To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

Why did you bother asking them if your plan was always going to be to do it anyway? Black this man is not a teenager. There is an 11-year-old child here who has 'behavioural problems'. Kids like this, I have one myself, do need your undivided attention, I realise it's a PITA but well, they are children. My son is on 2 lots of medication, he's under paediatric psychiatric care, he's a nightmare and so demanding, but he has to come first right now because he's a little kid. He needs a lot of discipline, routine and guidance, it's a major constraint on our lives, he's selfish and often rude and stroppy (he's also definitely started puberty) but well, them's the breaks. Friends have to come second fiddle to him and his needs just now, which seems like 'wants' or demands but they're because his ADHD and autism make it hard for him to communicate even more son than your average hormonal tween (also have a stroppy hormonal teenage girl, too).

I think you should not ask them for an opinion if you don’t want to take it into account. Either you make decisions which you feel are reasonable without their input (but listen if they object and find out why they feel that way) or you consult them and take their views seriously. It seems a bit back to front to ask if they are on with your friend staying, then when they say no turn round and say “I’m the parent, your views don’t count and I’m telling your friend is coming to stay even though you don’t want him here”. That is just confusing for them.

Going forward, I think you could take a more authoritative approach if you want, but ok this one I think you’ve missed that boat.

It's their home too, don't invite the man to stay. He can stay somewhere else, you can meet up if you want.

So if they don't like, you are going to send them to stay elsewhere for 3-4 days even though you've said they hate staying away.

My mum used to do this a lot. We resent her for it now.

No it's your children's home as much as yours, they shouldn't be forced to share it when they feel uncomfortable around this man. Also if he is in as dark a place as you say I really don't think it's appropriate to put that around them. However yes obviously you can have a relationship and they can't dictate that but they shouldn't have to be surrounded by that in their own home certainly not unless you've been with the man for a prolonged period and they have been given time to adjust.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that suicidal people are a risk to the physical safety of others, more that

a) someone so profoundly depressed has a huge impact on the household, whether they mean to or not
b) seeing an adult suffering so much is extremely distressing to children and may have a lasting impact
c) they may attempt (or succeed) to commit suicide whilst in your home.

I've done what you're suggesting, OP - looked after friends who were suicidal. I also thought that I could effect a vast change in a few days, by getting them to speak to their GP, setting up benefits, making sure they ate properly and slept properly, etc. I was wrong - the process is a lot longer than that.

I'm not saying that you should abandon this friend (far from it) but I can see why your kids feel so anxious about having him in their home.

Sadly some women are so desperate for some male company/attention, they make terrible choices

^this

Poor kids, that you would even consider such a person staying over - in THEIR home!

YABU- I wouldn’t let any child of mine feel uncomfortable sleeping in their home or better yet turf them out for what essentially sounds like an unstable “newish” friend. This isn’t about children ruling the roost it’s common sense/ safe-guarding !

I don't get the misogyny comment, I'd feel the same about a suicidal female that my kids didn't like who wanted to stay and that's a no. I'm a single mother too and my child always comes first. I wouldn't be inviting someone into my home to stay he wasn't comfortable with, just because they're children doesn't mean Feelings aren't valid

100% agree.

It was a cheap shot to imply people were against your decision because of misogyny or assuming a man would be abusive / a sexual threat.

Why did you ask them if the answer didn't matter?

And then why did you ask on here if you were being unreasonable if the answer didn't matter?

And there's a fucking big difference between depression and suicide. I've gone through both at various points. Don't call someone suicidal if the term is then that easy for you to dismiss or backtrack on. Otherwise it feels like you're using it as a trump card. And it didn't work.

Suddenly we are taking about child abuse? Eh?

Children unhappy about a man their mother has befriended staying in the house? You'd have to be a complete idiot to not have considered the possibility of abuse.

@churchandstate
For me, nothing trumps the needs of the mother's children. He might kill himself. That's his issue, not hers.

God, I won't even have my bone idle, lazy arse, unemployed, entitled BIL to stay with us as his behaviour influences our son so much and DH knows it and agrees. DH's sister's partner threw him out of their flat once after 4 days of putting up with his shiftlessness. No idea what will happen when their mother, who has enabled him all his life, dies but there is zero way he is coming here even for a night as he'd never leave and cause a scene in front of DD and DS. No way. They come first. He's an adult.

Having read your update re your friend being in a bad place and suicidal, I think YABU.

Why on earth would you want to expose your children to that? If he is struggling that badly and needing someone to keep an eye on him, that would probably be quite unsettling for most children. Even more so as they know you have previously romantically involved. It might seem to them like he matters more than them (now you’ve asked their opinion).

