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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or am I being a fool? - boyfriend related

247 replies

ellaandthebella · 14/11/2019 21:44

I currently live in a different city from my long term boyfriend for a variety of reasons. We have lived together in the past and are currently 3 hours by train away from each other. We still manage to see each other about every 3 weeks for a weekend.

As I had some free time recently we decided I would come and stay him for a week. He still has work during the day and has still done his hobby which he does twice a week whilst I am here, which is totally fine.

Tonight we made a plan to have dinner together just in the house. I use the word plan loosely though. It was just me asking what time he was going to be back and me saying I will make dinner for us and him saying he would be back by 7.30. I asked if he would bring wine. He said yes.

I was messaging him around 7.30 and just happened to ask if he was nearly back. He said no, he was in the pub and was just finishing his pint then would be leaving. Slightly annoyed at this point as that would bring it to 8 and dinner was ready. But I thought I would just heat it up and it would be fine.

8.15 comes. Still not back. Ask when he is coming and says he will be leaving soon. Properly annoyed now, but leave it.

Time passes. 8.45. Still not home. Finally decide I have to tell him I am upset. He basically ignores it and replies with general chat. I ring him. He answers but cannot hear him as it is so loud.

Now it is 9.40 and he is still not home. I am really upset. He is going to come back and say we never had real plans. It is kind of true, but even if we didn't I am still visiting him and he should have come back to see me shouldn't he?

OP posts:
ellaandthebella · 16/11/2019 02:43

@Derbee my plan is to leave tomorrow and never come back

OP posts:
Derbee · 16/11/2019 02:45

I think that’s a good decision. Does he know?

ellaandthebella · 16/11/2019 02:56

@Derbee we haven’t even spoken since

OP posts:
Derbee · 16/11/2019 03:00

Wow. Well done for sticking it out, it must’ve been a bit awkward! Goodluck with everything 🙂

Islandermum · 16/11/2019 03:06

@ellaandthebella good on you girl. Be strong and don't let him change your mind. You deserve better x

Frownette · 16/11/2019 03:23

Homeward bound - hopefully in several hours time you'll be snuggled up in your own bed feeling relieved to be away from him

Dogsaremyfavorite · 16/11/2019 03:23

You deserve better!

He’s just not that into you and it’s time to move on.

Ritascornershop · 16/11/2019 03:42

You did have a plan, you went to the effort of making dinner for him and you were looking forward to it. I recognize my behaviour in this, I’d think there must be a reason for someone to be shitty and rude. With age I’ve discovered the reason is that some people are just shitty and rude, they don’t need a reason.

Go home, cut your losses. There’s someone more thoughtful out there. Leaving now will save you the effort down the road.

candative · 16/11/2019 04:47

Sorry that it's worked out like this for you OP. You deserve more from a relationship than being left to wait around when you have made the effort to visit. You're making the right decision here. Can't have been easy yesterday and I'm sure going home and the next few days will be tough. Onward and upward for you and all the best in finding someone who treats you with love and respect.

Lampan · 16/11/2019 05:46

Good decision OP. He won’t change and in time you will look back and be glad you ended it. Leave this morning and if possible don’t discuss it with him or give him and opportunity to try and change your mind. Message him once you are home to inform him that you won’t be coming back. Stay strong.

ShinyMe · 16/11/2019 07:24

I wouldn't even go to the trouble of messaging to end it. I'd just leave and not contact again. I wouldn't block him or get into any drama, just move on without showing any consideration for him. Good luck OP, he sounds like a selfish git and you're well rid.

Idolovechocolategimmygimmy · 16/11/2019 07:55

I think he has shown you no respect at all and that is the worst thing. What have you got if you have no respect? I think you're right to stay away and no go back. He can come to you and he will if he cares. And I understand the train fee-I wouldn't be able to afford that either! Stay strong, you know his behaviour is completely wrong.
Xxx

Howlovely · 16/11/2019 08:29

Take care OP, I'm sorry all this has happened. I'm really not being to sound patronising so I hope it doesnt come across as such, but this is a good move. Things will be shit in the short term but will get much better as you start to move on. You can't really miss what you didn't have and he doesn't sound like much of a boyfriend. Very best of luck.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 16/11/2019 08:31

@ellaandthebella good decision. If this is your low bar, it’s excellent you’ve found out.

onemorecakeplease · 16/11/2019 08:47

What a dick.

If he doesn't put you first now, he never will. Your plan to leave and never see him again is a good one.

I'm sorry you are upset but also in a way it's better to have found out now that he has other priorities than when you are married with kids and he is still behaving like this.

SandraOhshair · 16/11/2019 08:49

Have a good journey home and ignore any apologies you may get from him. Hell be doing it to save face. You'll do both of you a favour if you break things off now.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 16/11/2019 08:52

I had an ex like that. My self esteem was so low that I put up with it. He had another woman in the second city he was engaged to.

Whatever your particular circs, he is disrespectful and rude. Get out now. And don’t ever go back. You deserve so, so much better, and it will come only if you rid yourself of this deadwood.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 16/11/2019 08:59

It’s also worth a mention that when I first met my husband, he was so nice, thoughtful and INTERESTED, I actually thought there was something wrong with him. I’d become so used to uneven relationships where I cane second to everything.

I have historical reasons for those huge insecurities which led to me seeking and attracting damaged men. I am so grateful that a chance meeting with my husband broke this cycle.

Give yourself this chance. In time, when the wounds are less raw, try to work out why you have settled for this as a relationship. Unpicking that might help you move on to men who will treasure, rather than simply tolerate, you.

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2019 09:07

Please don't let him talk you round.

You aren't his GF, you are a, every-three-week-bunk-up.

You've spent money to be treated like that. But lesson learned, raise your standards and move on.

Block him on everything.

Frownette · 16/11/2019 09:14

@Wheredidigowrongggggg that's lovely, happy ending

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/11/2019 09:19

ella, when I said 'dismissive', I meant 'papering over', 'glossing over the stark reality', not that you were actually being dismissive to anybody, you haven't been. Sorry if it came over that way.

The thing is, I recognise your behaviour from my own when I was younger, I think many women have mistakenly allowed themselves to be 'managed' by witless but manipulative men. I didn't have a good example of what men should be like, on the contrary, it took me years to work out that this wasn't right.

You've done nothing wrong, don't blame yourself for being hopeful that this man was what you expected. The scales have fallen from your eyes now and can't be put back. That's hard and disappointing for you, but if you take the lessons from that and don't allow any other person to treat you that way, he will unwittingly have done you a favour.

Write this one off with absolute disdain - and don't look back.

MzHz · 16/11/2019 10:10

What time’s the train?

You’re soooo doing the right thing!

ForalltheSaints · 16/11/2019 10:14

Leave as others have suggested. Good job you found out before anything such as starting a family.

HeavyMetalHoneyMonster · 16/11/2019 10:26

I hope you’re on your way home and to FREEDOM.

If you haven’t left yet, maybe you could put any leftover food under his pillow? I hope it’s something with sauce.

WhenPushComesToShove · 16/11/2019 11:41

What @ShinyMe said! Like tearing a page out of a book - gone; end of 👍

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