To wish I could be a SAHM

[iwouldbuyyouadress]

There is no way that this will ever happen. Even going part time is not an option.

But ah to not have to be charging around at 5:30 in the morning. To get home in the daylight. To see my child’s teacher. To not have to be cramming everything into the weekends. To attend baby and toddler groups with youngest and have ‘mum friends.’

Won’t happen.

Nice to think about though.

[BeatriceTheBeast]

@G5000

I agree with you, but, thinking of it another way; someone does all the childcare when it's hardest, saving a lot of money and taking a huge hit to their career so that you can progress. They then try to get a job and find there are few to be had which mean you don't need to then pay out for wraparound care as well or at least still make you some money after thise childcare costs, I can see why some families would choose for one person to stay at home until dcs are old enough to look after themselves after school.

I wouldn't go out to work or ask my DH to just because it would annoy me to think of him being at home all day. We would only do it if it really worked and made us some more money.

[Ragwort]

There are so many extremes though aren't there? I was a SAHM (one child) for 22 years, by choice, I had a very comfortable lifestyle, no financial worries, a very supportive DH, lots of interesting & varied voluntary roles and hobbies with plenty of adult company.

But my experience is a million miles from someone with three children under 3, possibly with SN, severe financial worries, a partner who doesn't share the chores, no friends or support etc.

However, whatever your lifestyle, think about your future pension provision.

[Ragwort]

Should have said 12 years not 22!

[Passthecherrycoke]

I managed to progress without a SAHP, I don’t see why these men find it so hard

[BeatriceTheBeast]

@passthecherrycoke

Yes, but presumably your OH worked a job which meant that you didn't lose money when you both went to work. Or at least you could afford to take that hit. Lucky you .

[CallarMorvern]

My Mum always worked and relatives provided my childcare. It was OK as a young child, apart from illnesses where I was always aware that it made it difficult for my Mum. But I actually found coming back to an empty house when I was 11+ really hard, I had issues at school and it would have made so much difference to have come home to a warm house with someone to talk to.
I've never said any of this to my Mum, my parents were skint, working wasn't a choice and I know she felt guilty.
I sort of chose to be a SAHM, and I was fortunate enough to be able to afford it. But I was also a trailing spouse and it was very difficult to hold down a decent job.
I can never understand those people who claim to be bored? Yes, it can be tedious when the kids are very young, but there is so much to do in life!

The only thing I would say, is that it's a good idea to keep a hand in employment. Maybe a couple of days or self employment. I'm 50 now, we don't have the income we used to have and it's hard to get back into the workplace once you've been out of it for a long while.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Well neither of those things are true Beatrice. The situation has changed over the years before school but we have at times had to take on debt, and I also supported him through starting a business. It’s been very hard.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Besides which your comment was about men being able to profess because their wife stays at home. My point is you can progress without. They’re just taking the easy option

[Dongdingdong]

I do think that being a SAHM is much, much easier than working full time and being a parent. If you work full time then you have to cram in all the other stuff - shopping, family admin, cleaning and so on - around your job and spending time with your kids. It would be an absolute luxury to have more hours in the day to do those things - I envy those who can afford to do so.

[BeatriceTheBeast]

Sorry, I'm sure you don't want to out yourself @Passthecherrycoke, but can you clarify what you mean as I don't understand? You've managed to progress in your career without needing a SAHP and you can't understand why all these men might need one, but at the same time your situation has changed over the years and you were AT TIMES in debt, but not now, but it isn't true to say you could afford to take the financial hit of both of you working and therefore forking out for childcare?

Sorry, I don't follow. Am I being thick? Possibly!

Did you get into debt to pay for childcare? Is that what you mean? But did you do this knowing there was a real possibility you wouldn't be able to pay it back? Because that is risky and again, lucky you that it paid off in your case. Can you accept that not everyone would be so lucky and actually it would make more sense for one partner to SAH?

[Passthecherrycoke]

The only thing I would say ding is I feel that as a sAHM on maternity leave I gained actual time but lost quality time with my children. When we both worked it really was quality time when we were together
As a poster above said there is also the expensive activities you like to do with them which often have to be curtailed when only 1 of you works

[Passthecherrycoke]

Sorry I don’t understand your post at all Beatrice, seems like we don’t understand each other

I didn’t need a SAHP to progress my career. It has progressed with both of us working.

I haven’t been able to afford the “hit” of a low earning partner- we have at time bridged the gap by using debt (still in debt by the way, I’m talking personal loans etc)

Of course I knew I could pay it back- I wouldn’t have taken it out otherwise. Not really sure why that’s relevant.



Don’t know if that clears it up...

[BeatriceTheBeast]

@Dongdingdong

Well then, I suppose your dcs looked after themselves while you worked? There is a reason it costs an arm and a leg for childcare. It's not because children have an off switch for when you go to work.

@Passthecherrycoke

Yes, my comment was that men get to progress at work at the expense of their wives on occasion, because they cannot afford to pay childcare costs. If I dropped dead right now, my DH would have a huge childcare bill or he would have to cut down his hours. For some men, the former is not affordable so they will do the latter, therefore not being able to progress in their career as well as they otherwise would. Hope that clarifies what I meant . I certainly have minimal sympathy for poor menz in the system we inhabit.

