To not allow 'seconds'...

[Whatsername7]

...I mean on a daily basis, not a second helping of a special meal or treat which I would allow.

Dd1 is 8, she is a little over average height, slim, medium framed. She absolutely loves food. Like most kids, she loves sweets, chocolate, cakes etc. She would eat them most days, given the choice. She likes healthy food too. We take an 'everything in moderation' approach to food, however, dd1 regularly ends up asking for more once she has eaten her portion. Tonight, I made an admittedly crap tea of sausage, potato smiles and salad. (Dd2 is poorly - I made something I hoped would entice her to eat - didn't work.) Dd1 had 5 potato smiles, two sausages, tomato, cucumber, peppers and a bread roll. Dd2 didn't eat hers and so dd1 asked if she could finish it (after finishing her own). I said 'no, its not healthy to eat a double portion' and took it away. She has since had some yoghurt. DH thinks im unreasonable and will give her a complex. I think im trying to teach her portion control. However, Im a recovered bulimic - my issues with food, and desperation to shield my girls from ever having those issues, cloud my judgement. So AIBU to say no? Is my approach to teaching dd1 healthy portions just going to set her on a path of restricting? DH is no help - he eats a lot of crap, is happily a couple of stone over weight and is totally relaxed about everything. Thanks.

OP ive found this a few days later but I'm shocked at the responses. No wonder there's an obesity crisis.

My younger brother had a (girl) best friend when they were about your dd's age. She was super tall, but also solid, not slim, but not chubby. She ate like nothing Ive ever seen, and I can really eat anyway your OP reminded me of when she came round for tea one day. Mum put on a big spread of mostly junk (as a treat). Chicken dippers, beige food, that kind of thing. She helped herself to the buffet style and just kept going. Then when my sister couldn't finish what she'd put on her plate, this girl straight away said 'ill have it!' and just reached over and grabbed it.

The girl was not hungry. She just had a Labrador complex. Sadly now in adulthood she has food issues and is overweight.

There has to be a balance. Wanting more food doesn't always mean you're hungry. Although it can, sometimes just knowing it's there makes you want to eat it. I know many people like this. They finish the pack of biscuits just because they're there. They pile their plate at the buffet and don't stop when they're full, just finish the plate and go up for more.

@ Sparklfairy then I suspect she had a mother like the OP. I did. My mother was a not particularly recovered anorexic, and would refuse seconds even when I was really hungry after being very active, she’d give treats to my brother but not to me because it ‘wasn’t healthy and I’d get fat’. As a consequence, whenever I had unrestricted access to food I would gorge myself frantically and now, unsurprisingly, struggle with my weight as an adult.

FenellaMaxwell neither you or I can make that assumption as I didn't know the woman.

What I can say is from a toddler my brother had a not so different approach. Although at normal mealtimes he'd eat his food and never ask for seconds. But we still laugh now that at buffets at parties he would just eat and eat like a bottomless pit. He just couldn't stop. He'd regularly make himself sick from overdoing it. If he had a stomach bug for a few days, he'd count how many meals he'd missed so he could 'make up for it'. We always had snacks and treats and my mum never rationed. None of us have ever had eating disorders or weight problems. If you gave a kid the option of unlimited sweets, would they stop when they were full? Unlimited tablet/Xbox/whatever? It could be she's still hungry, but maybe isn't.

How are you teaching her portion control if you are controlling her portions?

Thanks for both the messages above. A Labrador complex - never heard of that before but it sound just like my dd! Im mindful that she doesn't stop when shes full and will eat a whole packet of biscuits if I let her - which is why I said no. Generally she has much better meals though with healthier foods in. I can find a balance between being too controlling and teaching her to stop when full. Some of the advice on here has been really helpful. Last night we had homemade veggie pasta bake, salad and garlic bread (disclaimer - dd did a project at school on the environment and wanted to try meat free Mondays. I don't eat meat anyway, so agreed - the lack of meat is not me restricting). Anyway, before she finished hers, her sister declared she was finished and wouldn't eat another bite. Dd1 immediately asked if she could have dd2s uneaten garlic bread. This time, I said 'why don't you wait and see if you are still hungry for it in a few minutes?' She finished eating (but didn't clear her plate) and decided she didn't want it after all. I feel like this was handled better than just saying no, and hopefully is a healthier way of teaching her not to eat for the sake of it and to listen to her body. Thank you to the pp who suggested this.

