the thought that they wouldn't appreciate that and actually might question you on not eating is making me feel annoyed with them 🙈

They are not giving you a lift to a restaurant where you can't eat anything and you say they are good friends? They really aren't.

I've got a nut allergy and my partner is gluten and dairy free - our friends choose restaurants where we can eat and, to be honest, a grown paying adult being able to eat trumps the need of a baby that isn't even going to be there.

Your partner is right. They are being really unkind. I think you do need to review your friendship with this group.

I think catering for someone with an eating disorder should also be taken into account

I agree with @Leighhalfpennysthigh they don’t sound like very nice friends

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood thank you, I was in the same place as you daughter at 14, nearly died from starvation in a psychiatric ward before being tubed. I'm much better now food and weight wise (only slightly underweight) but I still struggle eating out so it's only made worse when there's nothing I like.

Just seen your update. Bless you. Just do what you are most comfortable with. Maybe message them in advance and tell them you aren’t very well at the moment and please don’t question your food choices as it will make things very difficult for you. Even now she is much better my daughter would not cope with people challenging her food choices. All good wishes to you.

@Treaclepie19 Thank you! (Can I take you as my personal spokesperson?😂) hopefully they will realise how crap they're being but it's all booked now so I doubt it!

Presumably the steak is served with eg broccoli, carrots, peas, potatoes and the like?
Couldn't you just ask for a portion of veg or a side salad.

They don’t want you to go.