To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

Generally they dont get to dictate your life much as you love them, they need to be made to understand that

YANBU. They're the kids, don't let them order you around. I can't imagine that ever happening when I was a kid lol. Parents were in charge of whether their friends stayed. The idea is daft to me. It's just a few days, not a month or anything.

The only reason kids would have a veto is if she was abusing them or something. Honestly, the world's gone mad.

My parents had a friend stay for months who needed it for work. We would never have dreampt of saying we didn't want her there. She was nice, anyway.

Even if we'd criticised our parent's friends, they wouldn't have approved.

Obviously it's different if she's genuinely abusing them, but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening.

My only concern is that I had a suicidal person stay with me for a 'couple of days' and it ended up being 3 months. It's incredibly hard to get yourself out of that situation once you're in it as you end up feeling so responsible. I found it tough as an adult, let alone with two kids.

The kids aren't being kicked out as I read it... grandparents is IF they don't want to be at home. They have a choice. It won't hurt them to stay at grandparents for a few days if that's what they choose.

It's a not a choice. Stay at home while mummy's friend stays where you feel uncomfortable or go stay at your grandparents, where you feel uncomfortable.

Or has op has, basically, said 'I am going to ask your opinion and if you dont give the right answer, its tough. Move out'

@Derbeem I think pretty normal and healthy to show dcs that you support your friends. That when things are tough, it’s ok to ask for help from friends and family and that te will be there for you.

It’s also ok to show them that sometimes you might have to make an effort for people close to you.

As for confusing term re being together, at that age, they will know relationships are not always forever and they should BELIEVE and trust their mum when she says he is just a friend.

I have to say I’m a bit that posters are basically telling the OP that she isn’t allowed to have a boyfriend until her dcs have left home (or they ar telling her who is or isn’t ok)

You have changed from suicidal to very depressed . You in reality have no idea if this man isn’t suicidal. Men statistically are more likely to succeed at suicide attempts .

I am a Lp with no family support and a child with Sn’s so yes I do get how hard it is. It inviting someone into your house to addd another difficulty to an already difficult situation . Use up your leave .

You are entitled to a life , some happiness but the children should not have to be impacted by these decisions

If you trust him to be in the home for a few days and you know that it's not going to be open ended then absolutely you should let him stay. People leaping to all sorts of ridiculous conclusions saying listen to your kids are being over dramatic in my opinion.

Most likely I think you kids don't want him there due to the mild inconvenience that having a house guest around entails and possibly also they feel they don't want your attention to be split. That's not abnormal but shouldn't be indulged. You can give them the choice so if they are genuinely uncomfortable they can stay elsewhere for a few days.

Of course your kids should come first but they shouldn't prevent you from helping a friend in need merely to insulate them from mild and temporary inconvenience. You're the adult, make your own judgement as to whether or not it's a good idea for him to stay (e.g. if you really think it will only be a matter of days).

Your kids can make those kinds of decisions when they're adults with their own households.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?
Yes OP, you would be completely unreasonable to do that. Your subsequent posts make your children sound like the reasoned, measured ones here.

Not a good plan. Can you support him without moving him in?

I was going to say YANBU and that you should have told the kids that X was going to stay 3-4 days and sleep on the sofa rather than ask.

That was until I read the update about him being suicidal/depressed. It's not great parenting to expose them to somebody who may be very sad or angry. I can't help but wonder how much 3 or 4 days sleeping on the sofa and living with kids who aren't fans of you will help.

Are grandparents able to cope with the child who has behavioural problems able to cope? She may be extra angry about being sent to the grandparents house.

I don’t want my DC to feel pushed out but nor do I want them to live in a world where people are left to flounder because nobody gives a shit.

I agree with this. Plus, they’re 9 and 11. They cannot dictate to you like that.

You're in charge (well, you should be.) If your kids moan about someone who's in a bad way staying for a few days, they need a lesson in compassion and how we should treat friends.

Kids need to understand that in a single parent family they can't always have their parents attention and time, and it's fine for mum in this case to prioritise helping someone in need over kids getting their own way.

