To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

If he acts on his suicidal thoughts your kids will have witnessed that. How terrible.
He needs professional help, tell him to go A&E. Suicidal is an emergency.

Not RTFT but if my kids told me they didn't want somebody in the house, as a parent, it's my duty to keep them feeling safe and comfortable in their home. It's not the same as them dictating that you can't do this or that, they're expressing that they feel uncomfortable with somebody around and in their 'safe space', I think you need to listen.

As to social services taking a dim view (!) they would not see a depressed friend as a risk, because they're usually not

Really? I have no knowledge of ss but I'd hope they'd take some interest in why children are unhappy about a male friend (with mh issues) of their mother staying overnight in their home.

you sound like a very nice person who is bending over backwards to give everyone else a say but not yourself.

Its a reasonable thing to do to give your DC options and to take their opinion into account but not to let them have the only say. Its your life too.

If you feel this friend is someone who you care about and needs help and he won't make the children uncomfortable or feel threatened, then invite him to stay. Its only for a few days and your children have you the rest of the time.

By allowing children to dictate your life for you, you are setting a poor example and bringing them up to feel they are the only people that matter, and others must take second place, including you. That not healthy psychologically. We all have to learn to give and take, and not take all the time. you need to inject some balance into the situation

These responses have nothing to do with mysogyny or the fact that you are a lone parent. You'd be getting the same responses if you'd told us that a partner had invited this friend to stay in your home.

If be more worried that the children aren't telling you something about why they don't want him around. Sorry if you've answered this but are they boys or girls?

2 issues. A depressed suicidal friend to stay against their wishes will go down badly.

However why exactly are you letting them dictate your dating? You are giving them way too much power. My eldest always said he would never accept me being with anyone else after I split from his dad. I would not let a child dictate to me and I am dating someone and it is serious. DS isn't thrilled but he is coming around. We are just taking it slowly.

I agree about not letting them dictate your dating life but I don't think it's helps if you're hiding relationships from them and introducing boyfriends as "my friend" - it sends a message to them that there's something to hide or distrust

It’s never occurred t me to ask my child if they mind us having guests to stay. We have recently had dh’s half brother and his fiancé so that they could attend a family gathering and we have a friend of mine who works for a charity abroad for a few nights a couple of times a year between trips. Ds probably finds it odd but it’s not his decision to make.

If your friend is suicidal then you need to drive him to the nearest A&E for assessment and referral to treatment and proper, qualified support.

If he is not suicidal then you need not have him to stay for 3 or 4 days, or take those days off work to get through his 'really low point' when this would impinge on your children's feeling of ease in their own home.

If he needs monitoring then he needs professional assessment, and you are letting your own ego needs trump common sense if you think you can help him through this rough patch.

You say your oldest has behavioural issues, and I suggest that you have a very short window to get a grip on whatever it is that is going on there before puberty kicks in and he literally grows too big for you to handle, ending up off the rails and in the sort of trouble young teen boys can end up in - the stuff that can seriously limit their life chances.

Take care of your own first, is what I am saying.

It's far too easy to indulge your ego by playing Good Samaritan with other people.

Focus instead on your child with behavioural issues. Get help for him.

I highly recommend family therapy for you and your DCs. There is stuff going on that needs to be sorted out.
www.aft.org.uk/view/index.html?tzcheck=1
Association for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice website here^

You need to work on your boundaries. It's very telling that your children complain that this man takes up too much of your time. Some people are emotional vampires. They are bottomless pits of need. Their friends either back off (because they have healthy boundaries) or they get sucked in to the extent that they offer a couch for 3 or 4 days to offer mental health support that they are not qualified to give regardless of the objections of their own children, and regardless of the fact that they are not qualified to offer the sort of monitoring you say this person needs.

Your children are not extensions of your personality. They are real, sentient beings, with needs that are your first priority in every situation. You need to identify those needs and especially the needs of the one with obvious issues, and do whatever it takes to sort that out. Sort out what is going on under your own roof first. You don't owe anyone else your time or energy.

