Is he BU or will i lose my friend?

[WidoWanky]

I have a dilema, but there is an AIBU in here somewhere...

I am a single parent. A few years back I became friends with someone of similar circumstances. She has become my best friend, our kids get on, we know each other's families, we have arranged and enjoyed holidays together with the kids. I love her to bits and value our friendship.

Move on to me meeting a man. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, i have butterflies thinking of him. I enjoy his company and life is good. Except that he doesn't like my friend and doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm fine to see her or make any arrangements i want but he will not include himself if she is there. Apparently it was an unfortunate off the cuff remark that she made and he has decided to take offence. She doesn't even know he has taken offence, she was not deliberately tactless, but will always stick up for me and look out for me, which she was apparently doing.

I don't want to lose my best friend. I really like this man but i am going to lose one of them if he doesnt change. AIBU to just hope for the best. Or is he really just being unreasonable??

Definitely something to hide. He doesn’t want her around in case she says something else he doesn’t want you to hear.

Big red flags from me too.

He sounds very controlling. This is not a normal reaction. A normal reaction is - oh I know x or who do you mean? Etc.

🚩 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He's being unreasonable and I can see red flags everywhere!

Friend friend friend! Do not lose an amazing friendship over a new man. That’s before we factor in his strange behaviour over this.

Thing is, if he's so over sensitive and out of proportion about this comment he will be about other things too. You'll find yourself treading on eggshells just to avoid saying the wrong thing. It's a form of controlling behaviour.

Yeah, he doesn’t sound great!

My ex didn't like any of my friends. So what. I still see them.

If she doesn't know he is sulking about this then he is clearly not being overly rude or abrasive. He has every right not to like whoever. If he isn't stopping you from being friends then I don't see the issue (and I say that as someone who was in a terribly violent controlling relationship for years -not my ex mentioned above).

Why are you going to lose one of them?
If you feel you are then maybe something is amiss but as it is I don't see the problem.

He lives a distance away, she asked around. If she found out anything bad, she would have told me - she's seen me hurt before.

No sorry I don’t think that’s okay, she had no business getting involved like that & for me, she would be overstepping boundaries & that’s not okay even if it’s dressed up as being for your own good / protective. A relationship is between two people & your friend had no right to get involved.

But in this case, it's just a friend of a friend used to vaguely know him. Small world and all that.

No it’s not a small world because she didn’t happen upon this information by accident, she deliberately went digging around & you don’t know how many people she’s asked & how many people those people have asked (or gossiped to) to find this connection.

Look at this from his point of view, he meets someone & starts dating, all is going well but it’s early days & then he finds out her best friend is going around asking for information on him - if it was me I’d be really pissed off as it’s an invasion of my privacy & I’d personally not want anything to do with someone like that either as I don’t like interfering people. I have nothing to hide but I’m a private person & I don’t like the idea of people talking behind my back & spreading my personal information about - for example several people now know about his dating life & may be speculating as to what’s going on in the relationship to cause the new girlfriend’s best friend to dig for info - this is how Chinese whispers start.

Could you imagine if it was a MIL who went around making enquiries about her son’s new GF because he’s been hurt before - I’m sure the responses would be very different.

Huge red flag!

If someone said they knew people who knew me i'd be delighted and ask who

@MissSueDenim I have asked people about guys that my friends are seeing especially when they have been hurt in previous relationships. I don’t see it as wrong or overstepping any boundary.

If this woman is your best friend and he doesn’t like her then I’m not sure both relationships will survive.

If I posted on here saying I really liked a new bf but wasn't keen on his friend, who had been asking around after me, I think people would say 'just avoid his friend then'. So surely that's just what he is doing. He isn't slagging her off or stopping op from seeing her, he just has no interest in socialising with her himself. I know loads of couples in similar situations.

So many red flags here. First his reaction - if he cared about you he should be wanting your best friend to like him. If he was a normal person with nothing to hide, the normal response to discovering people in common would be “oh really, that’s nice! Who?” And if he were a decent man and hadn’t got off to a good start with your friend he’d be trying to fix it.

