To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

OP, have the group fitted round your eating disorder in the past, to chose restaurants that suit your needs?

If so, I can see why the group might feel its "new mum's turn" to be the one the group fits around.

It's good you are getting help with your food issues. Turning up later and joining for drinks is a good idea.

fedup, Oh! No, I don't think so. I'm using a laptop, I always think everybody else is too...

Are you usually the one who is never accomodated and just have to like it or lump it? If yes I would dump these frirnds, or stick to one or two you like.

@Derbee no it's definitely the menu. It literally only has steak options or duck, fish or halloumi for veggies.

I eat Italian food, anything vegan usually and always manage to find something when we go to other places.

Are there no other restaurants around your friend but the one steakhouse ?

Can’t you guys go somewhere else and still be local ?

Just have the glass of wine and/or a pudding, if there are any of those you can eat. Your friends already know that you have food issues, and it's not wholly unreasonable of them not to want to change the arrangements because of one person.
This is basically a case of 'clashing needs' - your needs compete with the needs of the friend with the new baby and on this occasion the friendship group has chosen to prioritise her rather than you. If it was, for instance, your birthday meal or something then they would be unfair to arrange an option that didn't work for you - and if they never consider your needs in making arrangements to meet up, that would be another issue.
It may also be that some of them feel that pandering to eating disorders is unhelpful, of course.
Try not to let it ruin your outing and your friendships if this is a one-off.

I think on this occasion perhaps, the others want to accommodate the new mum a bit more than they want to accommodate the OP’s eating disorder. Next time it may be the other way round

@fedup21 Sorry! No worries :)

@Smurfie12 that made me laugh! Three courses of desserts  maybe I'll go for three courses of wine?😂

@NoHummus that's how I actually feel but I don't want to cause an argument lol

@BlackAudi it's a shame really but a baby is a big life event so we want to accommodate her especially as she hasn't come out with all of us since the baby has been born.

@fedup21 seven of us.

@DisgruntledGuineaPig I'm not turning up later I just mean I'll sit with them and have wine through the meal.

No we always go somewhere we all like, my eating disorder actually hasn't come up to the whole group until this situation.

@JumpyLiz They don't usually accommodate it, we just normally go to places with broader menu's. Only one of my friends knew about my ED until this situation, now they all know.

@CTRL there is another lovely place that we all like but apparently it's not 'fancy' enough for a Christmas meal.

Is it Miller and Carter?

Absolutely loads of options for you if so.

@EnFinale No it's an independent.

@octoberstorms You want to accommodate her by allowing her to dictate where you go, even if it means you cannot EAT (which is the reason you're going - to eat....). What about her accommodating you???

@honeygirlz I hate arguments or tension so I usually just go with what they all want to do 😂 but the restaurants we normally frequent have bigger menus and always something we all like.

No we always go somewhere we all like, my eating disorder actually hasn't come up to the whole group until this situation

In that case I definitely don’t think it’s personal, they’re just trying to accommodate the new mum.

@BlackAudi She doesn't know me that well (only met a few times) so maybe that's why? Also everyone really wants to see her so are happy to do what she wants.

YANBU and I think they're being unkind actually. You're putting yourself out by getting the train and not even eating just to see them.
Hope your therapy is helping

Pfb mother has a cheek insisting you can only eat at one place, especially when her baby is perfectly well cared for by it's father. I would let this be the last time she dictates where you eat just because she has a baby at home.

@JumpyLiz Agree, it's just a shame as we could go to the other restaurant in the town that they know I will eat at but they don't want to.

I’m a vegetarian who doesn’t like halloumi. Doesn’t help you, but I’m lovzing imagining a dinner of chips, macaroni cheese and wine, followed by dessert.

I don't understand a restaurant that doesn't have vegetables of some kind with protein. So is everything with chips? I mean I went to a restaurant in Copenhagen and Shoreditch where you have a big chunk of brisket and it's pretty much limited to two types of meat but pickles where offered with it and potato salad that was more like smashed potatoes with herbs and then some barbecue beans. I can't get my head around no side stuff that is not chips.

@octoberstorms Wow! I'd be politely declining and moving away from that particular 'group' they sound like a bunch of right little madams

At first it read that this was the only restaurant your friend with the baby would go to. But it now transpires there was a choice of restaurants in that area and everyone (other than you) chose this one. Not very fair to put the blame on your friend.

Someone has to be accommodated here and I assume there's no way to accommodate both. It sounds like you would have been happier if your friends chose a restaurant you could eat in at the expense of your friend not being able to go, which isn't particularly nice. Her baby is only a baby for so long. Her chances at the moment for a nice evening out with friends will be fewer than they were before her baby came along so I think it's fair that she's been accommodated on this occasion. I'd understand if it was a regular occurrence that your needs weren't catered for.

@Treaclepie19 Thank you, it helps to hear you say that as I was wondering if I was being unreasonable. My partner was shocked when I told him as he thought it was quite unkind too!

I seem to have got the short straw haven't it😂 no space for friend to give me a lift so they're all travelling together (apart from friend with baby as she lives there) and I have to get the train alone lol

These people sound mean. You could all go to the Italian restaurant but they insist on dragging a vegetarian to a steak house.

If you really want to go, go and have wine and pudding.

Then if anyone challenged you on not eating smile and say “as I explained in the group chat I’m vegetarian and the only side dishes that don’t contain meat aren’t ones I like, I came for the social aspect”.

Only I personally wouldn’t bother going at all.

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22)

She doesn't know me that well (only met a few times)

Which is it? Really good friends or only met once or twice? How do you al know each other?