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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he BU or will i lose my friend?

148 replies

WidoWanky · 15/11/2019 19:29

I have a dilema, but there is an AIBU in here somewhere...

I am a single parent. A few years back I became friends with someone of similar circumstances. She has become my best friend, our kids get on, we know each other's families, we have arranged and enjoyed holidays together with the kids. I love her to bits and value our friendship.

Move on to me meeting a man. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, i have butterflies thinking of him. I enjoy his company and life is good. Except that he doesn't like my friend and doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm fine to see her or make any arrangements i want but he will not include himself if she is there. Apparently it was an unfortunate off the cuff remark that she made and he has decided to take offence. She doesn't even know he has taken offence, she was not deliberately tactless, but will always stick up for me and look out for me, which she was apparently doing.

I don't want to lose my best friend. I really like this man but i am going to lose one of them if he doesnt change. AIBU to just hope for the best. Or is he really just being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 22:17

That's worrying op. It looks like this man has something to hide. Hence why he doesn't want her near, he thinks she does know something.

End it, don't loose your friend, because This man will not be worth it.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 22:18

Oh dear. Doesn't sound good. What is he hiding? Has your friend elaborated on this?

yeahyh · 15/11/2019 22:19

He will be nothing but trouble in your life. Don't pick him.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2019 22:20

That's all she said?! Fucking hell, massive red flag. He's gaslighting you and trying to alienate you from your friends. Your family will be next.

Run for your life.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 15/11/2019 22:28

I thought you were going to say she knew people who could do him some serious damage if he hurt you. I may have understood his reluctance to hang out with her!

It does sound like he has something to hide and is avoiding her at all costs. He probably assumes you will follow suit aswell.

I'd personally do a bit of digging and find out more about him.

steff13 · 15/11/2019 22:33

Gosh, I found that remark vaguely threatening. What caused her to say it?

Merryoldgoat · 15/11/2019 22:35

And did you not ask your friend what she meant and what she’d heard?

He sounds like a twit and yes, is trying to alienate you.

He says he won’t stand in the way of your friendship but I bet he starts getting the arse when you see her, or acts like he had a big surprise for you so you cancel etc.

That comment should not generate such hatred, it’s a bizarre and disproportionate reaction and you know it is.

Merryoldgoat · 15/11/2019 22:38

Also, I hear people described as ‘very private’ a lot but what does that mean?

An excuse for being secretive? Defensive if you try to get ANY information?

It’s usually applied when people are evasive and hiding something.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 22:41

Don't be too starry eyed and cockstruck to do some digging. Something is very off here.

Branleuse · 15/11/2019 22:42

I think you need to keep your wits about you as this is a red flag. Trying to turn you against your friends

VanyaHargreeves · 15/11/2019 22:43

That isn't an inoffensive remark though

It is a strong insinuation he has a bad reputation that precedes him.

It either has merit or doesn't but you need to know what she knows

I'd class that more as an idle threat than an "off the cuff remark"

Ie I know X So you'd better watch yourself

Sophonax · 15/11/2019 22:45

Are you not tempted to ask your friend if she meant something negative by that, or if it was only a minor joke?

gobbynorthernbird · 15/11/2019 22:56

Why has your friend not already told you what it is she's heard about him? Its a really odd thing to say if she hasn't told you her concerns.

DriftingLeaves · 15/11/2019 22:57

Huge red flag.

steff13 · 15/11/2019 22:59

Why has your friend not already told you what it is she's heard about him? Its a really odd thing to say if she hasn't told you her concerns.

I agree with this. The comment has a very "I know what you did last summer" kind of vibe, yet one would assume that if she really knew something about him she would have told you.

thatguiltyfeeling · 15/11/2019 23:02

See I read the comment as a way of talking about mutual friends/acquaintances. But then it all depends on tone. I think if he continues to refuse to be around her and you get more serious with him you'll gradually drop her until in a few years time you'll realise you haven't seen her in a year. He's allowing you to still be friends with her, but you're clearly uncomfortable with the situation otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You need to either get them in a room together to sort it out or dump him.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/11/2019 23:03

"I have friends who live near you... they know of you.." what was the tone? Unless it waa said really snotty I can't see what his grounds are for being upset?
So either he has something to hide, or he's just looking for any excuse to isolate you slowly

AlwaysCheddar · 15/11/2019 23:04

Tread carefully with the new man.... he’s trouble.

Armadillostoes · 15/11/2019 23:19

OP I am really sorry. But what your head is telling you is correct, much as your heart would rather not believe it You wouldn't have asked the question in the first place if you didn't realise that this was off. He has taken against one of your closest friends for NO reason. He doesn't even have a petty reason-it is just bizarre. He is really not a nice person even if he is still pretending to be so most of the time.. Better to get out sooner than later.

yeahyh · 15/11/2019 23:27

"I have friends who live near you... they know of you.."

I don't think that's threatening or sinister sounding at all. I'd take it as they've seen him around and know what he does for a job/who his brother is/something equally innocent. He sounds batshit getting mad at her for that and you can guarantee the more you get to know him, the more you'll find yourself worrying about what he will take offence over and tip toeing around him.

steff13 · 15/11/2019 23:29

I thought it sounded threatening, and I'm not batshit, just FYI.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/11/2019 23:45

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't say 'they know of you'. If there's something that connects you to a person, you say what it is or that you recognise them from somewhere. 'Did you used to go out with Jane Smith', or 'I think you went to All Saints 6th form college with my mate Dave', or (as I did recently after doing my head in all night trying to figure out where I knew someone from) 'hang on, did you used to work being the bar at The Beech'.

I think you're going to have to ask your friend what she was implying. Because, if that's what she said she was definitely implying something.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/11/2019 23:47

I'm not saying he's not a dick, by the way. Just that I think what your friend said was vaguely threatening. She may or may not have good reason for that, or he may be lying about what went on.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/11/2019 23:48

*behind the bar, the above should say

theoriginalmadambee · 15/11/2019 23:55

He could feel your friend was threatening him or he could be hiding something. Ask him why he took offence, perhaps she was too blunt for him. But keep your friend.

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