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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he BU or will i lose my friend?

148 replies

WidoWanky · 15/11/2019 19:29

I have a dilema, but there is an AIBU in here somewhere...

I am a single parent. A few years back I became friends with someone of similar circumstances. She has become my best friend, our kids get on, we know each other's families, we have arranged and enjoyed holidays together with the kids. I love her to bits and value our friendship.

Move on to me meeting a man. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, i have butterflies thinking of him. I enjoy his company and life is good. Except that he doesn't like my friend and doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm fine to see her or make any arrangements i want but he will not include himself if she is there. Apparently it was an unfortunate off the cuff remark that she made and he has decided to take offence. She doesn't even know he has taken offence, she was not deliberately tactless, but will always stick up for me and look out for me, which she was apparently doing.

I don't want to lose my best friend. I really like this man but i am going to lose one of them if he doesnt change. AIBU to just hope for the best. Or is he really just being unreasonable??

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 15/11/2019 20:41

And so the subtle isolation from your friends begins...

You’re actually lucky - he’s showing who he is right at the start.

Armadillostoes · 15/11/2019 20:47

Oh dear! You need to get rid of this idiot man not your DF! A decent person would not take against someone for all time for an off the cuff comment. Also, any man worth his salt would make an effort to be on good terms with the people you love. He doesn't have to become BBF but he does have to he friendly and civil and rub along when needed e.g. a big birthday events when you want your nearest and dearest around. If he isn't up for that you need to dump him. He is selfish and bad news.

1Morewineplease · 15/11/2019 20:51

It would be interesting to know what the ‘off the cuff’ remark was.
You have a very lovely friend, by the sounds of it and similarly you have met a lovely man.
What was that remark?
It’s difficult to suggest anything as the remark might be rather telling. Eg... is your friend jealous because you’ve now met a lovely man or has she spotted something in his character that is ringing alarm bells?
Is it because your new male friend is suspicious of her friendship with you? Maybe he feels that your friend is a tad controlling?
We need to know what this remark was.

Chloemol · 15/11/2019 20:53

Red flag definitely.

Waveysnail · 15/11/2019 20:56

I'd be more disturbed he doesnt like her because of one remark BUT tbh my BF dh is ok not my cup of tea and I'm not his. Same goes for my husband and her. So we dont do couples things and see each other without husbands. Suppose is different though as out families are not intertwined like yours

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 20:58

What did she say?
Has he distanced himself from anyone else you're close with?

Actionhasmagic · 15/11/2019 21:00

Depends what her comment was!

Coyoacan · 15/11/2019 21:06

Keep them both and keep them apart, otherwise ditch him, because nice people do not try to drive a wedge between you and your friends.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 15/11/2019 21:08

I completely agree with all the PPs who are saying red flag, because it completely can be, and it absolutely can be part of an abuser's tactics.

But just to give another perspective, I think our friends - who are used to us being available and on 'on tap' - can get awful jealous and insecure when a new person arrives on the scene.
I'm saying this more to give another perspective and maybe something else to think about.

Depends what was said though

Groovinpeanut · 15/11/2019 21:13

If the comments where something along the lines of her meeting him and saying "you better look after her (you) she's had enough crap/difficult/hard/trust issues in life" Then he's being an idiot. If she openly said to him that he looked like a twat, sounded like a test, so therefore he is a twat, then maybe they won't be the best of buddies. It really depends what was said and the context. I wouldn't be too keen on someone who soon after meeting them, wanted to not be around my friends. It's a little troubling really. Also in a new relationship your judgement maybe skewed. Your friend maybe more aware he's not all he seems.

RealBecca · 15/11/2019 21:13

Sounds like he wants to drive a wedge between you.

If you accept him doing it now then thats your future. He will treat you the same. What londof adult doesnt just speak up or let it go? Hes pathetic.

You'd be a shitty shitty cunty friend not to stick up for her and tell him to get over it

Groovinpeanut · 15/11/2019 21:14

Twat not test Blush

MiniCooperLover · 15/11/2019 21:14

Hmm I'm sorry OP the fact he is making his dislike of your best friend clear for such a flimsy sounding reason makes me think he's deliberately trying to split you from her and isolate you.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 21:15

What did she say?

From what's presented you need to tell this man to fuck off. His behaviour isn't ok. I'm fact it's horrible. What happens when you commit a similar crime ? Or your child?

StrictlyNameChangin · 15/11/2019 21:16

Massive red flag.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 15/11/2019 21:17

Nobody can make an accurate assessment of this until you say what the comment was! Although we will make wild assumptions

Loveislandaddict · 15/11/2019 21:18

It’s okay that he doesn’t like your friend.

However, how does he feel about you socialising with her? If he is fine with it, and accepts that she is your friend, even if he doesn’t like her, then that’s not too bad. Maybe in the future, he will come around.

However, if he actively tries to prevent you seeing her, than that’s a red flag. Controlling behaviour.

bbcessex · 15/11/2019 21:18

Bit hard to have an opinion without knowing what was actually said, OP.

Ohyesiam · 15/11/2019 21:21

Unless she yelled at His face
“ you’re a spineless twat and WidowWanky is worth a thousand of you “, then I think it’s probably a red flag, and he is controlling and x wants to isolate you.

Scarydinosaurs · 15/11/2019 21:23

It totally depends on the remark

MadeForThis · 15/11/2019 21:48

Depends on the remark. Unless it was massively offensive he's being a twat at best, red flag more likely.

Armadillostoes · 15/11/2019 22:01

All of the people saying that it depends on the remark, what kind of remark remotely justifies such a drama queen response?

It is disproportionate from the DP unless there is something so major behind it as to justify the OP reassessing the friendship any event e.g. she revealed herself to be racist, came onto the boyfriend etc. In that kind of case then the problem isn't the DP dislikes her friend, it is that the friend isnt who she thought she was. But there is zero hint of that from the OP so no logical reason to speculate along those lines.

RockinHippy · 15/11/2019 22:09

That all sounds pretty red flag to me too. He might not be openly telling you not to see your friend, but he might as well be. It's his over reaction that is causing this 'dilemma" your friend has your back. Trust her, not him

BuildBuildings · 15/11/2019 22:12

He sound like hard work. Red flag on him taking offence so easily.

Original poster
WidoWanky · 15/11/2019 22:12

The remark was along the lines of...

"I have friends who live near you... they know of you.."

Conversational and inofensive imo. Unless he has something to hide. But he is a private person, i am hoping it's more that.

I won't be cutting my friend from my life... we've supported each other through some major shit. she's been my rock.

Someone used the word petty. I think that fits. It's not possible to respect someone who's petty, is it?😕

OP posts: