To wish I could be a SAHM

[iwouldbuyyouadress]

There is no way that this will ever happen. Even going part time is not an option.

But ah to not have to be charging around at 5:30 in the morning. To get home in the daylight. To see my child’s teacher. To not have to be cramming everything into the weekends. To attend baby and toddler groups with youngest and have ‘mum friends.’

Won’t happen.

Nice to think about though.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

This is an interesting discussion. A couple more thoughts I have:

1. How you feel about being at home with kids full time partially depends on how you yourself were raised and spent your working life pre-kids. I've often tried to analyse why I felt so desperately miserable as SAHP past 12 months. I think a big part of it was that my whole life, from private school to university to career, was so focused on personal achievement - measured in money and job titles but also subtler things like self-esteem and respect, financial independence. It cut me to the core that I no longer had those things, that people would ask me what my DH did as though my own career was history/ pointless. My pride was severely on the floor. I LOATHED my DH transferring me money every month even though he was adamant it was our money. I stopped buying myself clothes etc because it felt like a waste of 'our' money. And yet, of course, in some ways raising my DS is the most personally valuable thing I'll ever do. But I couldn't rewire my resentment that my DH got to be a parent AND earn his own money and progress his career, and I didn't (at the time). If we had both been able to work part time, that would have seemed fair. So I am mainly cross at the patriarchy!!

1. Having domestic help makes all the difference to being a WOHP. I'm lucky enough to live abroad so I have a full time housekeeper who does all the cleaning, laundry, and looks after my DS for 2-3 hours each afternoon so he doesn't do a full day in nursery. If DH and I were both trying to work full time and get all the home stuff done too we would probably argue a lot more.

In the end, no two people make their choices for the same reasons.

[WhatsInAName19]

wouldn’t you prefer to work part time and share some of the earning load with your husband?

This is a judgement I'm finding myself constantly faced with at the moment. And it's always worded in a way that makes it clear that DH is the hardworking one shouldering the "load" whilst I take advantage and don't contribute I.e. I'm not "sharing the load".

DD has just started pre-school a few days a week and lots of people are saying this. And the answer is 'yes!' Yes I would bloody love to find a job that allows me to work between 10am and 3pm, 3 days a week. That doesn't require any flexibility. That is term time only. Can you guess how many such jobs are available in my local area?

Once DD is at school five days a week and I have more availability I will be in a better position to negotiate a working pattern with my previous employer in my professional role, but it's not a given, and for many (most) women that kind of flexible working arrangement is just not available to them at all.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

@matcatwomanheresheis That's a good summary. Identification and motivation definitely big issues for me!

I'd add the point about how much domestic help you have.

[MustardScreams]

@WhatsInAName19 the poster I was talking about child goes to school full time. And her husband is working overtime so they can afford Christmas. I don’t think that’s right.

Your situation isn’t the same and you shouldn’t be judged.

[RoseHippy1]

I have 2u2 and am on mat leave so looking after both at home alone during day. I have

No downtime
No opportunity to do housework of any kind during the day
No time when they are both asleep
A house where most rooms are trashed thoroughly by the end of the day
No chance to keep on top of mess during day as one or both of them is awake and needs something
To find ways to entertain and stimulate the both all day
3 meals for both a toddler and baby in my kitchen - you can imagine the mess
Around 3-4 hours sleep a night

Once kids in bed my husband and I start on tidying up the mess, washing bottles etc etc. This takes at least an hour each night. Then I/we (depending on whether he needs to go back to work) start to chip away at the “standard housework” - hoovering, laundry , bins , admin, etc etc

The idea that a working parent does everything a SAHP does (in less hours) is laughable ! I’m not saying one is harder than the other and I’m guessing the mornings and evening will be stressful if I return to work in March .... but I won’t come back to a days worth of chaos and mess every night.

[Passthecherrycoke]

I think the PP who said about WOHP doing everything SAHM parents do in less time was referring to housework

[RoseHippy1]

@passthecherrycoke

There is no way there is the same amount of housework! See my post above . Between mat leaves I worked and dd1 was in In childcare. Got home to a clean house just before bath time.

[Passthecherrycoke]

She didn’t say there was the same
Amount, just that WOHP have to run a household too.

[MustardScreams]

I’m a single WOHP. There is without doubt less time to do everything. I leave the house at 7:15am and we get back at roughly 6:45/7:pm. Dd still makes mess before and after work, still needs food, drink, playtime, clothes washed, the house still needs cleaning. I have to eat at some point! Then check emails/sort out work for the next day. And sleep.

It was infinitely easier when I was on maternity leave, yes it was still hard but I didn’t have the work stuff to worry about also.