[Dongdingdong]

The only thing I would say ding is I feel that as a sAHM on maternity leave I gained actual time but lost quality time with my children. When we both worked it really was quality time when we were together

When you were working, when did you fit in all the other stuff though - cleaning, cooking, admin etc? Once you've done a full day's work and sorted all that out, there's very little time left in the day. At least as a SAHM you get a significant amount of your time back just due to the fact that you're not working in an office all day. Apologies if you've already discussed this - I haven't RTFT.

[tempnamechange98765]

YANBU.

It's absolutely not for me, but I can see it from both sides, especially those whose choice is to either be a SAHM or work full time, long hours, commute etc.

I went back to work 4 days when DC1 was 10 months, and am currently on maternity leave. I definitely couldn't be a SAHM, this year has been challenging with a baby and preschooler! If one child was in full time school it would be different. In an ideal world I would work 3 days, but I often do one from home so it's only 3 days in the office. Flexi time too. I'm lucky.

[BeatriceTheBeast]

I didn’t need a SAHP to progress my career. It has progressed with both of us working.

I haven’t been able to afford the “hit” of a low earning partner- we have at time bridged the gap by using debt (still in debt by the way, I’m talking personal loans etc)

But for some families, the hit is more for the partner to return to work as the pay would be so low it wouldn't cover childcare. So for some working parents it is essential that someone looks after their children without charging what they do where we live. For lots of families this means one parent stays at home.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Ding- it was really hard to fit it all in and much harder than being a sAHM.
But what I found was we just flogged ourselves all week then spent the weekend doing lovely things- meals out, activities, days out as a family. It felt much more quality time than having all day with them but just constantly making them meals, cleaning up after them etc. If that makes sense?

I see what you mean now Beatrice- however i would say they haven’t progressed much if they can’t afford childcare, so maybe there is a fundamental difference in what that looks like for different families
But I agree, every man I know divorced with young children has replaced their wives with cleaners and ay pairs which is a bit of a kicker.

[Dongdingdong]

Well then, I suppose your dcs looked after themselves while you worked? There is a reason it costs an arm and a leg for childcare. It's not because children have an off switch for when you go to work.

Eh? I know that childcare costs an arm and a leg, but what's that got to do with my previous post?

[Dongdingdong]

@Passthecherrycoke I get what you mean, but I still hugely envy SAHMs personally!

[TheOrigFV45]

I think I am very fortunate.

I work full time from home (editor for a scientific journal).
I have no commute, I can work flexibly, I can do small household jobs in my breaks (all computer-based so I have an app which locks my computer down for 5 mins in every hour). It's amazing what you can do in 5 mins (bung a load of washing in, or hang it out, chop veggies, open the post, write a list). I get to go to some of the school events.
I can do my sport in the time I'm not commuting.

I am a single parent - one son at uni, the other at primary school.

What I'm saying is that it is possible to find a middle ground.

[BeatriceTheBeast]

That didn't make much sense either . I'll try again.

The financial hit for some families would be worse if both parents worked. In those circumstances, it makes sense for one parent to SAH until children can look after themselves or until the SAHP can skill up to get a higher paying job.

If you read back through my posts @Passthecherrycoke, you will see my parents are dead / overseas (one of each obvs), we have no help with childcare from DH's family and childcare costs where we live are circa 16k for one child. The last job I was offered last year paid circa £17k. After tax and wraparound care for the reception age child, my salary would be gone and then some. We cannot afford to take that hit, so if I was not here being a SAHM, my DH would have to reduce his hours to help cover childcare, so he would be less likely to progress in his career.

If I hadn't been made redundant while on mat leave things might be different.

I know in some ways I am lucky, but what I cannot stand is snide people making sneery comments about how little value I have because I have to SAH. All this, why don't you do as I did? S'easy peasy. Do you honestly think, I'd be sitting at home with no income of my own, letting my degree certificate rot in a drawer if there wasn't some significant benefit for my family? Well, no I wouldn't.

[BeatriceTheBeast]

@Dongdingdong

Because you just said you did everything a SAHM does in less time. But you don't. You don't do childcare for a significant portion of the day. You pay someone else to do that.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Didn’t you earn more than that before you had children? £17k is awfully low.

[G5000]

I can see why some families would choose for one person to stay at home until dcs are old enough to look after themselves after school.

Beatrice, not quite what I was saying. Yes, of course it's easier for the working parent if the oher parent is at home, taking care of children and household. But on any SAHM thread, including this one, you have people describing how they spend their SAHM days doing 'whatever the fuck they want', hobbies, crafts and meeting friends. Not boring cleaning and laundry and other chores, as they are not a skivvy, and of course the working parent should still do half of everything.

So as I said, if it would make sense for DH to stay at home even when kids were in school - I would feel he's not doing his fair share if he considered this one long holiday and I came home to a situation like Pass describes.

[BeatriceTheBeast]

Yes, I was made redundant in an industry which went south after I took mat leave. Coincidence? I think not .

Getting back into a similar role elsewhere is now extremely competitive and salaries are lower.