Women shouldn’t have careers...

[Jadefeather7]

Controversial title but hear me out.

Since I was a child I was always pushed to do well academically. My parents invested a lot in my education (financially and time wise) in the hope that I could have a good career & standard of living. My mother told me that she always resented being a SAHM and wanted her daughters to be working and independent. She told me how her mother refused to take on paid childcare when she asked her to retire early but she said she would help her daughters so that their lives would be different, especially as unlike her, her daughters had gone into higher education.

I’m now in a position where I have a great career but it involves working long hours. I’m on maternity leave and find myself pregnant again. I plan to go back for a few months before my next mat leave in order to stay on top of things. As I think about how I will manage I do feel quite stressed.

I have an hour long commute (there are no local jobs in my area) and I work with young, (mostly) single, childless people who have no lives outside of work. The expectation is that everyone puts in long hours. I don’t really want further profession and responsibility at this stage but I don’t want to be taking the piss either (which is what they would see doing 9-5 as)

I’m trying to figure out childcare. I think a nanny would be best although finding someone who will do a fixed term contract is tricky. My husband is against the idea because he thinks it’s throwing money down the drain. It’s a lot of money but I feel like it’s worth it to maintain my career in the long run. His job is very pressurised as well. He wants us to use a childminder. I know that would mean extra stress for me as I would have to try to rush back to do pick ups, laundry, meals etc.

I was talking to my mum about going back to work and she started trying to put me off and told me that I should become a SAHM or take an extended career break (which she knows is career suicide).I felt really upset that after everything she had dreamed off for me, that she would say that.

Most of the women I know who have demanding careers have had a lot of support from their families. I know however that there are so many of you on here who manage with paid childcare, but my mum keeps making me doubt that it’s possible. If you are one those, please tell me it’s possible?

I really love my job. It was a huge part of my life for 10 years and I feel like my family don’t value it.

I’m starting to feel like women can’t have ‘careers’ and only suit having ‘jobs’. Plenty of people seem to manage somehow doing part time 9-5 jobs.

Was it a silly idea to put so much into my education and end up in this sort of career? I feel like all my hard work will end up just being a waste of time.

Exactly, Bab, and if you are married, then ditch a person who is sexist and believes all the lifework should be left to you in addition to your FT job.

@Jadefeather7 I left it.
My personal choice was to stay at home. I wanted to do it as my DM passed away and my priorities changed.
My youngest is 1 and I’m in no rush to go back.
I know I didn’t want to do the hours, the travelling and the socialising with my DC. I could have arranged child care but the personal cost wasn’t worth the salary to me.
I know without doubt I can go back tomorrow and they would have me at the grade I left, but I won’t do that unless or until I decide it’s what I want and I know that will not be until my children are in full time education.

Tell Your DH that he needs to do all childminder drop offs and pick ups.

Wow, Agnes, why all the vitriol to your mother and not your dad who left all the lifework to her? Maybe she wasn't trying to be 'all things to all people' but your father wasn't very nice and she felt she needed to always be able to support herself. So many bad memories of her because your dad pretty much bailed on childrearing.

I know I’m fortunate and in the minority but I worked like a dog for the company for a number of years and as I said previously, left on a massive high.

I am now the mother of a young adult (18 this summer). Still at school, likely to stay at home for a few more years, still our responsibility in terms of financial/practical/career support. I stopped work 3 years ago, having done my 30 years at the coal face. I'd built up a decent pension, made other investments, had an income and so the sums worked for us. I've found this 'end' of parenting pretty demanding - prep for exams, teenage push for independence, need to be available and creative for help with things like personal statements, finding part-time work, thinking about school and FE/work/apprenticeship choices, running around giving lifts, teaching basic life skills like budgeting, cooking, laundry, running bank accounts. So I am very, very glad that I worked full time from 7 months after birth, and was able to retire at 50 and be a supportive parent (as well as have a more pleasant life generally!) as the pay-off for the tougher years juggling work and family.

My advice would be throw money at the childcare you need that will make your life possible. Build your career now, maximise your earning, save as hard as you can so you can have more flexibility later. Have a word with your husband if you want to stay married to each other.

One other thing I forgot to mention was that my husband travels abroad every quarter for 3-4 weeks. When he’s in London he works from
home mostly bit every two weeks or so he gets asked to go to Manchester for 2-3 nights. There’s no regular schedule to this. Maybe he thinks he can do the drop offs and pick ups because he’s at home a lot but what happens when he’s travelling? As there’s no pre agreed schedule and everything gets decided last minute
it’s not like I can agree with my work that I will come in late/leave early or work from home.

That's a big drop feed OP but it makes it very clear that a childminder won't work and that your only real option is a nanny. So he needs to suck it up and pay half.

@Jadefeather7
Yup, your husband is a twit. He is just expecting you to suck up all the travel stuff and generally facilitate his life. Would he like to take a week or two off after his foreign travels whilst you are at work so that he can pick up all domestic duties and you can stay late and try to make up for time lost at work whilst he was away? Then you can take a week off when he is away to give you some breathing room from work (if not from baby). Bet he wouldn't!!

So what’s his plan for childminder drop offs and pick ups?