I am quite 😮 at this thread. A friend with children once had me to stay for a few days when I had been through a terrible time and was low and vulnerable. I am very grateful for the love and support she gave me then.
Op I would tell my DC that my friend was sad and unhappy, and needed some care and kindness, and therefore was coming to stay.
They are children , why should they have the veto on you having friends, or dating ? I have not been single with children, so I see that it is all a balancing act, but surely you don’t have to stay single until they leave home ? Or never have a friend to stay because they don’t like it ?

Is their Dad involved ? ( apols if I have missed anything on this)
My younger dd has always hated me going out anywhere, as did dd1 when she was little. Now I do an activity roughly once a week, or I go out walking with a friend. She still doesn’t like it, but has accepted it. You have to have your own life too OP.

And why are you talking so much with your friends about your children? Have you asked them if that's ok?

Learn to keep your children's business under your hat.

Interestedwoman- one of the children has behavioural problems. I don't have a child with issues but I suspect that they need a calm, stable environment.

It's not prejudiced to assume that he might be feeling sad/angry (by definition depression involves having a low mood ) and describing it as "feeling sad" is me being polite. Others on the thread have wondered if OP changing suicidal for depressed is because his mood is very low. Of course it's possible that he might want to stay in bed most of the day and he'll chat to OP once the kids are in bed (in which case the kids might just assume that he's very tired ) but we don't know how he is and how his presence might affect the children- especially the one with behavioural problems who might be extra sensitive to his mood (or worsen it by lashing out) Only OP knows this really.

This is quite possibly the most judgey and jumping to conclusions thread I have ever seen.

Do what you feel is best OP no one here actually knows your children.

But can you consider speaking to them again? Kids that age dont need to know he's depressed sad will do, sad people need support and kind friends offer support. Its international kindness day as well.

They know that Mum is a soft touch for anybody with a hard luck story.

They know the chances are that 2-3 nights will morph into six months because 'I can't put him out on the street'.

They know that you are being taken advantage of, even if you don't realise it.

It’s never occurred to ask my DC if friends could come and stay, although that doesn’t happen very often.

If you routinely ask your children’s permission for friends to stay then your friend is right, they’re not the bos of you and you’re the adult who makes those decisions.

However if the reason you have said/asked on this occasion is because you already know that your children have issues with this particular friend then you were unreasonable to agree it in the first place.

And if they already have issues, then sending them off to stay with relatives while you entertain a volatile suicidal person is only going to give them the message that their thoughts and opinions don’t count.

sad people need support and kind friends offer support. Its international kindness day as well

Fucking bollocks. Exposing vulnerable children to a man they're uncomfortable around with mh issues under the guise of kindness.

Disgusting. If that's kindness, then I'm happy not to be fucking kind.

Agree, MitziK.

To palm your children off onto relatives while you have a friend to stay, that they don’t like, is sending the wrong message to your children.
Why would you do that?

Children have expressed they're unhappy about him staying in their home. That's their safe haven. Never compromise that. EVER.

I'm absolutely sickened by the amount of posters on this thread defending forcing children to accept a suicidal person they don't like into their home.

What the actual fuck is wrong with you all that you put a friends needs above that of your child's? That you'd happily cause emotional distress to your children?

@MsPotterPepper

I couldn't agree more. It's very upsetting actually. Those poor kids

MN is absolutely terrifying sometimes, it really is. The sheer lack of empathy and care, disguised as concern for the OP’s children who are at no risk whatsoever, with another place they could safely stay for a couple of days if they prefer it, is staggering. I am glad this sort of attitude would shock my family and friends.

Some posters are saying that the kids shouldn't dictate to their mum who she dates, how she spends her free time, who she is friends with. I absolutely agree!

But it's disingenuous to compare those things to having a suicidal adult friend (and ex boyfriend) come and stay, sleeping in their shared living room for 3-4 days (much more likely longer) when she has specifically asked them their thoughts and they've said it would make them really unhappy.

There's a pretty massive gulf between the examples in my first paragraph above and the specific situation OP has asked if she is being unreasonable about!

Why ask the kids and then a forum if she's so sure her decision is the best one?

@churchandstate

MN is absolutely terrifying sometimes, it really is. The sheer lack of empathy and care, disguised as concern for the OP’s children who are at no risk whatsoever

How do you know they're at no risk?

They already know this man and don't want him around. Does that not ring alarm bells for you? Or at least make you want to investigate why they feel like that?