To not allow 'seconds'...

[Whatsername7]

...I mean on a daily basis, not a second helping of a special meal or treat which I would allow.

Dd1 is 8, she is a little over average height, slim, medium framed. She absolutely loves food. Like most kids, she loves sweets, chocolate, cakes etc. She would eat them most days, given the choice. She likes healthy food too. We take an 'everything in moderation' approach to food, however, dd1 regularly ends up asking for more once she has eaten her portion. Tonight, I made an admittedly crap tea of sausage, potato smiles and salad. (Dd2 is poorly - I made something I hoped would entice her to eat - didn't work.) Dd1 had 5 potato smiles, two sausages, tomato, cucumber, peppers and a bread roll. Dd2 didn't eat hers and so dd1 asked if she could finish it (after finishing her own). I said 'no, its not healthy to eat a double portion' and took it away. She has since had some yoghurt. DH thinks im unreasonable and will give her a complex. I think im trying to teach her portion control. However, Im a recovered bulimic - my issues with food, and desperation to shield my girls from ever having those issues, cloud my judgement. So AIBU to say no? Is my approach to teaching dd1 healthy portions just going to set her on a path of restricting? DH is no help - he eats a lot of crap, is happily a couple of stone over weight and is totally relaxed about everything. Thanks.

Maybe a bit of a lighthearted answer.

My DGS is 10 months. Truly the most delightful, laid back DC.

Eats anything he is given. Most of his food is made with vegetables from his grandfather's organic vegetable garden. He has cheese, small amounts of chicken, fish etc.

\When I give him his meal I often think, "God I'd love some of this"
A few weeks ago, DIL casually wondered if she was feeding him too much. I wondered if he would keep eating if he didn't want it.

My wonderful, quiet, animal loving DS quietly said "pretty sure he's like the dogs, he'll keep eating while ever we put food in front of him".

It's a terrible idea

You sound pretty obsessed with food and the size of your daughter compared to her peers. Why do you think that attitude is going to save your daughter from bulimia?? I actually don’t see the connection. I had an eating disorder as a teenager and it stemmed from my mum’s obsession with weight, not being overweight, exercise, being healthy etc etc. However you frame it, it’s still YOUR issue. YOU haven’t fully recovered so please don’t let your daughters suffer because of it.

Stop giving crap like smiley faces and you won't need to worry but what you're doing now is feeding them crap but just a small amount of it. So they're both hungry and nourished by crap. Worse combination.

Cook some meals from scratch.

I hate when people say their kids love sweets. Why have they had sweets? And you say you're trying to develop a healthy diet?! Cake can be a dessert as can things like jelly and ice cream but you eat it as a course of a meal. Not randomly as a snack
Fruits and nuts are snacks. A sandwich is a snack. Sweets and cakes are not.

Of course I allow seconds sometimes. Usually when weve had a 'make your own plate' kind of dinner but she tends to take a little bit at a time.

I wouldn't really count that as having seconds. Surely she's just having the usual amount?

The NHS BMI calculator will give you a good idea of where she is weight wise

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/bmi-calculator/

I can understand your interest in helping your DD develop good eating habits. EDs, being overweight and other issues with food and body image can be really tough and no one would wish that on their child. I can also understand that given your own history, EDs may be more at the forefront of your mind than for other people.

Ironically though the less you focus on food, the better. It is best to avoid all comments that imply control, which include positive comments, e.g, rewarding, congratulating, etc. but also include emotive negative comments about food and health or food and weight. Try to be neutrally factual about food and offer choices. Children who feel they have control over meal times and food choices are less likely to exaggerate the importance of food later on.

I have found that for DD2, who likes food and doesn't like exercising, giving her a smaller portion for dinner is helpful, because then she has 'seconds' and isn't overly full. If she has a large portion, she feels cheated if she can't have 'seconds'.

Hi op
You should let her eat what she knows she needs at mealtimes.Throwing food away and her going to bed hungry is pretty silly.
If she had been constantly asking for more pudding,sweets etc then fair enough,but to stop her eating her full at the main course seems a bit cruel and may send her looking for chocolate and crisps to fill herself up on.
As she loves food,why not take her shopping,discuss different types of fruit and veg,get her interested in cooking the food and how quick and easy healthy meals are so she learns a bit about the food stuff and enjoys eating what she's helped make from scratch.
If there are no leftovers,fruit and yoghurt?

Stop giving crap like smiley faces and you won't need to worry

OP quite clearly said it was a crap quick meal as one child had been ill. You can't just assume she cooks like that all the time. Stop hoiking up the judgy pants!!

I dunno, I'm white British. Hubby is Caribbean. Next door neighbours are from an Ashkinazi background. I have friends from the Indian subcontinent. All of us feed sick people chicken soup.

Ok first of all, everything in moderation. No one is saying you should let DD eat herself into a coma.

But the fact you’re taking inventory of everything she eats AND calorie counting her food raises huge alarm bells. It seems like you are projecting your issues with food onto her. I know your heart is in the right place and you just want her to be healthy but I think if you carry on this way, not just with banning seconds but analyzing everything that your DD eats or wants to eat, you’re setting yourself up with a self fulfilling prophecy.

Oh ffs. Im not calorie counting at all - someone else pointed out the calories and I responded saying their calorie guesstimate was ridiculously low and gave a more accurate count in retort. I do not count my childrens calorie intake. Ever. Nor am I taking an inventory. Please rtft. The assumptions being cast here are getting silly.