Kids with 'behavioural problems' have a lot of difficulty understanding certain things at certain ages and struggle a lot with communicating. It is not about their 'getting their own way', it's about their comfort and security. FFS. Cannot believe people are talking about a 9 and 11-year-old who has behavioural problems like this! Their lives are really tough as it is. Or that it's 'indulging' them to not have some bloke around in their home and on their sofa whom they feel uncomfortable with.

Someone who is so deeply depressed that they're verging on suicidal ideation is someone who needs intense professional care. Not a few days on a friend's sofa and some sympathetic chat.

And children should not be expected to abet a friend's amateur attempts to 'help' by either vacating their home or being exposed to a deeply depressed person.

If you want to help this man, tell him he needs to admit himself to an appropriate mental health treatment facility for therapy and treatment.

Fuck me. You need to ask if it’s ok to bring an ex suicidal male, who may or may not speak much English into your kids home. If they don’t like it they can piss off to their grandparents.
Outrageous selfish, neglectful behavior.
There is a reason, possibly several, why your children do not like being around this “friend”.

If it were just a guest staying for a few days with a definite end to it, and your children found them boring or cranky, or resented sharing you and their home with someone else, then I would say that YANBU. Everyone has to learn to put up with the occasional inconvenient visitor, and no doubt you've let them have friends over to play when it wasn't absolutely convenient for you. HOWEVER, it seems to be much more than that. It seems that the friend has major problems that could not be fixed in just a few days, and that this may drag on and on, and be very stressful for everyone including the children - and that you may not really have the resources to help your friend properly either. I would not have him to stay in these circumstances, and would instead put effort into getting him help from housing organizations or charities; putting him in touch with counselling services; etc. If you do have him to stay, then I would suggest that you don't give the children the alternative of staying with relatives, unless they explicitly ask for it. This might make them feel either that they're being sent away as a punishment for not liking your friend, or even that you're trying to get rid of them in order to spend more time with him. 'We have to have him to stay to prevent his being homeless, and we must all like it or lump it' would, while not ideal for the children, be much better than any suggestion that they should leave.

'That was until I read the update about him being suicidal/depressed. It's not great parenting to expose them to somebody who may be very sad or angry.'

That's a bit prejudiced IMO. Not everyone/most people who are down are hard for kids to be around. Most people can keep it together enough to seem ok in front of kids- or he could stay in his room for a bit if he needs some time to himself.

Kids need to learn to, at least occasionally, be around someone who's upset. We shouldn't have to put up with that long term, but they will encounter many people in their lives who've been bereaved, whatever. Obviously not all the time, but occasionally being around someone who's down for a while (i.e a human being) would be part of them learning about life and how to treat people kindly.

I agree that you have to make sure the stay is only for as long as you've initially agreed to, or not much more.

he could stay in his room for a bit if he needs some time to himself

As he's sleeping on the sofa, I imagine he won't have his own room.

I don't think it's right to bring this man in to your home. With his current issues he is going to monopolise your time and that's not fair on your children. The fact that you think they should go sleep somewhere else if they don't like it is scary to me. They should be 100% your first priority.
You asked them the question, you should now respect their answer.

Drip feed

'Well done on basically shipping them out of their own home so you can put your FWB first'

Aaargh, this thread is bloody annoying. OP has said she's no longer involved in that way for him.

As to social services taking a dim view (!) they would not see a depressed friend as a risk, because they're usually not.

Tricky one, OP. It is not reasonable for your children to object to you dating or having male friends to the point where you cannot socilaise with men. Sometimes DC try to stop their mums having dates because they want their parents to get back together even if their father is useless or abusive, and it is far better for them to learn that relationships vary and that adults can have a variety of friends.

On the other hand, it's not reasonable to expect children to accept having an adult with MH issues sharing their home, when they don't know or care about that adult, and the adult may be noisy, disruptive or creepy.

Would it be possible to put it to the DC that your friend is unwell and needs to visit and be looked after by you? There is a tricky balance between teaching children that sometimes everyone has to make concessions for the sake of a person who needs help - and letting them get the impression that they don't matter to their parents and are an inconvenience.

(And if your friend's issues are substance abuse-related or his condition means that his behaviour is volatile and unpredictable, then, unless you are a qualified and experienced MH professional, he needs to be under the care of professionals, not staying with you. Love and kindness do not cure mental health problems.)