Women shouldn’t have careers...

[Jadefeather7]

Controversial title but hear me out.

Since I was a child I was always pushed to do well academically. My parents invested a lot in my education (financially and time wise) in the hope that I could have a good career & standard of living. My mother told me that she always resented being a SAHM and wanted her daughters to be working and independent. She told me how her mother refused to take on paid childcare when she asked her to retire early but she said she would help her daughters so that their lives would be different, especially as unlike her, her daughters had gone into higher education.

I’m now in a position where I have a great career but it involves working long hours. I’m on maternity leave and find myself pregnant again. I plan to go back for a few months before my next mat leave in order to stay on top of things. As I think about how I will manage I do feel quite stressed.

I have an hour long commute (there are no local jobs in my area) and I work with young, (mostly) single, childless people who have no lives outside of work. The expectation is that everyone puts in long hours. I don’t really want further profession and responsibility at this stage but I don’t want to be taking the piss either (which is what they would see doing 9-5 as)

I’m trying to figure out childcare. I think a nanny would be best although finding someone who will do a fixed term contract is tricky. My husband is against the idea because he thinks it’s throwing money down the drain. It’s a lot of money but I feel like it’s worth it to maintain my career in the long run. His job is very pressurised as well. He wants us to use a childminder. I know that would mean extra stress for me as I would have to try to rush back to do pick ups, laundry, meals etc.

I was talking to my mum about going back to work and she started trying to put me off and told me that I should become a SAHM or take an extended career break (which she knows is career suicide).I felt really upset that after everything she had dreamed off for me, that she would say that.

Most of the women I know who have demanding careers have had a lot of support from their families. I know however that there are so many of you on here who manage with paid childcare, but my mum keeps making me doubt that it’s possible. If you are one those, please tell me it’s possible?

I really love my job. It was a huge part of my life for 10 years and I feel like my family don’t value it.

I’m starting to feel like women can’t have ‘careers’ and only suit having ‘jobs’. Plenty of people seem to manage somehow doing part time 9-5 jobs.

Was it a silly idea to put so much into my education and end up in this sort of career? I feel like all my hard work will end up just being a waste of time.

I'm a single mum and I manage to have a career. The main difference is you have someone to resent for not supporting you.

My mother's career started after she had her children. She showed me that having kids didn't mean that was "it" for her life - when I (youngest) went to school she retrained and started a new career. And that was in much less progressive times than now.

Your husband has not quite got with the equality programme. What is HE doing to do to manage the situation? Why is it your responsibility? That's what's missing for me in your situation.

You should both have equal opportunity to build/maintain your careers and both make sacrifices to make the childcare manageable. His career is NOT more important than yours. If you buy into that bullshit it will never work for you.

I'm a career woman, in great kind of job for my field in terms of national recognition and future prospects if I ever moved etc.
I've also just had a DD, and returned to work. Planning a second. My career has taken a punch due to year out, and prob will again after second and returning 4 days a week. I think the problem with so many of us now is we realise (as do our mums) how far we've come in terms of equal rights (still a way to go) the feeling you have to push as far as you can is always there because others didn't have the opportunities we have had. In reality being a SAHM or being a working mum both have challenges, and instead of getting the best of both worlds I've found often I end up with the worst of both worlds!! I work crazy hours, I juggle childcare and ache to be with my baby, but I also think I'd go mad being a stay at home mum, especially when kids go to school etc and I'm left with career in tatters (v difficult to pick up again like yours by sound of it) and losing all I've worked for having to start again. I'm just accepting being stagnant in my career until kids off to school in few yrs and I'll amp it up again, but importantly I'm staying working, building my years in job and keeping my knowledge and skills up.

Sometimes I wish I could just do a 9-5, one that I could switch off from when 5 comes but I know I'd resent it. Hubby also doesn't earn near as much as I do so don't have the option.

Don't let your mums expectations or opinions alter YOUR life decisions, by all means listen to rational arguments but ultimately its your decision. You can manage with paid childcare, my work I do 4 days, after much persuasion I got DH to ask about reducing his hours - they let him (kind of had to as other females on his team were allowed why wasn't he!) and that leaves us with tue-thur childcare, my mum does a Wed, childminder tue/thur. After 6 weeks it's now the new norm and works for us. Modern world and all that, both you and partner should look at options for childcare, never know what's on table till you ask it doesn't just have to be you who compromises.

And another thing - I have done much better at "having it all" as a single parent juggling paid childcare and a demanding job with a decent commute than I ever did when I was with a jackass of a man who thought his career was more important than mine.

Honestly OP from reading your updates about your husband I'm more inclined to think your thread title should have been "Men shouldn't have kids"

I'm a SAHM (by choice) and your DH is being ridiculous. Paying good money for good childcare that fits our needs is not "money down the drain".

So he is saying that in order to save money, the additional cost of using a childminder would be picked up by you - ie a mental, emotional and physical cost to you, and probably ultimately a financial cost as you may well be held back in your job, in order to save him a few ££?! I don't think so!

In the last five years I've completed an MBA and progressed in my career to a senior role, all with young 2 DC and now a 3rd on the way. Of course it can be done.

That's not to say I wasn't posting on the "wouldn't it be nice to be a SAHM" thread -- there are advantages to both!

However DH does a good share in managing the DC. I won't say it's an equal share; I still have to "project manage" a lot of it and remind him of dates, times, places -- for example, today's the school's open day to visit the classrooms and while he's the one who has actually gone, I had to forward him the email, remind him to register, and remind him of the date and time. I'd say the emotional labour still falls to me but the execution of a lot of it is his purview, and even with that disparity it still works.

So yes, entirely possible if your partner is going to even attempt to meet some of the demands.