If he is genuinely suicidal, he needs proper support. 3-4 days on your sofa won’t cut it- he’ll need more than that. People don’t go from suicidal to fine in 3 days. And what are you going to do on day 4 when he’s much the same? Chuck him out to get on with it? Or let him stay longer? I think it would be better to focus on helping your friend access more appropriate support and help.

The children are right arent they? How are you going to fix him if you don't put lots of effort into him.

When he is around you devote all your time to him..

I think you are mixing up having a social life and overriding your children's rights. You are entitled to a social life, why can't you get a babysitter? The children are entitled to feel comfortable in their own home, especially if someone is sleeping over.

I would listen to your children, often children have good instincts about people as they haven't overridden their gut feelings - that is until adults invalidate their feelings by ignoring them.

For me, nothing trumps the needs of the mother's children. He might kill himself. That's his issue, not hers.

That’s not how I am bringing up my kids.

@Greatorb
At 9&11 I hardly think they are emotionally blackmailing their mother or controlling her and the language you use about children is actually quite alarming.

Why would you want them to feel uncomfortable in their own home .
They don’t like him ..that would be enough for me
Why are you putting your friends feelings before your children’s

The kids aren't being kicked out as I read it... grandparents is IF they don't want to be at home. They have a choice. It won't hurt them to stay at grandparents for a few days if that's what they choose. My DC used to have to stay with ex's parents when they were younger on occasion. They didn't particularly enjoy it but there was either no alternative, or it was the best of 2 options.

Kids need to understand that in a single parent family they can't always have their parents attention and time, and it's fine for mum in this case to prioritise helping someone in need over kids getting their own way. As a pp upthread said it's ok to put someone's needs above the kids wants. Children need care etc but GOs can provide this for a few days, there's no risk to the DC. They want to stay at home with mum all to themselves; that's understandable, my DC wanted me to be at home all day and not work but that's not how life works.

So your DC were right, he does take up too much of your time from time/energy spent that should be spent with them. Listen to your DC. I doubt you will though because you're already defensive about putting a man's needs ahead of your DC.

Your dcs are decided who you can or can’t date?!?

Look I get that you want to involve them but you are giving them too much power and responsibility. This is not up to them to decide that.
Nor is it up to them to decide who stays or not at your house.
If they were saying I dint want X to saty because he makes me uncomfortable etc... such and such happened, then you would be totally right. But what they are saying here is that they don’t want a man to stay in case you end up dating and they dint want you to.
And that isn’t on.

I expect you will still have him to stay thou

There are two separate issues here. Your children having too much control over your social life, and your friend being an ex with suicidal tendencies.

Of course your kids shouldn't ordinarily have a say on whether your friends come over for takeaway and wine when they're in bed on a Tuesday night, but can you really not see that this situation is nothing like that, and that turfing them out of their own home for your mentally unstable ex is really not a smart thing to do?

It is not normal for a family to have a man (who is not a close relative) with serious mental health problems sleeping on their sofa for several days. That creates a dysfunctional family environment. Your children may remember the discomfort they felt forever, even if it passes without any notable incident.

My mum once had a boyfriend I disliked. He only visited just a handful of times, nothing happened on any of those occasions, I just felt uncomfortable when he was in my home. He may as well have been 'just a friend' as they didn't show any intimacy around me, but something wasn't right. Even now it's a fairly unpleasant memory.

Also, I have zero respect for your friend's opinion about your children having a say: She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control. It's a common attitude toward children in our society and I think it's backwards and disrespectful. Why shouldn't children be given some choice and control over their own lives? Of course they can't dictate things when and where you go shopping or how late they should stay up, some things are either impractical or not good for their own wellbeing. But why shouldn't they have a say in things that happen in their own home, it's their own private and safe space too.

If they don't feel happy and comfortable in their own home and they can't trust their own mother to respect their feelings, who can they turn to? That can create real problems further down the line when it comes to trust and attachment in their own future relationships.

YABVVVVVVVU.
Telling your young children to stay somewhere else, so you can prioritise this man is unacceptable.

Having a “friend” over when your children have know him as someone you were dating is confusing.

Having a depressed potentially homeless man sleeping on your sofa is abnormal for your children.

There are so many reasons why this is not ok, that I can’t believe your young children have so much more sense than you

I also dint agree about him taking too much of the OP’s time.
She is a single mum which means they can spend time with her every single day. Every single evening and every single weekend.
She never socialised unless it is at home.

It’s a very unusual situation. I am going out wo my dcs, I spend time doing some hobbies, seeing friends wo them. I even, shock horror, spend time with my dh and wo my dcs!!
Why is it that the OP shouldn't be allowed to do that because her dcs have decided it’s not ok not to have her full and undivided attention all of the time?
That’s not a healthy situation tbh. I’m all for putting dcs first but they also need to learn that other people’s needs are important too. If they dint learn that with their mum, how are they going to be with their partner as an adult?