To not allow 'seconds'...

[Whatsername7]

...I mean on a daily basis, not a second helping of a special meal or treat which I would allow.

Dd1 is 8, she is a little over average height, slim, medium framed. She absolutely loves food. Like most kids, she loves sweets, chocolate, cakes etc. She would eat them most days, given the choice. She likes healthy food too. We take an 'everything in moderation' approach to food, however, dd1 regularly ends up asking for more once she has eaten her portion. Tonight, I made an admittedly crap tea of sausage, potato smiles and salad. (Dd2 is poorly - I made something I hoped would entice her to eat - didn't work.) Dd1 had 5 potato smiles, two sausages, tomato, cucumber, peppers and a bread roll. Dd2 didn't eat hers and so dd1 asked if she could finish it (after finishing her own). I said 'no, its not healthy to eat a double portion' and took it away. She has since had some yoghurt. DH thinks im unreasonable and will give her a complex. I think im trying to teach her portion control. However, Im a recovered bulimic - my issues with food, and desperation to shield my girls from ever having those issues, cloud my judgement. So AIBU to say no? Is my approach to teaching dd1 healthy portions just going to set her on a path of restricting? DH is no help - he eats a lot of crap, is happily a couple of stone over weight and is totally relaxed about everything. Thanks.

nope you being ur.you teaching her to monitor her hunger and stick to portion control. in intself portioning is great.but you have to be intuitive with your eating and this means sometimes your going to want more.
bu putting a one portion rule your not letting her listen to her body.
if she was allowed more she then gets to stop and leanr when she needs to.this wont make her binge.it will if you never teach her what seconds and then stopping means.
if she was constantly over eating and your post was how she was putting on too much weight and eating too much then it would be different.but intead you ARE in slightly lesser terms restricting her.she wont learn this way.

She just saw the food was there and likes potato smiles.

Perhaps @AbsentmindedWoman has a point about viewing eating and weight through a slightly disordered lens - is it a bad thing to eat food when you're not truly hungry, just because it's a food you enjoy? I'm slim and healthy and I do this quite regularly.

Sometimes I'm at a restaurant or a dinner party and I'm feeling pretty stuffed when I still have 1/4 of my food left to eat, I eat it anyway because it's delicious. Sometimes I manage a dessert afterwards too. Or sometimes I have finished my lunch at home and I'm not that hungry, but I see there are some crisps in the bowl or a pack of gingerbread biscuits on the counter, and I eat some more then too.

Some people with a particular attitude towards food would choose not to do those things, and would encourage their children not to do those things too. But unless you're consistently overeating and struggling with maintaining a healthy weight, there's nothing wrong with those indulgences.

intuitive eating is about sometimes just wanting food.there is nothing wrong with seeing chocolate and wanting it.or it being your favorite potato smiles for tea so taking up the opportunity to have more.eating doesnt awlasy have to be hunger orientated as long as this part is in moderation.
when you pick a christmas choc or mince pie you aren't always hungry,but as long as you are keeping within limits its ok.it will balance out this way becasue at some point you will eat less.

PurpleTreeFrog perfect way of viewing food.
it means food isnt an issue because it just isnt an issue!

is it a bad thing to eat food when you're not truly hungry, just because it's a food you enjoy? I'm slim and healthy and I do this quite regularly.

I’m exactly the same. I don’t think eating something because it’s nice every now and again is a problem. Popcorn at the cinema, more naan bread than strictly needed etc.

From experience here- my mother was always hyperaware of my weight and very conscious of what I ate.

She also constantly discouraged seconds, and would often say "no you've had enough". It gave me an association that eating little got me approval. I was still hungry though so I ate in secret.

I still find it difficult to eat publicly without thinking people are watching what I eat and thinking I'm eating way too much.

Also when you eat secretly it tends to be crap. chips from the chip shop etc.

What made it worse was my sister was taller and thin, (I wasn't fat, just sporty and muscular) and was allowed seconds, pudding etc, in fact encouraged to eat bigger portions.

I have quite a lot of food issues.

Of shes always asking for seconds it sounds like your portion sizes are too small.

She just saw the food was there and likes potato smiles.

I mean this kindly Op, but you're kidding yourself by saying this. You admit she regularly asks for seconds, it can't always be just because she likes the food.

It really does sound like she's hungry. Perhaps you could try serving dishes of vegetables / sides on the table and let her choose how much of these she would like.

At that age DS was having
-Cereal for breakfast

• a big thermos of pasta, fruit and salad with a portion of protein at lunch time
• dinner at the after school club
• full proper dinner at home (protein, carbs and plenty of vegs)
• a bowl of cereal about 9

He was eating easily twice as me, yet he was and continues to be, 10 years later, a slim guy.

You are under feeding her and creating an eating disorder.

I find most of the responses to this post depressing. The child had plenty to eat and it was mainly junk food, which is highly addictive, so her desire for more, while understandable, is probably not reasonable.

The OP specifically provided the sort of meal that would entice any child, especially a reluctant, poorly child to eat (absolutely no harm in that, but she quite rightly minimally restricted the other, healthy child’s access to this to the meal: the child got to eat one child’s portion, not two!)

OP, you are doing a great job with your kids, and the very good evidence is that your daughter is open with you: she tells you that she isn’t hungry, but she feels “snacky” - and haven’t we all felt like that? If you have taught your child to be able to tell the difference, that’s a great gift, and well done! As she grows she can learn to decide when to indulge the snacky feeling (of course we all should sometimes, but we should know that it isn’t hunger, and limit our indulgence.)

