to think swearing is not ever acceptable in a relationship?

[Leavesarefallingtotheground]

I want to ask people for a genuine perspective on this. My DH is great the vast majority of the time. He is kind, generous, loving, hard-working, does 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare when he is around (although he works full time and I work 4 days a week so I inevitably do more childcare but I love spending time with my DC). He is never controlling and puts the family first.

We get on well most of the time. We share a lot of the same interests, moral code and views. We enjoy each others company. Basically we are well aligned.

We are both very busy, with a baby and toddler, busy demanding careers and both also studying postgraduate degrees at university, plus many other demands on our time.

When we disagree or argue, sometimes we are both very level-headed, we listen and come to a reasonable conclusion or answer, and basically figure it out. He will apologise and is able to admit when he may have been in the wrong. As do I.

Sometimes when we are both tired, stressed and unable to debate in a constructive way, an argument can escalate, and we can both become irritated, even angry and raise our voices (never when the DC are awake/around and not full on shouting either).
Last night this happened and he swore at me, twice. I felt really upset by this and decided to end the conversation. I told him I would not be engaging any further as I felt disrespected. He apologised soon after, but tbh, I felt hurt and unable to have a conversation about it, so I went to sleep.

I suppose I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship? Or am I being precious, too sensitive and naive?

Voting enabled:
YABU: I am over-reacting and being too sensitive.
YANBU: There should never be raised voices and swearing in a relationship.

YANBU. I can't vote - I'm on the app.

I've never been sworn at by anyone, let alone DH.

I would not tolerate the sort of examples you've given.

It really depends on your 'normal' and while I'm not averse to a well-placed swear word in humour, it's never been a feature of arguments for me - not growing up from my parents, and not from my partners.

My DC will never see it, either.

Having seen your post with what he actually said, no that wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't be quite so happy if he called me a fucking bitch for example - that's more swearing AT you rather than ju8st swearing in response.

What he said wouldn't bother me at all, I probably wouldn't have even noticed that he swore, we are both quite sweary in general so him so him saying 'What the fuck is wrong with you, piss off' would be no different to him saying 'What on earth is wrong with you, leave me alone'.
People get frustrated, it happens.

DH and I can both be a bit sweary and the DC both know swear words, but rarely drop one.

In arguments I'm probably the most hot-headed but I don't think either of us swears disrespectfully towards the other; we'll say "fucking hell" but not "fucking hell you cunt".

Thanks for the replies, it’s definitely helpful to see the array of thresholds people have. I am generally fairly sensitive I suppose. Maybe that is ok? Maybe not? But we mostly have a very good relationship. And my husband is very supportive and loving the vast majority of the time.

I have not said we don’t argue. We certainly do, but we normally argue very diplomatically and respectfully. And I think many of you are right that we have been under a lot of stress, and that has been the trigger here.

We have 2 DC under 3, we are both working and studying. We have moved 4 times in the past 2 years, renovated 3 properties, bought and sold houses, had stressors in both of our parents too like illness and other problems. Plus lots more, I won’t go on.

@Passthecherrycoke we are both doing postgraduate degrees to enhance our careers. We both have demanding roles in competitive fields and the degrees will open more doors, give us more options and if all goes to plan, raise our income.

We both hate being shouted at because of our past and we're both very laid back so that doesn't happen here. Also calling each other a funking cunt is unacceptable imo. However we disagree and both do some no doubt unhealthy sulking. We also swear but not at each other. Works for us.

I'm not fucking surprised you two are under stress enough to argue and swear; why are you?

I'm more likely to call DH dickhead than I am his name or "babe" (cringe) and vice versa.

It's just the way we are , had to seriously work on it since DS came along , obviously.

I'd laugh in his face if he had a tantrum about swearing , I couldn't imagine being with someone that sensitive.

No one had a “tantrum”. I calmly explained I didn’t want to continue the conversation whilst being sworn at.

I don't mind people swearing but I absolutely will not tolerate being sworn at or having someone raise their voice towards me.

I expect that even more in a relationship.

Interesting one. I’ve been in long term relationships where we’ve never sworn at each other. I’ve now been married years and years and my husband is sweary (as are his own parents who have been soulmates for 40 years) and I swear right back at him. It’s all forgotten the next day. I’d actually prefer not to swear tbh as my parents never did. Crucially though, the swearing is never personally insulting. If he called me a fucking fat bitch etc I’d divorce him. I think there’s a lot to be said for the malice / intent behind the words. Just shouting ‘why are there never any fucking bin bags in this house?!’at someone is rude but not something I’d be seriously upset about.

I aould be upset by the examples you give too, but I think it's fairly normal? I would be angry though.