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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or am I being a fool? - boyfriend related

247 replies

ellaandthebella · 14/11/2019 21:44

I currently live in a different city from my long term boyfriend for a variety of reasons. We have lived together in the past and are currently 3 hours by train away from each other. We still manage to see each other about every 3 weeks for a weekend.

As I had some free time recently we decided I would come and stay him for a week. He still has work during the day and has still done his hobby which he does twice a week whilst I am here, which is totally fine.

Tonight we made a plan to have dinner together just in the house. I use the word plan loosely though. It was just me asking what time he was going to be back and me saying I will make dinner for us and him saying he would be back by 7.30. I asked if he would bring wine. He said yes.

I was messaging him around 7.30 and just happened to ask if he was nearly back. He said no, he was in the pub and was just finishing his pint then would be leaving. Slightly annoyed at this point as that would bring it to 8 and dinner was ready. But I thought I would just heat it up and it would be fine.

8.15 comes. Still not back. Ask when he is coming and says he will be leaving soon. Properly annoyed now, but leave it.

Time passes. 8.45. Still not home. Finally decide I have to tell him I am upset. He basically ignores it and replies with general chat. I ring him. He answers but cannot hear him as it is so loud.

Now it is 9.40 and he is still not home. I am really upset. He is going to come back and say we never had real plans. It is kind of true, but even if we didn't I am still visiting him and he should have come back to see me shouldn't he?

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 15/11/2019 10:31

Do not let him turn this around on you.
My husband does ‘network’ shudder
but does give me plenty of notice , he’d never just go and not tell me and I wouldn’t to him .
It just shows this guy has zero respect for you and you deserve better .
So fucking rude , I’d be raging

PlinkPlink · 15/11/2019 10:38

I agree with above PP.

He is showing what a lack of respect he has for you. He could have rung before he went networking and said I'm really sorry but I need to do this for my job. I promise I'll be home with a bottle of wine and we can spend some time when I get back".

How hard would that have been?

AnyFucker · 15/11/2019 12:31

I wonder what this bloke has planned this evening.

Drinks after work. Club. Late one. Maybe the casino. I'll bet there's a bird he's got his eye on that he can impress.

Op will be alright. The telly's not too bad on a Friday. She can watch that while she washes up after the meal she cooks for him that gets binned. Again. It's like being a downtrodden 1950's wife without the ring.

If that's ok with you, op then crack on. Otherwise, stop kidding yourself you "can't afford" your dignity.

KarmaStar · 15/11/2019 14:57

Hi op
He was very rude,disrespectful and unconcerned about you.
I would walk away from this man/relationship.
You deserve so much better.Flowers

KarmaStar · 15/11/2019 14:59

P.S.to answer your question,you are not a fool,but you would be heading that way if you stayed in this relationship.

summersherewishiwasnt · 15/11/2019 15:01

Bin him

carly2803 · 15/11/2019 15:17

so he has sex every 3 weeksandin between that does what he wants?

this isnt a relationship OP

Dump. go home and move on.

Ringdonna · 15/11/2019 15:25

Sure he wasn,'t chatting up another girl?

Frownette · 15/11/2019 15:48

Oh no please don't tell us you've slept with him

ThanosSavedMe · 15/11/2019 15:56

Get your train home tomorrow and don’t bother coming back. If this is what he’s like now, imagine being married to him or having children with him. Get out now whilst you still can.

He’s so not worth the hassle.

fancytiles · 15/11/2019 16:35

How mean, he doesn't sound like a very nice person!
I would leave him, you can do so much better than someone who treats you like that!

StormTreader · 15/11/2019 16:51

I heard something very eye-opening on a podcast a few weeks ago "a key need in a relationship is the need to feel significant."

He has told you as clearly as he can that you are NOT significant to him. He could have texted you at the point drinks were announced "The high-ups are having drinks, its really important I'm there, I'm so sorry. Please eat the dinner you've made, put a film on, have a nice evening and I'll let you know when I'm heading back and will make it up to you".