I know women who have great careers. They have two things though-
Nannies and a supportive partner. A suppirtive partner that accepts that they need to do half of pick ups, drop offs and days off when their child is sick.

I dont think he can have it both ways - if he is not going to participate fully then he needs to pay for someone who does

Ger a nanny. You both pay for it.

I have a career, child and zero (totally zero) family help/support. We've used a nursery, then wrap around care plus babysitter and holiday club, and these days just an ad hoc babysitter and holiday club/PGL (ds is 13). We also have a cleaner, now for 6 hours a week which includes tidying, organising and other more non cleaning jobs.

It does take both of you to be committed to both partners jobs though, and for you to split things very equally in the home. Your DH is being a twonk about a nanny

Even if you don't want to progress, it doesn't sound like your career is any less important to you than his to him.

OP, women can have a career and children if they marry the right man. Unfortunately you didn't. That is usually the answer people come to by the end of all of the drip feeds on these threads and yours will be no different.

I say this as someone who has changed career while having a family and about to start a new role. I was a SAHM for many years but also retrained during this time. My DH has always supported me 100%.

Modern women need to stop accepting this from their partners - a partner, husband, and father needs to step up. Childcare is a JOINT responsibility and frankly, I would never have children with a man who resented paying for the best available childcare for our children - they are your most treasured possession, why would you choose cheap childcare for them?????

You’re conflating women with mothers. They’re not necessarily the same thing. I manage a very senior job just fine because I didn’t make the lifestyle choice of having children.

Yes, sounds like a DH problem to me (just ignore your mother!). I would work out your family schedule for the week if you had a childminder - Mon to Fri, what are all the extra tasks needed over a nanny eg drop-off, pick-up, meals etc. Then sit with DH and ask him to commit to which ones he'll do. If he won't/ can't, then you need a nanny. End of. You want to work and so does he - you both have the kids so you are both responsible for the costs involved. Good luck!

This is exactly the kind of thing you discuss before you get pregnant. My husband and I are both professionals and were both invested in our careers before trying for our first and we decided that we had 3 options:

1. One of us puts our career progression on hold but continues working PT for as long as necessary until we felt children were independent enough for us to commit to full time again. In this case, work is more of a job than a career but it is temporary and you still keep your foot in it
2. One of us becomes stay at home parent
3. We both continue as previously in our careers and employ a nanny for all the reasons you mentioned

Fortunately, my profession lends itself to part time working and job shares and I was happy to take a step back (although I didn't want to completely leave work) so the first option worked perfectly for us.

I do pick up the lions share of housework and childcare during the week but his full time salary is close to double my equivalent now I am stagnant and he is continuing to progress. We are both happy with our arrangement and will continue as is until one of us wants to change something

And why can't your dh give up his job to be a sahp? Why does it have to be you?

A man in his team recently went part time and his boss said that’s the end of his career. He won’t do it. I’m fine with that but then we need a nanny.

I will do four days probably but I need good childcare for those days. It’s like @HildaSnibbs said, I will end up bearing the cost if we go for the cheaper option.

I’m in same position as you op. I have a career I have worked hard for over the last 20 years and it pays well. I also got pregnant on mat leave, so there will only be 15 months between my 2 children. I will also need a nanny when I return from leave, because of long and unpredictable hours.
There is no debate over this with my husband. He respects my career and we have agreed together that we will need a nanny. Neither of us needs the stress of trying to get to a nursery by 1800.
The way I see it is that I don’t want to give up a part of who I am and my independence. I don’t want to be a sahm in a few years time. It’s the hardest job in the world if you ask me and one I would not be suited to long term.
Women can absolutely have careers and children and should be encouraged to keep working in my opinion - IF that is what they personally want.
Childcare is the joint responsibility of the 2 people who decided to have that child in the first place.

In the office when it’s home time for you, say cherrio everyone, just off now to start my second job, walk out the door head high. And get home and give the husband a kick up the bum

Put it to him like that, explain all the extra work that would fall to BOTH of you (that he thinks should fall only to you) and ask him if he thinks that's fair. Good luck Jadefeather and stick to your guns!

I’m starting to feel like women can’t have ‘careers’ and only suit having ‘jobs’. Plenty of people seem to manage somehow doing part time 9-5 jobs.

What's a part time 9-5 job?

I have career and had 2 children and was a single parent at one point. I used paid childcare. I dorn speak to my parents.

It seems to me, you thought your mother would provide childcare? Otherwise I am not sure why you included the part about her mother?

If your career is important to you, its important. Both you and dh have to work together. His job doesn't take priority.

It seems to be your problem is a mix of career that expects alot of extra homes, a dh who thinks life for him should stay the same and your mum not offering to help with childcare.

I have an extremely well paid professional job.
However 10 years ago I was in exactly the same position. My WHOLE salary at the time after tax went on a nanny.
But she was excellent and allowed me to get on with my work without continually worrying about my children.
When I did get home I could be 100% Mummy- house was clean and children fed!
I am now bearing the fruits of keeping my career going. My kids are very happy and settled and I have a fulfilling career.

Well yes, it was somewhat silly to invest so much in education, only to take over all childcare and domestic work to facilitate your husband's career.

Threads like this make my blood boil.

Unless it was an immaculate conception, your DH was an active party in deciding to have a second child so soon after your first. The logistics of childcare should surely have come up at some stage, no?

Bully for him and his super important career, you've presumably put in just as much work as he did to get where you are, so why on earth should you have to suffer all the consequences of taking time off for sick DC, leaving early for pick-up, etc. To be frank, your DH sounds like a dick and you would be better off without him. In the meantime, I would get a nanny and effing well demand that he contributes 50% towards the cost.