To not allow 'seconds'...

[Whatsername7]

...I mean on a daily basis, not a second helping of a special meal or treat which I would allow.

Dd1 is 8, she is a little over average height, slim, medium framed. She absolutely loves food. Like most kids, she loves sweets, chocolate, cakes etc. She would eat them most days, given the choice. She likes healthy food too. We take an 'everything in moderation' approach to food, however, dd1 regularly ends up asking for more once she has eaten her portion. Tonight, I made an admittedly crap tea of sausage, potato smiles and salad. (Dd2 is poorly - I made something I hoped would entice her to eat - didn't work.) Dd1 had 5 potato smiles, two sausages, tomato, cucumber, peppers and a bread roll. Dd2 didn't eat hers and so dd1 asked if she could finish it (after finishing her own). I said 'no, its not healthy to eat a double portion' and took it away. She has since had some yoghurt. DH thinks im unreasonable and will give her a complex. I think im trying to teach her portion control. However, Im a recovered bulimic - my issues with food, and desperation to shield my girls from ever having those issues, cloud my judgement. So AIBU to say no? Is my approach to teaching dd1 healthy portions just going to set her on a path of restricting? DH is no help - he eats a lot of crap, is happily a couple of stone over weight and is totally relaxed about everything. Thanks.

I think you are underestimating her calorie requirement. An 8 year old needs only slightly fewer calories per day than an adult (NHS guidance here )

If your DD is a slightly taller than average 8 year old, she needs around 1650 calories per day. The supper you describe was probably around 500 (depending on the size of the sausages & roll). Say another 100 calories for her yoghurt (again depending on size), and she is still 1000 calories short of her daily requirement, so would need to have had a really big breakfast and a decent size lunch to hit her target.

YABU! Not only is that a tiny portion of food, but I agree you’re really going to give her food issues. I make healthy meals and I’d never deny my children more food if they were still hungry. I can’t think of any good that comes from not letting children eat as much food as their body needs (obviously I’m talking about healthy meals and not snacks or junk food). If you’re so worried can you not ensure you’ve made really healthy meals so if they want more it’s only going to do them good? That’s what I do as my DC ha a huge appetite. Sorry OP but I really agree with your DH and worry that you’re going to pass on your food issues to your kids - I can’t think of ANY good that will come from denying them food in this way, and I think it’s also really wasteful to not let her eat the food her sister won’t eat anyway.

Cold weather makes me hungrier. Does a drop in temperature not make us burn more calories?

Her dinner was more than 350 calories. The bread roll was 200. It was nearer 550. I accept I need to make some changes, and I will, but there is no need for exaggeration.

Deny anyone a second portion? No. Never, ever ever. Unless my child was Very overweight and had a weight problem.

My ds's ear as much as they want! And believe you me they eat me out of house and home!

My 2 year old eats 2 sausages with ease. The dinner sounds tiny

When my dcs were that age, my aim was to teach them to listen to their body and stop when they weren’t hungry anymore instead of me telling them they had enough.
Otherwise who is going to tell them later in how much they should it or how will they know when to stop?

So a recurring question was ‘are you sure you are hungry or are you fancying more of ?’ After a while they got it.
I was much stricter with snacks (limit on how many biscuits they could have but no limit on fruits etc...)
That seems to have worked quite well (both very slim teenagers who just stop when they are full)

What is HSP? Do you mean HSD as in hypermobility spectrum disorder?

I would never have known how many calories are in a bread roll before this thread. Every day's a school day and all that

Portion control is eat healthy food when you are hungry and stop when you're full

In theory I agree with this, but for me feeling full happens when I've eaten twice as many calories as I should have in a meal. (Or, in the case of a pizza, that whole pizza, which will be four times as many as I should.)

Ya know if she enjoys chocolate, why not buy chocolate sauce or spread and thinly layer a banana with it and top of with some grapes or strawberries? The banana will fill her up, she will get her chocolate craving and she will be eating fruit. I do it as a cheap quick pudding for my kids after a Sunday roast

I find my children had ravenous appetites just before a growth spurt. I don't think talking about calories and intakes with young children is ever a good idea, by all means talk about healthy foods but anything that gives rise to children starting to become concerned about eating too much or getting fat is dangerous. Children are still growing and all have different appetites. If a child is asking often for more dinner then they are hungry.

Henoch-Schonlein purpura. Its an auto immune condition that causes painful swellings and bruises. It is self restricting and she is getting better.

My sons are a lot younger (3 and 4) but they do eat at least that much, usually about double that! I know my four year old is a big eater but he doesn't gain weight and will eat a huge supper (literally double my own) then wake up at night because he is hungry... He is starving in the morning.
I would serve an 8 year old a full adult portion if they eat well, and offer seconds, as long as their weight stays steadyish.

I recommend that you get professional help for your own ED because I suspect that it's not fully resolved, you're now restricting your daughter's eating instead of your own.

You can steer her towards healthy eating habits by allowing her unlimited non-starchy veg.

