AIBU to want to not meet him due to my weight?

[misunderstoodjustice]

Hey lovelies,

So I'm a lurker, first time posting as I feel like I'm in a bit of a mental pickle.

Basically, I met this wonderful guy, there's a long distance issue but we text daily and FaceTime when life doesn't get in the way. I was meant to be in Manchester for work but the conference was cancelled and we decided I should still come through and he'd drive up and we would meet for the first time. It's almost halfway for both of us.

Now, I'm panicking. It's next Friday, the 22nd. I have recently lost 50lbs and still see myself as the size 22 unlovable woman. I mean I'm a size 16, still have a mum tum and although I do generally feel better about my self image- this has my head spinning as I really like him.

We enjoy the same things and get on well. I've sent photos of myself, but they are all those kinda I'm posed and good angles and brilliant light type... I'm worried what he will think of me when he sees me properly.

There's an age gap and I understand that I'm just being incredibly insecure - just need opinions- should I go? Should I cancel? How can I fake the confidence of one of those effortless women?! 😂

[HauntedPinecone]

My god I just want to stand up and applaud everything that HerrenaHarridan has said up thread!

Listen to her OP!

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

Whatever you decide to do, please don't go into a dating situation believing that you're the one who has to do all the work of impressing him. If you have that mindset, you're giving him all the power in the relationship and not expecting anything like the same investment form him. Don't feel like you need to be grateful for his attention or that your body is something to be liked despite the way it looks rather than because of. And don't squeeze yourself into horrible shapewear that stops you from enjoying a meal or from sitting down comfortably. Just choose clothing that fits and flatters you, and is the right size. You shouldn't have to be making your body fit the clothes with restrictive underwear!

[TheHootiestOwl]

OP is that you in that pic? You look fab!

[misunderstoodjustice]

It's not that I want to just have to impress him. I'm still not exactly comfortable in how I look. I've never been the skinny type. The smallest I've ever been was a 14- years and years ago.

I think a lot of my nerves is because I'm somewhat already attached. We've both invested a lot of time and energy into building our friendship and so forth long distance, I just don't want to feel shattered because of how I feel about my weight or appearance.

I am also completely aware that if he does not like me at the size I am he's most likely not worth it... it's just a big step from how we've been talking for a while to meeting and I'm incredibly nervous. I mean I could just cancel and keep working on myself as I'd be in his town for work the back end of January and I may feel more comfortable then.

I'm just feeling a strange mix of excitement and fear right now. Excited that we finally meet etc but fear that maybe he won't like me when I'm in the flesh

[Emeraldshamrock]

Well done you.
Treat yourself.
Go you could be dead next week. 😁

[HerrenaHarridan]

Go and have fun, size him up right back and keep your standards high.

There’s a line in one of my favourite songs that goes
‘I want my sisters free to burn the burqa if they choose
Not lie awake and calculate what weight they need to lose’

This is a trap, created by society to keep women at bay.
This belief that you will feel/be better (more confident) if you lose a few more pounds or buy that lipstick or cellulite cream is sold to you by advertisers, it’s bull shit!

You will feel better and more confident if you wear good solid shoes that make you feel steady and kick ass instead of tettering and precarious.
You will feel more confident if you wear clothes that fit and don’t try to squeeze yourself into too small things because you don’t want to buy a bigger number label.

You will feel better if you moisturise, take a min to paint your nails or accessorise with some bold earrings.

You will feel better if you stop staring at yourself and telling yourself you need fixed.

Go rock that date and then go and find a friend who will keep needs told all this too and keep bigging each other up!

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

FWIW, I'm sure he knows roughly what size you are and doesn't have some sort of false image of you as a stick insect! The camera does add pounds and I can't say I've ever come across anyone who looked smaller in photos than they did in real life (barring any photoshopping of course). You look neither fat nor thin in the picture you posted here, just like a perfectly normal, nice person whose weight wouldn't even be worthy of notice or comment.

I understand, really I do. I am a 16 at the moment and I'm convinced half the time that people must be looking at my arse in baffled disbelief that something so large managed to squeeze through the door. But of course they're not, it's just an average sized arse that can comfortably fit into standard sized airline seats. Nobody is half so interested in finding fault with me as I am myself!

[Bilingualspingual]

You might not fancy him! In the nicest possible way, you’re focusing very much on yourself and what he will think of you.

When you meet him, decide what you think of him. Is he funny? Kind? Interesting? Do you fancy him? You might not...

And you look hot in that photo.

[EleanorShellstrop100]

OP you look amazing in that picture! You have no reason to feel unconfident!

[Cator]

You look utterly fabulous! Truuuust me on this (former SWer) - it takes ages to update the mental image you have of yourself after you lose weight. You still look in the mirror and see the bigger person. While eventually you notice it's hard to adjust after major weight loss. For me I still saw the fat person up until the seriously attractive muscular bloke on my office reception told me I needed to stop losing weight!!

Go on that date feeling as confident as you should! And remember, you're there to scope him out too, it's not a job interview! Good luck! x

[HeresMe]

You look amazing in your picture.