Your attitude is absolutely not unreasonable at all and your healthy daughter is very good evidence. Don’t change.

Bluebluezoo - that is a pov I hadn't previously considered and something I will be more mindful of - a couple of other posters have made that point and it is helpful - thanks. There are other things I have already said I need to adjust based on some really helpful advice - im thankful to those who have shared - both people who have agreed with me and people who have advised better ways of doing things. In terms of eating just because she fancies it rather than because she is hungry; dd1, like most kids, regularly has opportunity to do this. Whether its an ice cream on a hot day or chocolate and popcorn with a movie like we will have on Friday. However, I do think its ok for that to be in moderation rather than all of the time. As she wasn't hungry before bed, I feel more confident that tonights crappy tea was adequate, she didn't need seconds and im getting the slow cooker out tonight to do a proper dinner for tomorrow.

BiggestJulie - thank you

there is no such thing as bloody junk ood.deff not sausages and smiles.they are a food.different in make up to veggies yes but a good food all the same
and this type of JUNK FOOD IS NOT ADDICTIVE! the thoughts and emotions behind them and when peopel tend to have them is.they are not bloody addictive foods.they make you feel good yes,and if you have emotional problems you then associate things with this yes.but if you eat them and are allowed to eat them when you want and even whwen you are NOT hungry and for pleasure then you will be fine

I think it's more important to teach children to regulate their own appetite and eat appropriately. We do lots of food on the table, serve yourself type thing so my DD (4) can choose how much she would like of each thing in relation to her appetite that day.

Obviously in practice I would restrict certain foods, e.g. I wouldn't on a daily basis let her help herself to a plate of cakes and sweets, but main meals I always try to provide a healthy balanced meal and she chooses how much of it she wants to eat.

She always has unrestricted access to the fruit bowl.

It sounds as though your daughter is having a growth spurt. I’d certainly let her have a bit more to eat or maybe let her have a healthy snack when she gets home.
I’d possibly suggest that smiley faces wouldn’t be a great option, certainly not for seconds.

YABU. She is 8. She is growing. Some days children will eat double of what they would have before, as long as she's the right weight and the food is healthy enough (eg: not cake) then let her eat.

Apologies i haven't rtft but my 2 year old eats 3 sausages, 3 waffles *big ones, beans and veg easily for lunch, then a good dinner with fruit and yoghurt. He is slim but growing! I would never restrict him at meal times, he stops eating when full and eats just as much if he has fish veg and rice. Kids have less hang ups and other than the obvious would eat 10 cakes if given the chance tend to regulate their meals well themselves.

Sorry you had a hard time, I've experienced that in the family and consequently had my parents not like that I was skinny as the worried I was going the same way. Projecting is an issue that can be very harmful so be mindful and try not to, she's 8!

I agree with posters saying don’t make her feel bad for feeling hungry etc. but two things leap out to me:
I wouldn’t give her seconds as such ie more nutritionally poor food. So if she was still hungry I wouldn’t have given more potato smiles and sausages but offered more veg or salad or maybe cheese and crackers.
She needs to learn the difference between true hunger and boredom, habit etc.

You don’t need to teach her portion control.
If she doesn’t have an emotional relationship to food the she is likely to eat when she is hungry and stop when she is not. Granted it is really really really hard to NOT have an emotional relationship to food in this society but a child is probably more in touch with their body and their hunger than we are. They are growing. I find my daughter (4.5) often eats and eats and eats but it is usually followed by a growth spurt that explains it and also by her eating much less. She eats more than me at meals but doesn’t eat the rubbish snacks I do. So if the food is relatively healthy I let her have as much as she wants. I would only change this if she seemed emotional or compulsive about it or was overweight.

I too would never ask advice on feeding children on MN.
For example, on here if your kids come home after having eaten a meal elsewhere you’re encouraged to whip up a hearty Lasagne or Shepherds pie for a second dinner if they mention their hungry still.
God forbid anyone dares mention the G word because kids never are greedy or they’re eyes are bigger than their bellies. Oh and if you dare to refuse them a third large bowl of pasta in one sitting, you’re creating an eating disorder.

I feel more confident that tonights crappy tea was adequate, she didn't need seconds

Do you ever allow her to have seconds? In your Op you say she asks a lot, but then you've told her it's not healthy to eat a double portion.

Ybu.

She is growing so portions need to increase as she gets older. Increase her portions. My 10 year and 8 year olds portions are as large as mine and neither are overweight.

How is she eating for the rest of the day? My son is not a morning eater, but from lunch onwards he waste like a trooper and often I have to make him supper.

Only on Mumsnet!! How about if you're still hungry how about some pepper?? Cucumber?? Or Ok you can have a couple. No wonder children are so stressed/overweight/underweight.

Think about it over a week or so - how has her diet been?

Of course I allow seconds sometimes. Usually when weve had a 'make your own plate' kind of dinner but she tends to take a little bit at a time. I would say she will ask for another biscuit everytime she has some biscuits. She will often ask for a second bowl of ice cream or to finish food left by others even if shes not quite finished her own. She is a complete foodie but does have times when she eats too much at once and gets a tummy ache. Thats another reason why I stop her sometimes - if she does over indulge she gets tummy cramps.

I was just listening to a jillian michaels podcast with this exact thing. Basically she does no second serving. But, if they are still hungry after ten minutes or so and they still ask after distracting them, then 5 more bites are allowed.
Its about teaching them hunger vs boredom eating and knowing the feeling of "full" as opposed to, "tastes good must eat more"