I actually disagree with a lot of the comments about the portion size. That would be plenty for my 10 year old DD.

Kids do go through peaks and troughs of appetite especially with things like growth spurts and leading up to puberty. If she is hungry then another portion is better than snacking on biscuits or sweets later!

I do agree though that the message you need to be giving is to eat healthy foods until you aren't hungry anymore. I have extremely disorder eating mainly caused by my mum always being on a diet and restricting food for herself and talking about dieting a lot but then also not having much money so we had to clear our plates or it would be wasteful.

It's only at 35 that I've finally learned how to read my body's needs. I wish it had been taught to me when I was young!

I was pretty happy for my kids to eat as much as they liked of healthy stuff. I wouldn’t include sausages and smileys in that, but you say it was a one off because your child was poorly. Things like biscuits and cake we had a one piece rule, fruit juice we had a one cup rule. Basically educating them about stuff should be limited.

I think if food is filling their nutritional needs most people feel satisfied and self regulate. But eat crap and you just end up eating more and more. Possibly the smileys and sausages just weren’t hitting the spot nutritionally for her.

I wouldn't have said that was too small of a meal tbh. I remember around that age I would have ate sausages (my favourite food) by the bag load. Not because I was hungry but because I liked them. So I can understand your thinking OP.

That said if she is a healthy weight then seconds every now and again wont hurt and sometimes were just that little bit more hungry, maybe add an extra couple of smiley faces. No seconds of biscuits/crisps etc obviously.

Do you think if your other DC hadn't left some food your DD would have asked for more? Some posters dont believe it but some children can, and do eat for the sake of eating.

No, you are doing the right thing. I always help my kids learn when they have had enough. Now they are older, so they are able to tell for themselves, but when they were younger they would eat and eat and eat if I let them. Especially snacks! If you don't tell them no, then they don't always learnt here is a limit or to stop when full. My niece never gets told no and I am shocked sometimes after she has had a lot of food...she will go get more and more and her parents don't say anything (she is slightly overweight). But I guess it depends on the child. Some dc know when to stop eating. Or not so interested in food. My dc LOVE food and eat a lot...and still want more (compared to their friends) so at some point I do have to tell them that is enough.

Forgot to add I can eat a McDonalds and feel hungry a couple of hours later, so I do agree a meal lacking in nutrition just might not be that filling.

I don't think you're far off, teaching portion control together with some flexibility is good. Gaps between meals and snacks are an important thing too, so 'wait an hour and if you're still hungry we'll get you some toast/fruit' and then distract onto doing something else.

What I would suggest though (and I'll be honest, dh had to have a word with me about this once) don't get caught up in feeling anxious (or judged/ashamed) about your daughter's shape, appetites, sportiness or activity level - she is fine just the way she is and you are feeding her fine. If she is accepted as she is she will much more likely learn those healthy balanced lifestyle bits than if she feels like a disappointment or feels she has to change herself. Medium/big/small - all good, just a normal human range of distribution.

When my two children were youngies,they often had seconds ,it's not a problem if they are active,and not fatties,or over weight. I never had the problem with snacking on junky stuff between meals,as never really bought junk stuff.

She needs more healthy fats and protein. The food is quite bread heavy, toast for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, roll for dinner. She would be better with full fat yoghurt and fruit or eggs for breakfast, a similar lunch to what she already has and then dinner. If I have toast or weetabix for breakfast I am ravenous all day and I end up eating more overall.

I think being hungry, offer healthy foods and if she eats them, that's fine. She is growing and no doubt will want to eat more again as she becomes a teenager. Saying not to eat when you are hungry is not the best message and as she gets older, encourages her to binge food in private, which is exactly what you don't want

@bd67th that is one hell of an assumption. I am fully recovered and have been for over 10 years. There is a huge difference between wanting to teach my dds to make healthy choices (and not to use food for comfort like I did) and deliberately restricting my childs food. For a start, the latter is child abuse. There is no way you can have gathered enough information about me or my children to legitimately make such an assumption. I own the fact that I never want my girls to suffer from an ED like I did, but please do not use that against me - it comes from a loving place because I don't want them to go through what I did, not because im worried they might get 'fat'. I take on board peoples advice about allowing extra of the good stuff if she is still hungry. I agree if the meal hadn't have beem quite so junky I would have felt more comfortable with seconds. I completely understand I need to separate seconds of filling foods with seconds of crap foods. I will aim to be more relaxed and get her to take a bit more ownership in deciding what she eats at dinner. Im a mum who loves her kids, is doing her best and cares enough to ask the question, accept shes got it wrong and change it up - I am not restricting my dd's food intake instead of my own.

Unlike many on MN, I don’t think 8 year old should be allowed to eat as much as they want. Portion control is important. I would say four sausages or ten potato smileys is too much for a child of that age who isn’t underweight.

Once she’d had the yoghurt was she full?

The meal sounds a bit light to me and probably on our house it would have been carrots and peas rather than water-filled veg like cucumber and peppers.