Honestly, you need a nanny. Just tell him that this what’s happening and he’ll be paying half as they’re his kids as well. Your husband is an arsehole. He only thinks it’s a waste of money because it will be you not him having to skivvy around doing all the childcare juggling. He sounds like a massive tit.

dontalltalkatonce my dad barely gets a mention because he was simply absent, though he lived in the house, I have few memories of him and many of my mother being angry or miserable. I have talked to her about why they worked the way they did and she says they chose to prioritise my father's career - they both have the same qualifications. She's sometimes bitter about it and sometimes somewhat Stepford Wife about it so it's hard to understand how she genuinely feels.

Unlike my father who carried on working many years passed retirement age, my mother retired in her early 50s as soon as her youngest child left home, saying she'd done her bit and wanted to concentrate on gardening and her church groups, which was also a little difficult to understand in the context of our childhoods. She most certainly wanted to (and felt obligated to, it wasn't want in a greedy sense but a driven sense) have it all - she had shelves of "inspiring" books on the subject and her role models included Margret Thatcher... She also often said she worked in order to be a roll model to her daughters, but it didn't have that impact. My parents are still still married (in their late 70s) and one another's greatest fans, which is nice of course...

I kept working FT, and paid a lot for reliable childcare (we used the workplace nursery, then private schools with excellent wrap-around care). DH has always pulled his weight in this regard (e.g. it was always easier for him to take time off when they were ill - he got cookies for being a great dad, whereas if I did it I got judged for not being committed - we worked for the same company at the time).

It was worth sticking with it. My career progressed, I’ve retrained and been promoted several times and I’m now earning a 6-figure salary (in fact I’ve out-earned DH for over a decade). My DC are now 15 & 13, so the only thing we have to coordinate now is not being away overnight at the same time.

How are you finances handled? Let me hazard a guess: he's one of those '50/50' guys, except when it comes to lifework and kids. Honestly, just tell him you're getting a nanny, the childminder will NOT work.

As for the suggestion that if you split he'll take the kids to 'give you a break', nope, that never happens with men like this. No one can be forced to take the kids, either, only to pay for them. He'll have endless excuses as to why he 'can't' because he's fundamentally a sexist git who believes childcare, family and lifework are women's work.

Agree @dontalltalkatonce

When someone makes it hard for you to work and earn your own money that makes it even more important that you don’t listen to them.

@dontalltalkatonce Yeah once on maternity leave I was basically buying everything for the baby and doing all our grocery shopping. I had to ask him to contribute which he did. I expected him to offer though as he knew I was on reduced pay.

Yep, I'm not surprised, men like him are all pretty much the same. You really, truly, cannot give up FT work for a man like this. NO WAY, even if you have to leave, because he will 100% fuck you over financially. And believe me, I'm 48 and have seen this happen to friends of mine so many times I cannot count. 'With your work schedule and mine, a nanny is the sensible childcare option.'

Honestly, you're on a hiding to nothing with this person, sadly. I understand the biological clock, but it's probably a good idea to not further procreate with a person like this.

Honestly, get a nanny. As someone else said, you will need to go to breakfast meetings and things after work. A nanny will give you that flexibility. Flying out the door at 4.45 because the trains are running late and you need to be back at 6 to collect from the childminder will (unfortunately) mark your card.

Also this time - in the grand scheme of things - is short. You may be happy sitting at your current level for now. In a couple of years' time, when your kids are a bit older, you might be desperate to move on with your career. If you've done the groundwork now, you'll be able to make that happen.

But the childcare is both of your responsibility. It's not yours because you gave birth.

I so agree, Marsha.

I have a good, senior career that involves at time overseas travel. Currently on a 2 week stint (I do struggle with that).

We use nursery as felt with a Nanny or Childminder, if they are sick it will leave us short last minute. Our nursery is 7.30-6pm and do breakfast, lunch and dinner. I work full time over four days so long hours with a long commute (1.5 hours each way).

My DH works closer so does pick up and drop off. There is nothing we need to supply so it is literally drop child in, nothing to prepare. My oldest is at school now but they have good wraparound care to match nursery hours.

It’s entirely doable without family help.

It’s also entirely fine if you don’t want to do it.

He’s good at talking about how he’s supportive of my career. He will even mention things like shared parental leave (he knows that the maternity pay package I’m on would make that a silly choice) or he will float the idea of going part time but then tell me how it’s destroyed his colleagues career. I don’t know if he’s genuinely considered any of it or just trying to show that he’s all about equality

so good that he would get a Nanny or pay for it.

Tell him a Nanny is the way forward or he goes part time. you are not taking the career sacrifice if you dont have to

Echoing other posters: do everything you can to keep your career going and preserve your sanity. Get a nanny. I wasn’t able to have children (miscarriages) but that was my plan if I’d had any. The profession I’m in and the level of seniority I’m at don’t permit leaving the office at 5 pm to get to nursery before it closes. I simply couldn’t have done my last four jobs if I’d tried to do that.

Keep your financial independence. That is the best advice you have been given on this thread.

I feel like you should get a nanny as she will take care of everything to do with the children all week if you want to continue to work full time.
It sounds like a huge amount of stress on you all so think carefully about it. It's not your job to do everything else aswell just because he gets paid more or is more important. It doesn't work like that.