Don't do yourself down and meet him you only live once.

[AlpacaGoodnight]

Good luck!

[misunderstoodjustice]

Hey, sorry it's been a bit of a manic day today- thanks for all the kind words.

I think I'll go and keep trying to be positive. I already know the guy pretty well and we've been talking for some time - it's just turned tables a bit a few months ago and headed in a more romantic direction.

Hopefully it will all go well and there's a spark or what have you. I think I'm going to go through some of my old dresses and see if any of them fit, they are quite tailored, some should be generous 14/16 too so maybe I'll hit gold.

I know it's about me liking him too and I do otherwise I wouldn't consider meeting him, I'm just worried I'd disappoint and it will be one of those horror stories people tell that I was nothing like my pictures etc- even if I haven't tried to hide anything.

[Graphista]

Go for it!

I used to be very slim in my youth but since having dd and due to various health issue I gained weight, plus from having dd I have stretch marks and c section scar.

When I first split from ex I was a size 20 and REALLY not feeling confident about my looks, took a while and was helped by a dear friend who when I said I was nervous at the prospect of sleeping with someone new because of this told me “by the time you’re at that stage they have a pretty good idea what you look like and they’re clearly interested they won’t be put off by things like stretch marks”

I’ve since grown in confidence, and admittedly I lost some of the weight (mainly for health reasons) but actually...

I have had more male interest as a larger lady than I ever got when I was slim.

I think being completely honest it’s a combination of because i had no boobs then! I think a lot of guys do like boobs, but also life experience has made me a bit more confident, a bit more aware it’s not just a case of “do they fancy me” but also “do I fancy them”, and frankly I’m less desperate than when I was dating in run up to meeting ex (I was very broody and also very stupidly had it in my head if I wasn’t married by 30 I’d be “left on the shelf”).

Now having survived a divorce, a relationship since that didn’t work out, and having discovered there are many pros to being single, I’m not that fussed!

“Any tips on the confidence thing? You know the "fake it to you make it"...”

Smile - but not like the joker! 😂

Listen actively so you can properly participate in the conversation.

Have a couple things to talk about up your sleeve, but something inoffensive and neutral (not politics, religion etc) like a film or book or an activity you like.

Ask open questions that show an interest in their life.

Don’t panic if there are silences, most nervous people’s reaction is to jump in to fill it, try and resist that urge, maybe take a sip of a drink or change seating position.

“I hold most of my weight across my belly if that helps”

Me too typical apple shape. Wrap dresses perfect for us.

That’s you In pic?! Hell You’re gorgeous! (Confession I’m bi and I’d bloody date you!)

“And don't squeeze yourself into horrible shapewear that stops you from enjoying a meal or from sitting down comfortably” amen to this! I tried it once for a wedding just gave me awful indigestion luckily I was wearing over normal pants and they just got discarded in the ladies! Bloody awful things






[ISmellBabies]

You look amazing, you have nothing to worry about there at all. I think he will be considering himself a very lucky man - and he's right!

[misunderstoodjustice]

@Graphista thanks honey- I'm actually not too worried about silences, we have plenty in common and when we talk on the phone everything is great. But I'll try and smile (not like the joker. I've not even noticed male attention so that's why I'm freaking out I think.

I just don't know how to date I think. I know some of his dating history. He's been divorced once after 6 years, no kids and his last relationship was 2 years and ended about 8 months ago. So he seems like a steady guy, good job, nice house, has a great circle of friends and family (our hobby means we have mutual friends) and yeah- he's attractive. Very attractive- not the type I've dated before but the type I'd give a good look up and down at if I went to a bar. I don't mind being single btw... it's just my first big date in yonks 😂

[KateFoster]

You look brilliant in that photo! Hope you have a great time!

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

Please go! My DP is a lot larger than me and was worried about the same thing - we met, got on amazingly and I adore him no matter what size he is.

[Lindylooboo]

You look great in that pic. Like another poster said, treat this as an adventure. Go and have fun!

[Ilovethekitties]

Girrrrllll you've got to love yourself and your body at any size.

Treat yourself to something that's going to make you feel super special and write down some things that are fantastic about yourself, as cliche as that sounds, you need to realise what a super woman you are and get some confidence!

I'm a size 20 and I truly believe I am beautiful, my partner thinks so too.

Good luck on the date OP, I hope he is worth YOU.

[HelenaDove]

You look lovely Go forth and ENJOY!

Well done on your weight loss. I lost ten stone (140 pounds) and it took a long time for my mind to catch up.

And im guessing that may be whats going on with you.

[Rainycloudyday]

I love the advice on this thread about seeing yourself as the prize not the candidate. I could have done with that advice during my dating years, would have saved me a lot of heartache! Good luck OP, you look fantastic in that picture and have every reason to be filled with confidence!

[HeresMe]

Stop worrying about yourself is he worthy is of #misunderstoodjustice.

You are gorgeous hope he's right guy for you.

[Mammylamb]

You look lovely. He’ll be too busy trying to get into your pants to think of anything else lol