Is he BU or will i lose my friend?

[WidoWanky]

I have a dilema, but there is an AIBU in here somewhere...

I am a single parent. A few years back I became friends with someone of similar circumstances. She has become my best friend, our kids get on, we know each other's families, we have arranged and enjoyed holidays together with the kids. I love her to bits and value our friendship.

Move on to me meeting a man. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, i have butterflies thinking of him. I enjoy his company and life is good. Except that he doesn't like my friend and doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm fine to see her or make any arrangements i want but he will not include himself if she is there. Apparently it was an unfortunate off the cuff remark that she made and he has decided to take offence. She doesn't even know he has taken offence, she was not deliberately tactless, but will always stick up for me and look out for me, which she was apparently doing.

I don't want to lose my best friend. I really like this man but i am going to lose one of them if he doesnt change. AIBU to just hope for the best. Or is he really just being unreasonable??

@Anotherlongdrive your examples are normal. They are naming specific people in a 'you might know' or 'I know the area because' kind of way. It isn't normal to just say your friends know of somebody with no context (eg, from work, school, mate of a mate, or whatever). To me, it is very suggestive of a preceeding bad reputation.

It isn't normal to just say your friends know of somebody with no context (eg, from work, school, mate of a mate, or whatever). To me, it is very suggestive of a preceeding bad reputation.

OP said she disnt type it verbatim. As it was weeks ago. Maybe the friend did say 'someone from work knows you'

Personally, I speak to colleagues. Might be having a general chat, or trying to make converstation
'Oh you live in 'X' town? My friends buy friends from there's

'What's his name, I might know him'

'It Bobby McBobface'

'Oh I know him, small world, anyway got to go make a call'

i would be careful of this guy. He has taken offence at one comment and isn’t willing to get over it so you can have your best friend in your life?

What if one of the kids makes a comment which upsets him.

He sounds at best childish, at worst he is hiding something.

@Anotherlongdrive, apologies. I'd missed that it wasn't an exact quote.

Nope. His reaction to a perfectly reasonable conversational comment is strange, aggressive and inappropriate. It suggests he has something to hide plus it demonstrates he does not value the things in your life that make you happy.

For instance my DH may like some of my friends less than others, but he values them all because they make me happy.

Remember you still don’t know him that well and he’s focusing lovely behaviour on you - this may not be reflective of who he really is. Just read all the threads where women look back and recognise that they were love-bombed and manipulated.

Dear god, run.

I'm now torn. In my experience, people who come out with what your friend said, generally are playing mind games and I'd want nothing to do with them.

"for example several people now know about his dating life & may be speculating as to what’s going on in the relationship to cause the new girlfriend’s best friend to dig for info - this is how Chinese whispers start."
"if this was a MIL saying this, the responses would be completely different"

I agree with both of the above. It was an interference.

However, I would want to sort this out and meet up with the friend. Because keeping people apart, if the relationship is a long term one, can't work over Christmas/Birthdays etc.

He doesn’t care about your happiness if he can put you in such a difficult position over ONE comment he didn’t like.

He sounds jealous, controlling and petty, you need out. Sorry.

Another 🚩.Sorry op.

apologies. I'd missed that it wasn't an exact quote.

Dont apologies. It explains why we felt the conversation had differ tones.

for example several people now know about his dating life & may be speculating as to what’s going on in the relationship to cause the new girlfriend’s best friend to dig for info - this is how Chinese whispers start."

Oh give over. Surely people in general know they are dating. You cant stop people talking.

As far as we know, she knows someone who knows him. Not even that well by the sounds of it.

Do you really expect no one you know to never come up in converstation, even when the people talking possibly know you?

What your friend said sounds nothing like ‘mind games’. At all.

Another vote for Red Flag I'm afraid.

The comment sounds like innocent 'chit chat' that everyone engages in when meeting people and trying to find 'common ground' topics.

Your DP reaction sound wayyyyy off the deep end ! So he's probably got secrets from you, maybe a DC or past DV or running up debts for Ex DP's then leaving them high and dry, could be anything.

I'd be running a mile, even if it was just 'being private'......... what TAF does THAT mean ? Does it mean he'd refuse to speak to anyone about anything ever ? Or will he totally blank anyone who talks about him, no matter the reason ??

She was a bit of a dick @OrangeSlices998 how the hell do you get to that conclusion?! In what way was she a 'dick'?!

Red flag bunting IMO. He might not be abusive but he sounds sulky, boring and a bit pathetic.

@MyKingdomForBrie It’s a weird thing to say and doesn’t exactly open up a conversation, if I met my best friends boyfriend I wouldn’t say something that might be interpreted as antagonistic 🤷‍♀️ just a ‘oh I have a friend who lives in that town/village - are you from there/do you know this person/x pub was nice when I visited’ rather than what she said. Just my opinion!

I still don’t see how not liking someone who made a weird comment is abusive?

@OrangeSlices998 I didn't say he was abusive. It's really not a weird comment, the OP has said it was in context and not weird. She was not a dick. He is being weird. Even if she wasn't his favourite person I don't think it's a good sign that he's making a fuss over it and refusing to socialise with her, it's obviously making OPs life really awkward or she wouldn't be posting.

If he was such a lovely man this comment would not have caused such a reaction.

His reaction is OTT - he will be this way with you, too, eventually and you'll be treading on eggshells around him.

I despise one of my husband’s good friends but he helped him when he was in dire need 25 years ago so sticks with him even though he admits he’s a shit.
He sees him all he wants - in fact he’s with him on a night out right now. I don’t want to socialise with him at all or have anything to do with him. It doesn’t make me abusive.

That said I am polite to him when he’s in our home or when I see him (rarely). And it doesn’t sound like your friend has actually done or said anything wrong and your partner doesn’t even know her so he sounds like he’s being really unfair.

I was just making the point that just because a person doesn’t like and doesn’t want to socialise with their partner’s friend it doesn’t make them abusive.

*automatically make them abusive

I'm sorry if I missed this earlier but what was it that made her want to start asking around? You said she's seen you hurt before. Was it just that (has she seen you isolated by bad boyfriends?) or was it also something else?

It bothers me that you've leapt to the idea that you might have to choose between them. Another vote for red flags all over this.

@MyKingdomForBrie I didn’t say you said he was abusive.

You've obviously had a conversation with him @WidoWanky for him to tell you that a) he was offended by your friends comment and b) for it to made clear he doesn't want anything to do with her.

How did the conversation come about? Did he tell you how things are? Or was it a reasonable, rational conversation?

There is a huge difference between:
(Out of nowhere)
"Friend was an utter cow to me tonight, her comments were completely out of order and I want nothing more to do with her. You see her if* you have to but I wont be there"
Or
(In response to you asking / having a relevant conversation)

• "Friend was a bit full on earlier, made me feel a bit weird. I might just leave you two to it for the time being"

Have you googled him?

Done a Claire's law request?

He clearly has something to hide, to be threatened by that comment and wanting to distance himself from her.

However, why is she asking people in his area what he is like? Sounds a bit odd. I would ask her what she knows.