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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he BU or will i lose my friend?

148 replies

WidoWanky · 15/11/2019 19:29

I have a dilema, but there is an AIBU in here somewhere...

I am a single parent. A few years back I became friends with someone of similar circumstances. She has become my best friend, our kids get on, we know each other's families, we have arranged and enjoyed holidays together with the kids. I love her to bits and value our friendship.

Move on to me meeting a man. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, i have butterflies thinking of him. I enjoy his company and life is good. Except that he doesn't like my friend and doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm fine to see her or make any arrangements i want but he will not include himself if she is there. Apparently it was an unfortunate off the cuff remark that she made and he has decided to take offence. She doesn't even know he has taken offence, she was not deliberately tactless, but will always stick up for me and look out for me, which she was apparently doing.

I don't want to lose my best friend. I really like this man but i am going to lose one of them if he doesnt change. AIBU to just hope for the best. Or is he really just being unreasonable??

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 15/11/2019 23:59

He has reasons not to like her.
She stuck up for you in his presence.

I would be having a chat with him and the friend. He's hiding something.

If he's so private, then why would people know about him including your friend?

Starlight456 · 16/11/2019 00:04

I am on the red flag side . Ask friend what she knows

Doyoumind · 16/11/2019 00:08

Massive red flag. My abusive ex ruined my friendships. Don't let him do this to you.

KatherineJaneway · 16/11/2019 00:10

"I have friends who live near you... they know of you.."

Depends on the tone of voice and context in which it was said. The words on a page can be interpreted different ways.

Original poster
WidoWanky · 16/11/2019 00:13

It really was a conversational chatty tone. He lives a distance away, she asked around. If she found out anything bad, she would have told me - she's seen me hurt before. But in this case, it's just a friend of a friend used to vaguely know him. Small world and all that. it really was just a friendly conversation, nothing threatening in the slightest. Unless he's hiding something...

I am just surprised, and hurt, by his attitude.

I can't quote verbatim, as this has been over a few weeks, but genuinely this was not a threatening tone or comment!

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 16/11/2019 00:17

He’s hiding something. Don’t trust him for a minute.

BeUpStanding · 16/11/2019 00:18

Wow. HUGE red flag. His reaction to that comment is completely outside the bounds of normal, rational behaviour.

Merryoldgoat · 16/11/2019 00:22

If there was genuinely no malice in the tone then something is amiss.

There is zero innocent reason for such a strong reaction.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/11/2019 00:23

So you heard the conversation? It's just that you originally said 'apparently' so I'd assumed you weren't there.
In that case, although the wording is odd, he's the one that's a twat.

JimPickens · 16/11/2019 00:34

From your update; ditch him, keep her.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2019 00:55

@misspiggy19 and @BeUpStanding are exactly right. Please be wise enough to get rid immediately.

ffswhatnext · 16/11/2019 01:01

Still not sounding good.

Ask her what she heard. Even if its from a friend of a friend.

HeddaGarbled · 16/11/2019 01:05

Well, that’s bizarre to take offence at that. There’s something wrong with him.

Elodie2019 · 16/11/2019 01:10

He's waving a red flag in your face OP. Is this the start of something bigger? Trying to separate you from friends/family?

JasonPollack · 16/11/2019 01:15

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I know you really like him but please try and rationally listen to what people are saying.

He has irrationally taken against someone very close to you, who has helped you out in hard times. This is a calculated move. He will not stop with her. The deeper you are in, the harder it is to leave.

When you're wearing rose-coloured glasses all the red flags just look like flags!

JustACog · 16/11/2019 04:26

Time for a sharp exit

WagtailRobin · 16/11/2019 04:29

WHATEVER you do, do not sideline your friend in favour of any man, ever.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 16/11/2019 04:34

HUGE red flag

Limpshade · 16/11/2019 05:36

I feel like if this was nothing to worry about, he'd have laughed and said something along the lines of, "Oh, my reputation precedes me, does it?" And perhaps asked after the mutual friend. The fact that he's taken it so badly and now refuses to see your friend (and this making it awkward for you to see her too) is so extreme, it's a massive red flag!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/11/2019 05:40

Yeah definitely sounds like he's hiding something.

But how has your friend got into a conversation about him with a random Hmm

itsmecathycomehome · 16/11/2019 05:59

I think your friend's comment just suggests that she's been doing a bit of digging and talking to people about him.

I think that, if I lived some way from a new bf, and on meeting his friend he made it obvious he'd been asking around about me, I'd be a bit weirded out tbh.

I guess it depends on his level of offence.

shearwater · 16/11/2019 06:15

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.

JoObrien7 · 16/11/2019 06:19

He sounds very controlling and I would not stop seeing your friend. Tell him she has been in your life longer than him so tough you like her and that is all that counts ! If he doesn't like it he can always find someone else.

spoonfulofsalt · 16/11/2019 06:21

Sounds like he has something to hide.

Sparklybanana · 16/11/2019 06:23

Run for the hills! Abusive men don't start off abusive as they need a hook. Of course he's lovely and kind to you now. Once you've got rid of your friends, self respect and any ability to get out, thats when his true colours will come out. Although you have seen a preview.

Ask her what she has heard about him because he's acting as if she knows he's got a secret.... See what your friend who has proven herself to you way more times than this bloke says about it.

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