I said 'no, its not healthy to eat a double portion'
I think it's the word 'portion' that sounds out of place OP. I do think there's a place for saying No and I do think some children are greedy, just like some adults, never 'full'
My GS eats like a sparrow but is constantly talking about what's healthy, what's not, it's not coming from DD and I know it's a regular topic at school. I think we all need to stop putting so much emphasis on food. It seems so constant on MN and imo totally unnecessary. I don't think I heard about nutrition until I was an adult and all of us in my family are slim and healthy. My children just ate the food we had, there was always plenty more but I cant recall them asking for more. We never had puddings, they didn't like them and none of us developed a taste for sugar. I know I couldn't deny a child another dinner if they said they were still hungry though

Sparklfairy, how can you learn to stop eating when you are full, when you are never allowed to actually eat enough to be full?

Anecdotes are all nice and we'll but just Anecdotes.

I have an anecdote too: I always had seconds as a child, also two dinners sometimes (at a friend's house, then my own). Never been fat. Fast metabolism. It exists. imo it is miserable if a parent does not allow a child to eat enough of the main meal.

Restrict the Haribo and the soft drinks, yes, I am all for that. It does not fill you up and rots your teeth. But dinner? Just eat it.

Sorry OP, We cross posted. Sounds like a positive outcome last night

That's great op. That's my approach.
I'm amazed by a lot of responses on here saying they don't keep an eye on their children's food intake. Of course children are going to eat any leftover food, very rarely is it genuine hunger (as op has now proven).
This is why we have a childhood obesity crisis.

We don't do second helpings as a family either. We batch cook so extra portions are frozen for future meals. If people are hungry after a meal (rare tbh) we discuss the components of the meal and tweak it to make the satiety more effective. Chocolates are available after meals but since you should only be eating 30g of added sugar a day there is not much room for binging. My D.C. knows the NHS guidelines and agree with them. When my D.C. was small they went through a phase of announcing they were hungry if bored. I knew this because the offer of food like apple was refused, they were after biscuits.

For me, what @Lougle suggested works. As an adult, I prefer (in my own home) to give myself a small first serving. A lot of food on my plate looks overwhelming, even if I'm hungry, and also I don't like my food very hot and my husband does. This way, it gets cooler sooner and then I serve myself more. Sometimes I have three servings at a time, yet they amount to one "normal" serving.
I do not have hangups about food, though I am overweight.

My kid is allowed as much dinner as she wants, but she's always been a nibbler and a snacker, not one to eat a lot in one sitting. The trick was to make her realize that she's hungry before she gets "hangry" and have her have a snack.

My DC aren’t skinny either, not overweight in the slightest but they’re the tallest in the class and not built like runner beans. They need a lot of food, especially after school, academia can be exhausting. The dinner you made wouldn’t fill many children. One sausage I’m assuming, a handful of potato smiles and a bit of salad isn’t enough food.

Portion control is about letting your appetite dictate your portion. This will change based on growth, exercises levels etc.

@Whatsername7 your approach mentioned in your most recent update sounds great. A perfect example of not denying her if the hunger is real, but giving her the opportunity to actually listen to her body and realise that in this case, she didn't need the extra. Well done.

If she isn't overweight and if she's eating healthy food?

YABVU.
and no, seconds aren't unhealthy. Some people simply need more food.

Give her a massive helping of veg and a little bit of the other items. But denying her a second helping if she's of an average weight (and if it isn't a treat) is really unreasonable imo.

Going without food when she's hungry? That's absolutely teaching her unhealthy habits.

This time, I said 'why don't you wait and see if you are still hungry for it in a few minutes?' She finished eating (but didn't clear her plate) and decided she didn't want it after all. I feel like this was handled better than just saying no, and hopefully is a healthier way of teaching her not to eat for the sake of it and to listen to her body. Thank you to the pp who suggested this.

Sounds like a great approach imo. :)

If a kid is healthy and a healthy weight then they need to be able to listen to their own body and appetite. I woudln't let my child eat too much of salty or sweet or unhealthy foods, but if it's another dinner that's reasonably balanced, then fire away.

Sometimes kids are having growth spurts, too, and need more than other times. My kids' appetites vary quite a lot depending on various factors.