To not allow 'seconds'...

[Whatsername7]

...I mean on a daily basis, not a second helping of a special meal or treat which I would allow.

Dd1 is 8, she is a little over average height, slim, medium framed. She absolutely loves food. Like most kids, she loves sweets, chocolate, cakes etc. She would eat them most days, given the choice. She likes healthy food too. We take an 'everything in moderation' approach to food, however, dd1 regularly ends up asking for more once she has eaten her portion. Tonight, I made an admittedly crap tea of sausage, potato smiles and salad. (Dd2 is poorly - I made something I hoped would entice her to eat - didn't work.) Dd1 had 5 potato smiles, two sausages, tomato, cucumber, peppers and a bread roll. Dd2 didn't eat hers and so dd1 asked if she could finish it (after finishing her own). I said 'no, its not healthy to eat a double portion' and took it away. She has since had some yoghurt. DH thinks im unreasonable and will give her a complex. I think im trying to teach her portion control. However, Im a recovered bulimic - my issues with food, and desperation to shield my girls from ever having those issues, cloud my judgement. So AIBU to say no? Is my approach to teaching dd1 healthy portions just going to set her on a path of restricting? DH is no help - he eats a lot of crap, is happily a couple of stone over weight and is totally relaxed about everything. Thanks.

Thank you for all of the helpful comments above. I appreciate it and take on board the suggestions.

You say you are not worried about your children getting 'fat'. But you're at pains to describe your DH as being overweight - to me this suggests you are actually highly focused on weight and 'fatness'.

I think the responses to the OP are a bit harsh to be honest. We are in the middle of a childhood obesity crisis. Absolutely right not to give kids complexes or limit healthy food if they’re genuinely hungry. But the OP has updated to say her daughter can eat for the sake of it etc. OP I have a 10 yr old daughter. She is very much a boredom eater. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no to extra unhealthy food. As long as you allow them something healthy. So for eg, my daughter might have had dinner, fruit and a small dessert. Two hours later she might be ‘hungry’ but if she won’t eat say, crackers and cheese or fruit, she wants crisps or biscuits, that’s a no. If she genuinely is hungry she’ll eat the healthier option.

I also found stopping buying all the little extras made a difference. So she used to love those mini pepparami things. Total crap. I’d buy them and she’d eat like 4 as a snack. Stopped buying them and she hasn’t missed them- she just liked the taste and was bored.

The other trap I fell into was thinking the amount of sport she did cancelled out all the extra eating. She was doing a huge amount of high level sport a week (I’m talking 5 days a week training for several hours at a time). It didn’t. She has never been overweight but she also can’t eat exactly what she wants. She now does less hours in her sport and she has actually regulated her food intake accordingly. Good luck.

I don't think we should focus on the details here , my main concern is an ex bulimia mum deciding what she thinks is too much (not actually confirmed by any specialist or anything) and what she thinks is a healthy eating habit. It's not likely to be possible, past experience will skew that attitude in 99% of cases. Fwiw I think the dinner sounds too small for the child described.

I agree that the DH should take the lead on diet control / nutrition for these children, or at least the op should run her ideas past someone qualified e.g. a gp if concerns about child's weight, health visitor, ask for a dietician referral or something! Not just guess on her gut.

There were no 'pains' taken. DH likes food. He eats what he wants, when he wants. He is overweight, happy and body confident. This is a good thing. However, his attitude to food with the dc would be to let them eat what they want, when they want it. In my op, I was just pointing out that we are opposite sides of the same coin.

The thing is, because you have a history of disordered eating, you are more concerned about her being thin than about her health or her appetite. It's not your fault - a) you have been ill and b) you are less able to resist the bullshit idea that it is a moral obligation on women to be thin and attractive rather than healthy and with a healthy attitude towards food.

No, no. If she's hungry, feed her. Watch the quality of what they eat, not the quantity.

If it’s asking for meal seconds I’d probably allow it, seconds on snacks/treat foods is a definite no from me.

I had a monster appetite as a child and teenager but I’d also push my luck on snacks if I thought I’d get away with it, my Grans approach (was raised by my Grandparents) was to allow as much of a proper meal as I could eat, but remain strict with crisps/chocolate etc.

She’d usually have a batch of stew, soups etc. on the go in the colder months for us to help ourselves to as and when and if we started playing the “I’m hungry” card just because we fancied some biscuits or chocolate we’d get a stoney gaze and directed to the stew/soup if we were that hungry 😊

There is no way that meal is on the small side - and with a bread roll, and yoghurt- its enough.well done op.

