to think swearing is not ever acceptable in a relationship?

[Leavesarefallingtotheground]

I want to ask people for a genuine perspective on this. My DH is great the vast majority of the time. He is kind, generous, loving, hard-working, does 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare when he is around (although he works full time and I work 4 days a week so I inevitably do more childcare but I love spending time with my DC). He is never controlling and puts the family first.

We get on well most of the time. We share a lot of the same interests, moral code and views. We enjoy each others company. Basically we are well aligned.

We are both very busy, with a baby and toddler, busy demanding careers and both also studying postgraduate degrees at university, plus many other demands on our time.

When we disagree or argue, sometimes we are both very level-headed, we listen and come to a reasonable conclusion or answer, and basically figure it out. He will apologise and is able to admit when he may have been in the wrong. As do I.

Sometimes when we are both tired, stressed and unable to debate in a constructive way, an argument can escalate, and we can both become irritated, even angry and raise our voices (never when the DC are awake/around and not full on shouting either).
Last night this happened and he swore at me, twice. I felt really upset by this and decided to end the conversation. I told him I would not be engaging any further as I felt disrespected. He apologised soon after, but tbh, I felt hurt and unable to have a conversation about it, so I went to sleep.

I suppose I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship? Or am I being precious, too sensitive and naive?

Voting enabled:
YABU: I am over-reacting and being too sensitive.
YANBU: There should never be raised voices and swearing in a relationship.

Calling names yes that's U but saying "What the fuck is wrong with you" meh I'd get over it

This has happened a few times, and we have been together 11 years and married for 5. It never happened before we had our DCs after marriage. I think it would have been a red flag for me if it had happened pre-marriage.

We've been married for 20 years, and we don't argue in a shouty way much. But we did when our DCs were young. It was such a tiring stressful time in our lives.

That's the only time we've really shouted and sworn at each other in arguments. I thought we might split up, we were both so upset, but we didn't and now things are much easier and happier.

We still argue, but we're much better at seeing each other's point of view now.

I really think you're going through a tough, tiring bit of your life, and this is your OH's reaction to it.

Swearing about something, fair enough. Swearing at someone to deliberately insult them during an argument, I tend to agree with you OP. Although there are the occasional times when only a curt "Fuck off" will do!

"I'm so fucking pissed off" acceptable "you're a fucking cunt" not acceptable imo

I don’t expect to have to suppress my emotions in front of my husband the way I do at work!

I think YABU.

Then again, my man and I never, ever argue cause we're chill like that. But regularly swear at each other cause we can. Just this morning when he was on his way out to work, I embraced him and lovinly told him to fuck off now.

I think you're overreacting.

Like a previous poster said, we don't do it at work, with friends, other family members or our children, so why should couples ever behave like this to each other?

Um, some of us do.

Thank you @HoldMyLobster and many others of you who have given kind and considered responses. Actually we do have an exceptional amount on our plates. Maybe these are just stressful times.

There are people who will tell you
that using the word fuck in a poem
indicates a serious lapse
of taste, or imagination,

or both. It’s vulgar,
indecorous, an obscenity
that crashes down like an anvil
falling through a skylight

to land on a restaurant table,
on the white linen, the cut-glass vase of lilacs.
But if you were sitting
over coffee when the metal

hit your saucer like a missile,
wouldn’t that be the first thing
you’d say? Wouldn’t you leap back
shouting, or at least thinking it,

over and over, bell-note riotously clanging
in the church of your brain
while the solicitous waiter
led you away, wouldn’t you prop

your shaking elbows on the bar
and order your first drink in months,
telling yourself you were lucky
to be alive? And if you wouldn’t

say anything but Mercy or Oh my
or Land sakes, well then
I don’t want to know you anyway
and I don’t give a fuck what you think

of my poem. The world is divided
into those whose opinions matter
and those who will never have
a clue, and if you knew

which one you were I could talk
to you, and tell you that sometimes
there’s only one word that means
what you need it to mean, the way

there’s only one person
when you first fall in love,
or one infant’s cry that calls forth
the burning milk, one name

that you pray to when prayer
is what’s left to you. I’m saying
in the beginning was the word
and it was good, it meant one human

entering another and it’s still
what I love, the word made
flesh. Fuck me, I say to the one
whose lovely body I want close,

and as we fuck I know it’s holy,
a psalm, a hymn, a hammer
ringing down on an anvil,
forging a whole new world.

Like a PP also said, It would trigger memories of my childhood abuse - which came from a man who I should have loved and trusted.

Jokey sense or if you're really emotionally hurt or angry, okay I can live with it. But out of general irritation/tiredness (which is daily working life to must people) no I would hate it.

I stopped feeling upset if someone swears AT me many years ago, when I eventually realised I didn't have to be upset because someone else was being a nasty arsehole...

We love and respect each other, together for 15 years, 2 DDs. I want my kids to grow up knowing what a loving respectful relationship looks like. We never argue and only very occasionally snap at each other which is swiftly followed by an apology

People who claim to 'never argue' makes me think one of the couple is a complete push-over and is only keeping quiet to keep the peace.

Also, just because someone might say a swear word during an arguement doesn't mean they don't love and respect each other, that comment is just ridiculous, you might be better to show your kids how to have a healthy disagreement, that you can be angry/annoyed and it's okay.

I agree with most of the other people posting, it is all about context. Me and my husband rarely argue but if we did and he was saying things like 'for fucks sake' or 'don't be so fucking selfish' then i would just take it as part fo the argument. If he said 'fuck you you fucking bitch' I would be really shocked and hurt as we have never spoken to each other like that before.

I think it’s different for everyone. We sometimes shout and swear, if he calls me a name I’ll call him a worse one back

swearing certainly is sometimes an appropriate and proportionate way to express depth of feeling. It depends exactly how the words are used "I am fucking annoyed" is totally different from "you are a fucking cow" for example.

It is more unreasonable to refuse to engage further and go to sleep without having reconciled. That only seals in bad feelings. He was apologising and you were nurturing your wrath to keep it warm.

I’ve called him a fat ugly cunt before, he’s called me a lazy slut.. meh we get over it!

Wow I think I'm in the minority here. Me and my partner swear at each other jokingly all the time; "what the fuck is wrong with you?" would be fine in the context of one of us doing something stupid but benign, because there's nothing behind it and we know it's light hearted.

But during an actual argument, I think that's going too far. Swearing during an argument as an expression of frustration is different than swearing AT someone imo and I wouldn't put up with that.

I think, on balance, given what you have said about your relationship, you are being a bit precious.

If it really bothers you, ask him not to swear at you, what will he say?

The only word I really hate is Cunt, which sadly DP still uses even though it makes my heart rate go like the clackers.

@morriseysquif, I think if I asked him not to swear at me, he would listen to me, acknowledge my feelings, and would definitely say he would really try not to do it again. And I think he would mean it. But it may still happen again when he is very stressed.

The last time it happened was when my youngest was 4 months old and we were buying a house.

what the fuck is wrong with it?

Depends entirely on what/how it is said.

I'm completely fucking knackered - acceptable

You are a total fucking bitch - never acceptable

DP and I swear at each other quite often. I don't see it as some big bad thing, they're words which show a level of anger and frustration that other words do not. I hardly think it's unforgivable

I’ve called him a fat ugly cunt before, he’s called me a lazy slut.. meh we get over it!

#Relationshipgoals

Me and DP like a good shout though - lets off steam, means you calm down faster. Plus it sometimes leads to sex

I think you're quite precious that you're so bowled over by a few light swears or a couple of arguments in 11 years.