to think swearing is not ever acceptable in a relationship?

[Leavesarefallingtotheground]

I want to ask people for a genuine perspective on this. My DH is great the vast majority of the time. He is kind, generous, loving, hard-working, does 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare when he is around (although he works full time and I work 4 days a week so I inevitably do more childcare but I love spending time with my DC). He is never controlling and puts the family first.

We get on well most of the time. We share a lot of the same interests, moral code and views. We enjoy each others company. Basically we are well aligned.

We are both very busy, with a baby and toddler, busy demanding careers and both also studying postgraduate degrees at university, plus many other demands on our time.

When we disagree or argue, sometimes we are both very level-headed, we listen and come to a reasonable conclusion or answer, and basically figure it out. He will apologise and is able to admit when he may have been in the wrong. As do I.

Sometimes when we are both tired, stressed and unable to debate in a constructive way, an argument can escalate, and we can both become irritated, even angry and raise our voices (never when the DC are awake/around and not full on shouting either).
Last night this happened and he swore at me, twice. I felt really upset by this and decided to end the conversation. I told him I would not be engaging any further as I felt disrespected. He apologised soon after, but tbh, I felt hurt and unable to have a conversation about it, so I went to sleep.

I suppose I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship? Or am I being precious, too sensitive and naive?

Voting enabled:
YABU: I am over-reacting and being too sensitive.
YANBU: There should never be raised voices and swearing in a relationship.

It's not acceptable yanbu. But context is everything, when both sides are tired and it's an equal arguing situation then things get said, I don't swear so to me it's bad whereas h does, he apologises after. We are separated now and actually get on better!

I don't think it's a blanket rule. Every relationship is different and every person is different. For some, swearing will be hugely offensive and upsetting, for others, not so much. What matters is that you and your DH establish what's okay in YOUR relationship, not that you decide how it must be in EVERY relationship.

I REALLY don’t think it’s a big deal at all to be honest. I mean if it’s used in an abusive way as part of other abusive behaviour then yeah there’s an issue but just swearing when arguing? Can’t get that worked up about it 🤷‍♀️

Hugely overreacting in my opinion.

Depends on the swearing

FFS - perfectly acceptable

You fucking bitch - only acceptable if equal or jokey

I always think swearing in a sentence is very different to calling someone names

Arguing even with raised voices is part of a normal healthy relationship so is swearing - all depends on context.

I think you are asking a lot of someone if you insist that they can never raise their voice or emit a swear word on the odd occasion. That road leads to someone keeping their mouth buttoned and resentment growing. Everyone - everyone - gets mad with something their partner's done sooner or later.

Of course you will get posters saying that they always talk and that they've never had a cross word. Hmmmmph. Methinks someone is doing a lot of giving in and that will come home to roost.

I think if it's the odd blow-up - that's ok. Persistent shouting/swearing is a totally different matter and of course that is unacceptable.

I agree it very much depends on context.

Everyone is different and has different boundaries. Both me and DP swear a lot. I wouldn’t find it offensive, though would not like if he called me a ‘bitch’ at all.

I think I’d actually be more annoyed by DH telling me he ‘wouldn’t be engaging any further’ as I just find language like this to be SO patronising. If he told me to piss off or something because he was tired and grumpy and we were squabbling I’d not give it a minutes thought. I’d probably (immaturely) reply something like ‘you piss off!’ And then we would both have forgotten about it ten minutes later and be pals again.

It really depends, what did he actually say,

Something like oh ffs, totally fine. Something like fuck off you cunt, not,

So really it depends on what he said.

What did he say? Does he normally swear day to day? Do you?

DH and I are very sweary, so we also swear during an argument. That said, we don't call each other swear words, more punctuate with them.

Erm to me it's totally alien not to swear. I'd find it totally bizarre if my partner found it upsetting or scary for just using swear words, unless it was name calling of course.

It depends on what lines are drawn within the relationship really.

ExH swore loads and we shouted at each other and I just accepted that was who he was so back then I'd have said it's normal.

I've never heard DP now swear and he's never shouted at me which makes me a lot happier than ExH's behaviour did!

So for me, YANBU, but some people prefer a more fiery relationship!

I always think swearing in a sentence is very different to calling someone names

Totally agree. But generalised swearing? Meh. Everyone does it, apart from the most middling of middle class types who trot out the “sign of a poor vocabulary” nonsense.

Just to clarify - I never shout at DP either!

Also agree depends on context/wording, so I didn't vote.

But he ought to respect your feelings, and make a big effort not to do it again now he knows you find it distressing (personally I'd feel the same as you).

Pay attention to his behaviour now he's aware of how you feel.

I think you sound like a perfectly normal couple. Swearing happens, he’s not perfect Op and you guys have a huge amount on (why the hell are you BOTH doing post grads whilst working full time with a baby and a toddler? When do you when do it??)

These early years are stressful. You get tired you argue, you swear. Most of us do it

Hm. There's a difference between saying "oh for fuck's sake" and calling someone a bitch or whatever, imo. But in general I would expect my husband to keep his temper during an argument, just as he would in a disagreement at work / with his child / with his dad etc. Everyone is different, of course. Having said that, I don't think shouting is ever acceptable.

You are going out of your way to post strange things - is it just to pre-empt the MN shouting about a random element or are you actually trying to cover something?

(I mean you go into such detail about how he is so equal in everything, how fantastically you are aligned, how "well" you argue and how it is never in front of the kids etc)

I personally think raised voices and swearing in anger at each other shouldn't happen on a regular basis. A one off when both are tired and stressed I would overlook.

Shouting and arguing when children are around.....wrong.
Using foul language AT your partner to insult them....wrong.
Swearing in an argument that isn't directed at the other person but to vent/release frustration.....ok

I have sworn in front of my DH, but never at him. The same goes for him. We love and respect each other, together for 15 years, 2 DDs. I want my kids to grow up knowing what a loving respectful relationship looks like. We never argue and only very occasionally snap at each other which is swiftly followed by an apology.

I would be hurt and upset if I was you too. YADNBU.

I think swearing is absolutely fine in the context you described. Especially if it is a ‘for fuck sake’ ‘of course it fucking is’ rather than ‘you’re a fucking bitch’. The latter I would find unacceptable. However, I would find my partner refusing to engage with me so I incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, if it happened as a habit I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone like that.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly I think there’s a bit of MN bingo going on in the OP.

Thanks for all the responses, maybe I am over-reacting then, but it does upset me.

What he actually said to me was
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" and then told me to "piss off".

So not quite as easy to get over as a "FFS" which I don't think would have upset me at all. But not quite as bad as insulting or calling names.

I found this really hurtful, but maybe I am too sensitive. Neither of us normally raise our voices or swear at each other. I do not have a problem with people swearing generally, but swearing in anger does upset me.