My DS7 is like that. He's very active. He gets a meal and a dessert which might be a small cake, biscuit, yogurt etc. If he wants a snack after that it's fruit and then that's it. Honestly he asks and asks though (and wants his brothers if he doesn't finish it, which he doesn't if he's left loads).

I'm reading this wondering if I'm underfeeding my DCs. They usually have 1-1.5 sausages each with a Scoop of mash, then two types of veg. Breakfast is a bowl of porridge. 8yo takes a packed lunch of a cheese and cucumber wrap, a small jelly, and fruit. Small snack after school. Fruit and yoghurt if hungry.

Parents do need to teach portion control- it's easy to overeat the foods we like.

Im NOT concerned about her being thin - at no point have I said that! Im concerned that she develops a healthy relationship with food, doesn't use it as a crutch or a way of punishing herself. I've repeatedly said that. Also, repeatedly accepted im going the wrong way about it and have said im going to change it up. If I was concerned about her being thin, surely I'd just argue I was right and refuse to change a thing?

If she ate her sisters then thats 4 sausages! WAY too much - plus extra potato crappo's. no, you were right op.
I tell mine to allow time to let their tummy tell their brain its full - come back in 30 mins if you're still hungry - they rarely come back, if they do, its fruit.

Oh, and 'obesity crisis' my arse. It's made up bullshit, pushed by a) companies who want to push horribly unhealthy diets and diet foods and b) a government keen to blame poor people, in particular, for their health issues as an excuse to cut NHS funding. BMI is absolute nonsense, and the mass-media image of appropriate body size, particularly for women, is not attainable for many (because genetics) and attempting to turn yourself into a stick with tits on is far worse for your health than being a bit chubby.

Btw, Ive just asked her if she is hungry, she said no 'just a bit snacky'. When I asked her what that meant she said 'im not hungry but you are offering some of the popcorn in the cupboard I'll eat it!' Popcorn is for movie night on Friday (her dad is out and she is staying up late as a treat). Anyway, she had had a banana. Clearly, she isn't hungry.

You say Shes slim and healthy, but she is taller and more medium sized (in terms of her frame) than some of her peers.

I'm a bit perplexed by what you're saying here. Tall is not a bad thing and if she has grown, she needs the calories to support that. She's only 8.

Good job
When you serve more filling meals hopefully the desire for snacking will be reduced.

My mum used to give me small portions and get funny if I wanted seconds. She wasn't weight or health conscious just had a naturally small appetite herself so couldn't understand how I could possible still be hungry after what she had served. I started secret eating when I was a teen and became very anxious around mealtimes because I was always worried I wouldn't get enough. It caused me to overeat & binge in secret.

Well done for asking for advice. It shows you're thoughtful in your approach. If mine ask for seconds they get seconds of the veg first. Still hungry? Seconds of the carb? Still hungry? Seconds of the meat. Otherwise my 7 year old would eat six sausages. Even with the above plan he ate 3 tonight plus a huge portion of rice plus double veg of brocolli and beans. He does loads of sports though and is skinny. Participating in sports isn't optional for us but they are welcome to try/add/drop what they like.

My 3 year old will eat 2 sausages and 4 potato faces and half a plate of broccoli/veg!

Sounds like a tiny portion, no wonder she's starving! She's obviously hungry or she wouldn't ask for more. The asking for more biscuits sometimes is irrelevant as you were denying her more dinner, not biscuits. The fact it was an 'unhealthy' dinner (and you saying you might have felt better giving her seconds if it was a healthier one) is your fault, not hers. Also shocked that a poster up thread said you know best about if she's had enough.. only she knows if she's hungry or not! Your options here are not 1) let her eat anything she wants all day every day no matter how crap it is or 2) restrict her eating to the tiny portion you think is right. There is an in-between, that's what most of us do.

If mine are hungry I let them eat. I would never tell them no, they are all ideal weights and very active. Surely its better them having extra portion of their meal than having an unhealthy pudding or wanting biscuits later. If your child is a healthy weight then I think you should feed their appetite!

I'd personally let a child have seconds (and I'm slim and healthy).

The average person IS overweight so yes obesity crisis.

There's lots out there about people not having reasonable portion control, increase of fats and sugars and salt in food etc. BMI isn't perfect but for most people it's fairly reasonable.

That said, the OP's approach is out and she's been good at takinf feedback on board

i would have said no too, it’s more than enough food, I would have insisted on a big drink, then if still hungry fruit.

My DD is the skinniest child in her class, she’s on the 45 centile. ( not that light)
I think parents have just forgotten how slim children should be. It’s why there’s an obesity crisis.