Run. He’s not who you think he is.

Don’t think what she did was at all weird. How did she phrase it to him - like “oh I think my friend X’s friend Y knows you” sort of thing?

I also think his reaction is a big red flag. It is either that he thinks you and your friend are too close and wants to isolate you, or that your friends enquiries got too close to something he is trying to hide.

It is not your decision to make, it’s his. Tell him if he wants to be with you he needs to forget what she said and move on. Don’t you dare dump a good friend, do you know how rare they are..

1. if he didn't have anything to hide, he would have just made some innocuous about it being a small world etc
2. Have you spent time at his house and where he lives?
3. Can you explain to in that she is your dearest friend and its important to you that they get on and ask him why he is so offended because you are struggling to understand.

Has he given a reason why he's so offended?

If I were you I would be concerned the lovely man you are seeing womt have anything to do with your friend because she mentioned she knows someone who vaguely knows him.

He may not stop you seeing her, but having your best friend and boyfriend nor being able to be in the same room, does not make for a happy life.

It's ok saying you can see them separately, but what if you love in together, what if her and her partner want to have dinner with you 2? A Christmas get together etc.

I know how hard it is because my dp is my best friends brother. They fell out a few years ago, only for a few months (they were both in the wrong imo). Dp didnt live here then. It was shit.

At christmas, he didnt come to their family get together, but I did. I had to see them separately for my birthday, couldnt have night out all together. My company allowed me to take 3 guest and in previous years I had taken dp, best friend and her husband. I had to pick between them last christmas.

It was proper shit. Thankfully, they both saw the impact on me and made up, before the party.

In my situation ita hard because they are siblings they have their own relationship outside me. But any other person saying, they didnt like my best friend for such a small thing could fuck off.

But him disliking her so much because she knows someone who knows him is a huge red flag, so is the 'I am just a private person'

"I have friends who live near you... they know of you.."

That's not an off the cuff remark. It's quite a PA comment and it's obviously hit a nerve. Red flags fluttering in the breeze with this man. However, what was your friend asking around about your new man? Seems odd to me.

Red flag.
Keep the friend close. Get rid of the man.

Her comment would only be interpreted as offensive if he has something to hide. Otherwise it would seem friendly, not aggressive.
It’s a massive red flag. In any event, why would you respect the opinion of a new man over a good friend you have known for years? Don’t lose you friend, you may have to lose the man though.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with new man. He might have huge skeletons in his closet which is why he’s so on edge. It might be something like he cheated on his ex gf (up to you if you’re willing to peruse relationship), or could be something as simple as he did something embarrassing but innocent in high school.

Big red flag for me too.

That's not an off the cuff remark. It's quite a PA comment and it's obviously hit a nerve. Red flags fluttering in the breeze with this man. However, what was your friend asking around about your new man? Seems odd to me.

PA? Donr be ridiculous. Of course this converstation could happen. I worked dor a big employer in the nearest city. When people asked where I lived they may mention someone they know from there.

A woman i worked with, lived in the same area as my dps grandmother. I mentioned that. Turned out the woman lived 2 doors down an knew her. Dps grandmother or the woman from work didnt think I was checking up on them or being PA and I certainly wanst I was making converstation. .

Nowhere does OP say the friend was asking for detail about him.

Sounds like he has something to hide and doesn't like the possibility if being questioned or caught out

Only on mumsnet is a bloke not really liking someone’s friend a massive abusive red flag. No one is making you choose between them, if you like him and he’s good to you then see where it goes and continue seeing your friend as you were. What’s the issue? I don’t like my DP’s best friend all that much, he’s never made a massive effort with me and I’ve only met him a handful of times. So they just go out the two of them 🤷‍♀️ Why do they have to be best friends?! She was a bit of a dick, he’s now being a bit of dick, ignore and carry on. Eventually it’ll work itself out if they’re both decent people.