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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he BU or will i lose my friend?

148 replies

WidoWanky · 15/11/2019 19:29

I have a dilema, but there is an AIBU in here somewhere...

I am a single parent. A few years back I became friends with someone of similar circumstances. She has become my best friend, our kids get on, we know each other's families, we have arranged and enjoyed holidays together with the kids. I love her to bits and value our friendship.

Move on to me meeting a man. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, i have butterflies thinking of him. I enjoy his company and life is good. Except that he doesn't like my friend and doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm fine to see her or make any arrangements i want but he will not include himself if she is there. Apparently it was an unfortunate off the cuff remark that she made and he has decided to take offence. She doesn't even know he has taken offence, she was not deliberately tactless, but will always stick up for me and look out for me, which she was apparently doing.

I don't want to lose my best friend. I really like this man but i am going to lose one of them if he doesnt change. AIBU to just hope for the best. Or is he really just being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Stuckinanutshell · 15/11/2019 19:31

Your friend has been there for you the whole time; please don’t dump here for a man who might not be here in a month. A decent man would respect the friendship - it’s alarming he isn’t to be honest. He sounds petty and unreasonable.

Winterdaysarehere · 15/11/2019 19:31

I would be concerned he has a reason to cut you off from her tbh. Grown ups don't usually strop like that imo

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2019 19:32

What did she say? His reaction feels red flaggish.

Ponoka7 · 15/11/2019 19:34

What was the remark, was it racist or a complete put down of him?

Generally, always pick your good friends. He doesn't give a shit about your feelings in all of this.

MummytoCSJH · 15/11/2019 19:36

@Winterdaysarehere he hasn't cut OP off from her, he just doesn't want to know her.

I suppose my opinion depends on what she said! There are some things I could not forgive: racist, sexist, ableist remarks etc.

gamerchick · 15/11/2019 19:36

Personally I'd peg it as a bit of a red flag but in the absence of any others I'd carry on with the nice feels for now.

If he slags her off or anything, tell him you don't want to hear it, she isn't going anywhere and to keep his thoughts to himself. If he's a bit of a dick and hasn't shown any true colours yet he will if they're there.

I wouldn't hear his whinges though. He doesn't care he's making you feel uncomfortable, so would have no problem telling him to stfu.

Rainwilds · 15/11/2019 19:36

She had your back, he took offence. Total red flag there. I would suggest that he doesn’t like having someone around who would back you up/call him out on his behaviour. Or he just might not like outspoken women...how does he behave when you disagree with him?

gobbynorthernbird · 15/11/2019 19:38

Without knowing what she said (and in response to what) it's difficult to give an opinion. What actually happened, as far as you know?

Honeyroar · 15/11/2019 19:38

Unless what she said was really rude and insulting to him I would be quite put off by a man behaving like this. It's an early red flag in my book. It's hard to say without knowing what it was.

Hazardd · 15/11/2019 19:41

I see red flag about him - eek!

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 15/11/2019 19:42

I was in this exact same situation 11 years ago. I stayed with him 7 years.. I was stupid.
It got. To the point I couldn't even mention her name .. I couldn't say what I'd done that day if it involved her. I couldnt say I wa going to the pub with her.. He would ignore me for days if I did! So I'd have to lie.. Even my ds being a infant school age used to be aware.. So that's when I thought no this has got to stop
It came to a significant birthday of hers.. And id had enough.. So. I told.him what I was doing for that.. 2 weeks ahead.

He ignored me for 2 weeks.. The day after the event he messaged as if nothing wrong.. I flipped. And told him to get out of My house. . Best thing I ever did. My only regret is I didn't do it years before.

It took a huge knock on my MH. Even when me and dh got together.. He was good friends with her which is how we met.. But I'd still find my self saying. Oh today I did? Erm. Erm.. Before realising I CAN say I went out with her. We went shopping or to. Lunch.

lookatthebabypenguin · 15/11/2019 19:43

I find this potentially troubling.

Privacygif1311 · 15/11/2019 19:43

Yes, I also think this is a red flag although it would be helpful to know the context. It doesn't sound reasonable to just cut her off due to one comment. Sounds churlish. If he respects you, he would respect your choice of close friend.

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 15/11/2019 19:44

Acted as if nothing wrong.

thistimelastweek · 15/11/2019 19:46

How bad can that one remark have been that a grown man cannot be in the same room as this woman? Not for politeness sake. Not for the sake of the feelings of his new girlfriend.
I would be concerned about his intolerance and concern only for his own feelings

Blankscreen · 15/11/2019 19:47

Is he choosing to be overly offended? Just to make you feel awkward.

He possibly sees her as a potential threat to him and is trying to kill the friendship.

You have probably already changed towards your friend without even realising. You must feel so torn.

Personally I would tell your friend. You then need to speak to your partner and say that you want the three of you to meet to clear the air.if he refuses to even try then get rid.

Don't let him isolate you.

BOOnanasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/11/2019 19:49

A decent person would take note of the fact it was off the cuff and tactless but appreciate that it was a good friend (albeit badly) looking out for their friend.

Unless it was something hideously offensive and unforgivable, the person who needs to give way here is him. Your friend is unaware she’s even made a ‘mistake’.

It’s very hard to say without knowing what the comment was, but friend who sticks up for you vs new man who wants to cut her out? Friend wins.

Boom45 · 15/11/2019 19:50

He doesn't have to like your friends, my friends and my partner don't spend much time together and I like it that way. However, it's often a warning sign of a controlling man when a new partner dislikes your friends so much he makes a point of letting you know - it's often the first step to isolating you from your support network.

Firstawake · 15/11/2019 19:52

If he won't get over it he is being controlling and it probably won't be the last time.

PixieDustt · 15/11/2019 19:54

It's nothing she said.
He wants control. He wants you to choose him or her. Pathetic.

Winterdaysarehere · 15/11/2019 20:06

He is suggesting she omits the friend from plans. That's cutting her off... She will choose the bf if he is sulking...

APerkyPumpkin · 15/11/2019 20:26

It's what abusive people do. We don't know if he had reason to take offence or is just gearing up the relationship to isolate you.

What actually happened?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 15/11/2019 20:35

🚩

Keep a close eye on this. Was the remark really that bad? Most people at this stage of a relationship would be on best behaviour and want to be nice and get to know each other's friends.

I'm struggling to not just tell you to dump him. I've reached a point in my life where I give absolutely no fucks and this would be enough for me. I realise not everyone is like me.

Read up on abusive behaviour just in case so you can see it for what it is.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 15/11/2019 20:37

I would also say I wouldn't want to be with someone thin skinned and sulky.

MummytoCSJH · 15/11/2019 20:38

@Winterdaysarehere Op said ‘I am fine to see her or make any arrangements I want but he will not include himself’. Not that she isn't allowed to see her friend or that she has to cut her off Hmm