to think swearing is not ever acceptable in a relationship?

[Leavesarefallingtotheground]

I want to ask people for a genuine perspective on this. My DH is great the vast majority of the time. He is kind, generous, loving, hard-working, does 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare when he is around (although he works full time and I work 4 days a week so I inevitably do more childcare but I love spending time with my DC). He is never controlling and puts the family first.

We get on well most of the time. We share a lot of the same interests, moral code and views. We enjoy each others company. Basically we are well aligned.

We are both very busy, with a baby and toddler, busy demanding careers and both also studying postgraduate degrees at university, plus many other demands on our time.

When we disagree or argue, sometimes we are both very level-headed, we listen and come to a reasonable conclusion or answer, and basically figure it out. He will apologise and is able to admit when he may have been in the wrong. As do I.

Sometimes when we are both tired, stressed and unable to debate in a constructive way, an argument can escalate, and we can both become irritated, even angry and raise our voices (never when the DC are awake/around and not full on shouting either).
Last night this happened and he swore at me, twice. I felt really upset by this and decided to end the conversation. I told him I would not be engaging any further as I felt disrespected. He apologised soon after, but tbh, I felt hurt and unable to have a conversation about it, so I went to sleep.

I suppose I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship? Or am I being precious, too sensitive and naive?

Voting enabled:
YABU: I am over-reacting and being too sensitive.
YANBU: There should never be raised voices and swearing in a relationship.

I suppose I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship?

In an ideal world would be great but I think for vast majority of couples either one or both is a feature tbh. I've certainly never seen any relationship up close where these didn't happen, except for very much older people (80s).

Meh. We're a sweary couple. I call him a childish wanker, he calls man a nagging twat.

An hour later we're cuddling up on the sofa. We're mostly just letting off steam and bickering over a messy kitchen/pants on the floor/what to watch on tv. It doesn't really go deep.

I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship?

I think that depends on whether you're in a relationship with a human or a robot.

I am assuming you mean he swore while arguing not directed something awful at you. Directing words of abuse at someone (which doesn't even require swearing) is not the same as experiencing anger or frustration that results in a raised voice or use of particular words.

Sweating is part of language, it's unreasonable to restrict the words your partner can use.

Arguments are not civilised, logically working through your issues and taking time to awknowledge each others view. That’s a disagreement, as a Pp said, much like you would deal with professionally at work.

Arguments are passionate, angry, shouty and urgent and all about a release of emotion. Things get said during them, it happens. Arguing can be healthy, and it can be useful.

We are quite sweaty, however, there are plenty of ways either of us could swear in an argument that I would find very hurtful.

Swearing not sweating, obviously.

Thank you for your responses, most of them are really helpful.

@passthecherrycoke: What is mumsnet bingo?

@BuzzShitbagBobbly: I was trying to give as much context as possible, so that posters didn't assume it was abusive relationship, which it is not. I don't think I am hiding anything. I am just trying not to drip feed.

I can't see how "what the fuck is wrong with you" is any different to "for fucks sake". I think you're being a bit precious.

Depends on what was said.
If I am very very angry at DH I might say something like: “Can you just fucking listen to me for once”? I think that’s acceptable.

But calling each other names, is where I would draw the line. Esspecially sexually degrading terms directed to women such as slut, whore.
The men who use them are misogynistic as can be and using these terms are a HUGE red flag.

My ex regularly told me during arguments to ‘get fucked’, ‘fuck off’ or ‘go fuck yourself’. It would upset me at the time, but thinking back now it is just completely unacceptable and devoid of any respect. He knew it hurt me, I told him many times but it didn’t stop him from doing it again and I didn’t get an apology. In future I will walk away at any sign of this language.

I think YANBU. It is hurtful. You need to talk to your DH and make it very clear that you find the swearing unacceptable and vow not to in future conflict.

The man was frustrated for gods sake. You sounds like a barrel of laughs.

What is the reason swearing in anger upsets you in particular?

Personally I would never accept being called things like “bitch” but stuff like “what the fuck is wrong with you”, while maybe not the most ideal form of communication, would get shrugged off as something said in the heat of the moment.

I have suffered PTSD and really struggle with being shouted at so my partner and I genuinely never shout at each other, but we do occasionally get stressy and drop the odd swear word.

I think it's natural for people to say things and behave in certain ways when involved in an argument. Is it pleasant to swear? No but the context is relevant.

If his general way of conversing with you was aggressive and laden with curse words, then you would not be unreasonable to be upset but given it really only occurs during heated discussions I think it is more understandable.

Focusing too much on small "misdemeanours" maybe is somewhat unfair when he typically is a good husband by your own admission. He shouldn't swear at you but the fact he has I don't think needs to be excessively mulled over.

I think "what the fuck is wrong with you" would would seal up my vagina forever towards that man

OP I'd explain how disrespected you feel and I hope he takes it on board

I don’t think you are being totally U. DH and swear loads, just not at each other.

I'd be fairly likely to say either of those things to DH in a heated argument. He'd be less likely to say them to me as he's very precise in his speech and also generally swears less, but he might. It wouldn't be a big deal in our house but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be in yours; everyone has different boundaries. I'll take a raised voice or a bit of swearing over sulking or sarcasm any day, for example.
Our arguments tend to blow over quite quickly and, like onthecoins, we're usually hugging and making up soon afterwards.

We both swear like troopers.

Which is not to say there aren't contexts in which swearing at each other would be out of order, but even something along the lines of 'piss off' can be light hearted or vicious depending on the situation and tone.

This wouldn't bother me. I'm not you, of course, so that doesn't matter. But I would ask yourself why this is such a hot button issue for you, in the context of all the good stuff you mentioned in your OP. Was swearing seen as the worst thing ever in your childhood home?

Raised voices ok, but not when children are near... but no swearing

I wasn't raised to think swearing is awful. Swearing doesn't offend me at all if in humour or general conversation.

But being sworn at? Yes that upsets me.

This thread is interesting, as it shows how differently people feel about these things. My husband and I rarely argue. We never raise our voices at each other. If he swore at me, it would be a problem. If he said "What the fuck is wrong with you?" It would be a big problem. (I had an abusive childhood, and can't cope with people shouting and swearing at me.) But, some couples see arguing as the flip side of love - which may be true for them. At the end of the day, it all depends on what is normal and acceptable for you and your relationship.

Why?

Heavens - DH and I have been happily married for a bazillion years and when we argue (which is about once every two months) we definitely swear at one another.

It releases tension. Neither of us consider swearing to be disrespectful.

We also swear in our daily conversation. It's nothing.

You do sound a bit on the precious side, if I'm honest.