Yabvu she should have been allowed it.
1 you gave a reletive healthy meal
2 she may not of had enough to eat as sometimes dc can eat more one day to the next
3 if you restrict her food intake that is very damageing
4 sorry no such thing as portion control when you eat a healthy diet ie plenty of fruit and veg. You can eat as much salad and veg and (unless it's smutherd in dressing )as you like chill out with the food. All my dcs are healthy I don't know about portion control. Sounds extremely controlling

It’s not a relative,y heal

Oops sorry! I meant it’s not a relatively healthy meal, even the OP admits that. I think the issue is a young child is in the stages of learning hie to self control food which is tricky.

@Whatsername7 maybe they’re just touching a nerve? You didn’t comment on what I said. Believe me if you continue down this road with your daughter she’ll have major issues and heaven forbid will be fatter than she ever was as an adult!!

I had bulimia for 8 years

You have an unhealthy attitude to food & passing it down to your daughter. You are actually making a bigger deal about food & will create the problem you fear

Countryescape - no, not touching a nerve at all. Just completely wrong and making stuff up that isnt in any of my posts. I haven't said I count (either hers or my own) calories because I don't. Nor do I monitor the food she eats beyond ensuring plenty of veg & fruit - but that is normal, every parent I know tries to ensure their kids eat the good stuff. I only know what she eats because I make her meals - im her mum, its my job. Impossible not to know really. In all honesty - I ignored your post because it contained comments I have already responded to.

1. I am fully recovered. I have said several times. Ive been recovered for years. My ed started because I got chubby as a teenager because my parents had an 'eat everything' approach to food and there was no guidance in terms of healthy vs unhealthy. I ate a pasty for lunch most days and my mum encouraged it. I wasn't the most active kid either. I gained weight, was teased, and so began the cycle. I want to give my kids better advice than my parents did, im frightened of them having an ed because it could damage them. Im also self aware enough to know that because ed frightens me and because of my own experience, I might not always make the right approach. So I asked here and listened to the genuine advice.
2. I only described dd compared to her peers because she is taller than average. As I already said, just saying she is 8 doesn't really give a visual to you when im asking for advice does it? Dd also has reduced her physical activity due to having a flare up of HSP. This will resolve itself, but in the mean time, she isn't running around a lot. I included these things so that people had an understanding of my dd. Some people said 'YABU, let her have seconds of dinner foods, only say no to junk foods. I completely accepted that. Some people said 'YABU, if she feels shamed for wanting more she might start eating in secret'. I 100% took that on board. Some of the people who have commented have been brutal but helpful, some have simply made stuff up and not bothered to read the thread. Im not sure which of those apply to your post but, either way, I might have accepted I made the wrong choice, but im not going to agree with outright lies and made up nonsense.

I’m glad you took it on board because as an ex bulimic it really annoyed me reading your post & how that behaviour would be affecting your daughter. Hope meal times are more relaxed & enjoyable for everyone moving forward

I think the calorie thing was picked up on because most people can't tell you how many calories are in foods. I certainly couldn't.

I checked the packets when accused of feeding my dd a meal if only 350 calories. First I thought, 'shit, is that all she had?' Then I checked, realised it was rubbish and retorted.

OP there are other indicators of the calories query. You said you were adhering to the guidelines on the packaging when it was suggested the portion allowance. If every child was 4ft tall and took size 4 shoes etc life would be a breeze. The difference is all children are very different. You also knew the thereabouts calorie count of a bread roll!
It also seems your DH has mentioned your food guidance approach, that's very telling as you obviously mention food concerns a lot. These factors are not made up, you've mentioned them in your posts.
We all want our children to be happy and healthy, all things in moderation is the best approach, rather than restrictions and concerns. Food issues are easily brought about. The devastating consequences that are a result of that are eating disorders which are heartbreaking.

As I said - I CHECKED THE CALORIE CONTENT AFTER someone posted saying it was 350. Im notba walking calorie dictionary. I looked because I thought Id really underfed my kid.
DH does not think I have issues with food. DH just thought I was being mean as he eats from other peoples plates and polishes away left overs. It went like this: Dd asked if she could finish her sisters plate, I said no. DH said 'your a meanie'. I said I wasn't just didn't want her to eat for the sake of it. DH said 'ah, it won't hurt'. I asked on here. No argument between me and dh, he isn't worried. Any assumption Im obsessed with calories or that meal times in our house are stressful are completely wrong. Do I over think things in my own head? Hell yes. As for the packaging, I did check that as a guideline. I often follow the 'serving suggestion' guidelines. Yes, that is a habit I built up in recovery years ago - my councilor taught me to do that. Now, its just a habit.

Oh, and dh and I did talk through my worries and he said he thinks by being so worried I will give her a complex. But, he isn't worried about my ability to serve my kids healthy food.

@Whatsername7 as an aside, don’t worry too much about the lack of exercise/running around. Exercise isn’t what is making a difference in people’s weight. Unless they are exercising A LOT.

And tbh, I think your approach sounds good. Plenty of vegetables. Asking if she is still hungry or just fancy xxx. Proposing an Apple at the end of the meal if she is still hungry and all very good way to teach a child about food and what is and isn’t a ‘good’ way to eat.