He left you waiting. And waiting. And waiting. If things are like this now, they will only get more so later.

HollowTalk · 15/11/2019 16:55

I hope you don't make another visit to this guy. He's done this now and has done it before. You have to accept it'll happen in the future, if you go back again.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/11/2019 17:21

How are you doing OP?

sittingunderthetree · 15/11/2019 18:08

This isn't the same person who wrote about having having a chest infection whilst her boyfriend got drunk with his brother ... That was me! We were also in a LDR. He was also the biggest wanker ever.

Op, I echo what everyone else is saying about dumping him. My classy ex dumped me because I dared to tell him he was unreasonable. Just before my birthday. Because I had "made him feel guilty". He came crawling back 2 weeks later. And is apparently telling any old fucker that he's heartbroken. Bless.

I got over him pretty quickly. The thing about dead weight boyfriend's is that you feel so much lighter without them. Block him like I did.

Don't make yourself small to keep him happy. You're allowed to take up space!

ellaandthebella · 15/11/2019 18:17

Thanks for everyones replies. I am still here but have not spoken, or even seen him, since. I slept on the sofa last night and plan to go out before he gets back from work so I do not see him and will leave to go home tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 15/11/2019 18:18

Hope you've got through this last day without too much upset (or lies/charm from him) and can get home tomorrow to have a good long think about how much better he ought to treat you and whether it's worth considering any longer.

Lovemenorca · 15/11/2019 18:23

You visited him for a week
You’ve not worked and he has, and continued his hobbies

You must be bored senseless and no doubt desperate for human interaction by the end of the day

He doesn’t seem fussed that you’re visiting

I think you need to build more of a life for yourself. Visiting someone and basically doing bugger all waiting for them to finish work? No way to live

user1471504234 · 15/11/2019 18:24

I think his lack of apology will hopefully make you realise you are doing the right thing if you end the relationship. He is treating you with a complete lack of respect. Good luck. There are many many people out there who are decent, he is not one of them!

ThirstyWork · 15/11/2019 18:27

My EX-husband used to do this EVERY NIGHT. That is not an exaggeration. It did not improve. I was relegated to the role of (newly married) Nagging Wife. We were only married for 2 years but I realised he was not going to change (yes, it took nightly repeats x 2 years of this for me to finally realised that nothing would be different in the future). The relief of ending that cycle when I finally fucked him off was immeasurable. Nowadays, I'm not going to beg any love interest to spend time with me... the way I try to look at situations nowadays is 'would I let a friend treat me like this?'. If the answer is Hell, NO, well I'm certainly not going to let someone who I have a physical, intimate relationship with, plus a home, shared financial responsibility etc with treat me like that. Go and take your open heart and share it with someone who thinks you're the bee's knees. xxx

RandomMess · 15/11/2019 18:34

So sorry he is such a selfish dick he hasn't even apologised!!!

Onwards and upwards, hope the next one is someone deserving of your time and love Thanks

TripleSeptic · 15/11/2019 18:38

Have a lovely time tonight, safe home tomorrow, ghost the fuck out of him in the forthcoming days and weeks. He's an absolute ARSEHOLE. Go and "network" yourself, it's better to be alone than alone in a relationship ❤Flowers Wine

Blueglaze · 15/11/2019 18:39

I’m sorry, that’s really hurtful and unacceptable. You deserve better. At least you don’t live with him at the moment so if you choose to dump him it’ll be easier, in practical terms.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 15/11/2019 18:41

Fuck that. He’s a twat and treating you like one. Leave him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/11/2019 18:48

AF nailed it really. What are you getting out of this? You sounded upset/aggrieved and then dismissive of the posters who sensibly told you to go.

One thing that I'm teaching my children is to always have enough money to leave something that's going bad. You can choose not to put yourself in this position ever again you know, if you can't afford a fare home then just don't go.

Talk about making yourself vulnerable and subservient because you can't afford to do otherwise. That's utterly ridiculous, sorry. He's an arse - don't be deserving of that because that's on you if you are.

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