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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or am I being a fool? - boyfriend related

247 replies

ellaandthebella · 14/11/2019 21:44

I currently live in a different city from my long term boyfriend for a variety of reasons. We have lived together in the past and are currently 3 hours by train away from each other. We still manage to see each other about every 3 weeks for a weekend.

As I had some free time recently we decided I would come and stay him for a week. He still has work during the day and has still done his hobby which he does twice a week whilst I am here, which is totally fine.

Tonight we made a plan to have dinner together just in the house. I use the word plan loosely though. It was just me asking what time he was going to be back and me saying I will make dinner for us and him saying he would be back by 7.30. I asked if he would bring wine. He said yes.

I was messaging him around 7.30 and just happened to ask if he was nearly back. He said no, he was in the pub and was just finishing his pint then would be leaving. Slightly annoyed at this point as that would bring it to 8 and dinner was ready. But I thought I would just heat it up and it would be fine.

8.15 comes. Still not back. Ask when he is coming and says he will be leaving soon. Properly annoyed now, but leave it.

Time passes. 8.45. Still not home. Finally decide I have to tell him I am upset. He basically ignores it and replies with general chat. I ring him. He answers but cannot hear him as it is so loud.

Now it is 9.40 and he is still not home. I am really upset. He is going to come back and say we never had real plans. It is kind of true, but even if we didn't I am still visiting him and he should have come back to see me shouldn't he?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 15/11/2019 06:40

In his mind he is single.

StrictlyNameChangin · 15/11/2019 07:19

I would be out of there come hell or high water with an extended emergency overdraft, credit card or whatever. No way in hell would I stay until Saturday, I'd find a way. Cheap air b&b tonight within reach of the station if necessarily and there's no fucking way I would return. He clearly wants to live the single life - bin him off and let him.

This story isn't half ringing some bells - have you posted about him before? The poster had the flu, was visiting her long distance partner and he was fucking off out to get pissed every night too with his brother. He expected and she gave him a shag when he got back in in the wee small hours, too, then he left her in a coffee shop with pneumonia all day Saturday before taking her to the train. She's got the same posting style as you, and she couldn't afford the £100 extra train fair back earlier either, and they had a massive row because she wasn't allowed to call him out on it.... either there's a type of woman who puts up with this very specific shit, or it's you again. How the fucking fuck is your self esteem so low that you went back for more?

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2019 07:20

He's a knob
Are you sure you can't borrow some money from someone to leave today op? I hope you're going to dump him

StrictlyNameChangin · 15/11/2019 07:21

And for fucks sake if you're going to go around this ugly merry go round again, buy a return anytime ticket. Hmm

Goldenchildsmum · 15/11/2019 07:30

and I also already have one booked for Saturday. Money is very tight at the moment.

Well then - leave Saturday and block him and have nothing more to do with him

But fgs learn some self respect. You can't allow him to treat you like this otherwise you will continue to feel crap.

Get rid of him for good

Breastfeedingworries · 15/11/2019 07:40

I used to travel to see my ex every weekend mostly it was 4 hours by train with two changes. Looking back he’d go out, play his game for hours. Do what he wanted to do like I wasn’t there. Sex was about all we had. It was an awful relationship, it was my first love and I’m ashamed at how things were.

We talk now and are friendly, he’s not at all how he used to be with his current partner. He’s ashamed too, we were both young and I enabled his behaviour. You need to stand up to him, ask him does he really want to be in this relationship. It seems one sided, you’re putting in all the effort and he isn’t.

Please think long and hard, I’m so happy I’m not in that relationship anymore. (I’ve had relationships since) I’m actually single now but happy to wait and meet a worthwhile man.

All relationships are lessons, make sure you’re learning from it. Would I put up with traveling for hours, to be ignored while my bf plays a game or goes out without me....hell no! Xx

AnyFucker · 15/11/2019 07:40

So, let me visualise this.

You waited at his place alone all day for him to come back from work. You cooked a meal for you both and waited in all evening alone.

Rinse and repeat.

What is the point of this "relationship" ? You might as well be alone and miserable in your own place...at least your self respect wouldn't get a hammering every time.

RandomMess · 15/11/2019 08:07

That's a shame you can't move your train ticket, sometimes I've paid the £10 and the £x to upgrade a ticket but it sounds like it will just be too expensive for you Sad

Coach options???

ShatnersWig · 15/11/2019 08:13

Yes, you're a fool because he's done this to you before. You had the clear warning signs.

However, you can stop being a fool by ending this "relationship" (which it really isn't, not on his part anyway) and don't accept this sort of shitty behaviour in future.

CoraPirbright · 15/11/2019 08:14

Do look into seeing if you can change the date on your ticket. It might not be as expensive as you think.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 15/11/2019 08:17

I am the chilled-est of chilled wives and don't care where my husband goes, but that is bloody rude. You were visiting and you agreed a time to meet! Sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you, sorry to be harsh.

ControversialFerret · 15/11/2019 08:56

Spontaneous work drinks versus a planned dinner with your GF that you only see every third week. Not really a hard call, is it?

The networking excuse is total BS - if it was true then why did he say he was nearly finished the first time you contacted him?

Worth checking with the train company if you can change your ticket so that you can travel back today. And then I'd bin him off and find someone nicer to be with.

BarbaraFromOopNorth · 15/11/2019 09:03

What's happening @ellaandthebella?

Frownette · 15/11/2019 09:10

This isn't much fun for you - you'd enjoy yourself more on your own.

Hope you can get out soon but if it has to be Saturday praps you can go out for coffees/cake for a few hours and leave the brat to his own devices.

No rows, seriously, just tell him he's boring and you can't wait to go home.

switcharoo · 15/11/2019 09:10

How about a megabus instead of a train?

SurpriseSparDay · 15/11/2019 09:23

Unfortunately I cannot leave tonight - cannot afford a train or a hotel.

Ah, now this is a situation I recognise from decades ago. If you’re travelling three hours with - no financial back up - to stay with someone you really, really need a relationship of complete trust. Otherwise you’re just making yourself vulnerable to ill treatment. He knew you’d have to stick around, patiently waiting for him.

Even one episode of this would make anyone feel worthless. And you’ve paid for the privilege!

Gather your dignity, dump him, save your money and affection for something worthwhile.

APerkyPumpkin · 15/11/2019 09:29

What ticket do you actually have?

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/11/2019 09:30

He knew you were coming to see him, I can understand that spontaneous drinks can turn into a session, but I dont understand why he didnt tell you to come over and enjoy the evening with him and his friends instead.
I am sorry I think that is bad behaviour to leave you at home.

HalloweenCandyLeBonBon · 15/11/2019 09:33

If he's done this before and got away with it, it'll keep happening. Dump him.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 09:34

StrictlyNameChangin I remember that one now. No change then, no surprises for OP re callous behaviour from this guy. Hopefully OP will soon reach a tipping point.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 09:37

If he's got form for this then he clearly doesn't value spending time with you. Sorry, but I think you'd be better off ditching him.

How were things this morning?

JorisBonson · 15/11/2019 10:24

Sorry OP, what a wanker

AloneLonelyLoner · 15/11/2019 10:25

Urgh what a tool!

How are things today? Leave tomorrow and then let him chase you while you contemplate whether he deserves you (tip: no)

Tunnocks34 · 15/11/2019 10:29

I would go to the train station and explain. I have had a conductor allow me to travel with a ticket that was for days later with an explanation.

He’s an arsehole and he’s treating you like shit. Do not put up with this - please!

NormaBean · 15/11/2019 10:30

What are you cooking for him tonight OP?

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