[Thirtyrock39]

Rosehip when you go back to work the kids will still be at home part of the day and will still create mess unless you're literally only seeing them to get them into and out of bed - most working parents are still making two out of three meals, all the housework , family admin, laundry, shopping etc etc and in terms of kid clutter throughout the day I always think tidying is quite quick it's the cleaning that takes time and you still have to do all that - hence the popularity of things like the organised mum method
I

[RoseHippy1]

Oh my god it’s just not on the same level - I’ve been a working parent and a “SAHM” of two tiny folk.

I can directly the compare situations and in terms of sheer MESS it is two different worlds.

Yes there is still housework and the standing household admin, of course there is, but I have to do this into the night just as I did whilst working . I’m not folding laundry and stripping beds during the day - can’t take my eyes of the kids for a second !!

My point is that a SAHM does not necessarily have more time in which to do housework. They might even have less as they have a whole days worth of carnage to clear up (not the same as pre/post nursery light mess)!

I’m not saying SAHM is harder , not at all. It’s been about the same in my situation, but very different.

[RoseHippy1]

*in difficulty terms it’s been about the same, but in terms of what your doing all day of course it’s very different

[MustardScreams]

Yikes! That does sound tough. How do you make their food?

Your post reminds me of when dd was little and went though a phase of screaming every time I put her down. That was not fun!

[Passthecherrycoke]

But there are a few things there rose. I am
Currently a sAHM (maternity leave) my children aren’t allowed to make that sort of mess.
Now maybe that’s not the sort of house you want your children to grow up in, but mine do. They do activities and play but I tidy as we go, and often put them in front of the Tv to do housework.

I have a baby so lots of equipment around which I hate but it’s the way it goes. I have a smallish hosue and it certainly doesn’t take an hour to tidy their shit, there isn’t enough space

I have friends who allow the playroom to be knee deep in different toys everyday and they do struggle to keep on top of it. But it’s a choice and not one all parents make.

[WhatsInAName19]

I don’t think that’s right.

So not quite the "I don't mean to be judgy" from your first comment

@mustardscreams I will be in the exact same boat as that poster in another year. And if I can’t pull it out of the bag and negotiate a return to my old role with extremely flexible hours and holidays, then I am still going to struggle to find a job that fits in around school. Lots of women are in this position. It’s rare as rocking horse shit to find a job that allows you to do the school run, be off work in the school holidays, be available for dentist/doctors appointments and sick days etc. And I know that my husband should, in an ideal world, be taking half the responsibility for these things, but he is our main breadwinner and we simply cannot afford to jeopardise his job. Yes that perpetuates the system that disadvantages women. No we can’t afford to go against the grain and make ourselves poorer for the greater good. And it isn’t as simple as getting childcare for the holidays, because good quality, short-term childcare is just not that easy to find everywhere. We don’t all have family who can help.

It’s so easy to just flippantly suggest that somebody gets a job, but the reality is not so straightforward.

[RoseHippy1]

You are assuming that I don’t encourage my 1 year old and baby to tidy up as they go and am failing to keep on top of things / maintain standards? And that’s why it’s hard... I’m not doing it right? Do you have a one year old and a baby?!

[Passthecherrycoke]

A one year old and a baby! I thought you meant two toddlers running about with the paints play doh or scaletrix sets. The baby obviously doesn’t make any mess, how does the one year old?

Personally hats off to you a one year old an d a baby would kill me but it would be the no sleep/ nappies/ teething/ feeding that would be my killer, not toys on the floor!

[RoseHippy1]

You are asking me have a one-year-old makes a mess?

[RoseHippy1]

*How are one-year-old makes mess?

Do I really need to break it down?

[RoseHippy1]

Paints Play-Doh Scalextric would be just the beginning.

[Passthecherrycoke]

Well they’re not getting the play doh out that’s for sure 🤣 they’re not going up to their room and emptying all their storage units on the floor because they’re looking for their babies special swimsuit or because they’re bored of uno. They’re not tearing apart the house on a play date dressing up as princesses.... ah pre schoolers

[RoseHippy1]

She does all of those things… What makes you think otherwise?

[BorisJohnsonsModelBus]

I'm grateful, I guess, but also bored and it gets tiring because my H works away on an unpredictable schedule.

[RoseHippy1]

You are talking with a fair amount of authority about what my children do and do not do… Which is a bit weird to be honest

[Passthecherrycoke]

It’s not at all, it’s not a big deal. You say that SAHMs tidy more and that you and your husband spend an hour tidying the mess from the day before you start the usual housework. All I said is, that’s not typical.

For example, my much older child can’t even reach the play doh, no way would she be able to get it out and start messing with it herself. I hate children mess, so they play with some bits, they get put away, they play with other bits. I set up play doh or painting on covered surfaces and clear it away as soon as they’re finished.

To do all this clearing I sometimes ignore them / put them in front of the Tv. Some parents don’t want to do that, they want play to be more child led and natural and that’s fine. But it doesn’t mean all SAHMs deal with the daily mess you describe, and that’s my only point.