to think swearing is not ever acceptable in a relationship?

[Leavesarefallingtotheground]

I want to ask people for a genuine perspective on this. My DH is great the vast majority of the time. He is kind, generous, loving, hard-working, does 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare when he is around (although he works full time and I work 4 days a week so I inevitably do more childcare but I love spending time with my DC). He is never controlling and puts the family first.

We get on well most of the time. We share a lot of the same interests, moral code and views. We enjoy each others company. Basically we are well aligned.

We are both very busy, with a baby and toddler, busy demanding careers and both also studying postgraduate degrees at university, plus many other demands on our time.

When we disagree or argue, sometimes we are both very level-headed, we listen and come to a reasonable conclusion or answer, and basically figure it out. He will apologise and is able to admit when he may have been in the wrong. As do I.

Sometimes when we are both tired, stressed and unable to debate in a constructive way, an argument can escalate, and we can both become irritated, even angry and raise our voices (never when the DC are awake/around and not full on shouting either).
Last night this happened and he swore at me, twice. I felt really upset by this and decided to end the conversation. I told him I would not be engaging any further as I felt disrespected. He apologised soon after, but tbh, I felt hurt and unable to have a conversation about it, so I went to sleep.

I suppose I want to ask people if it is reasonable to think swearing and raised voices should not be a feature of arguments in a marriage or relationship? Or am I being precious, too sensitive and naive?

Voting enabled:
YABU: I am over-reacting and being too sensitive.
YANBU: There should never be raised voices and swearing in a relationship.

And no you don't swear at colleagues or friends... you also don't have sex, lick their ears or fart in front of them. Couples are closer so they do more things, I wouldn't swear at a friend because I wouldn't want to lose them. I can swear at DP because I know he would still love me

What is so bad about the word, it's like you are almost afraid of it. Did something happen you when you are younger that makes you think that swearing is a step too far?

All houses are different. In our home growing up, everyone used language. It was ok. In my husbands family this would be shocking. Neither of us are right or wrong.

I'm trying to be understanding towards your family growing up, but expecting your husband to never swear ever, (when he grew up thinking it's not that bad), is unreasonable.

Everything in your marriage sounds pretty good, but sometimes when stressed or tired,and a little argument occurs, it sometimes can mean a few swear words can slip out without thinking.

But with some people, as in those who have got into the habit of using swear words,and foul language as a matter of course in every conversation,this is when it's not acceptable.

@LemonPrism I don't lick DP's ears, wtf

Sorry for the expletive OP

I think there is a real difference between swearing and swearing in a v personal way, so “you’re f*ing annoying me!” would be upsetting but not a unrecoverable. Whereas calling me a “btch, cnt” etc would be way way over the line. We rarely swear at each other but have never, never call each other names. That would be emergency marriage counselling, divorce danger territory for me.

Erm to me it's totally alien not to swear.

Really lyingwanker? I never would have guessed.

People think of anger as a bad emotion that should never ever be shown, we should bottle it up forever and never express frustration.

Of course there is a limit to how much you express it, eg you can’t go around destroying things because you’re angry.

But it’s absolutely fine to let out your pent up frustrations occasionally. Swearing is generally a way of doing that.
As long as it’s not like PPs have said where he’s saying it about you like “you’re a bitch” and more like “fuck off now”

I feel better when I’ve vented to DH or we have argued, it normally releases any tension and as long it’s not in front of kids or physical then I don’t see a problem.

I think you have huge, huge stressors in your life and probably need to give each other some grace. The young children years are hard on a marriage. It doesn’t sound too bad. Say you are hurt but maybe think of ways to try to lower the stress if you can, or find release if you can’t.

@AyraStarkWolf I have no idea how much sarcasm is intended in this but thanks! Haha. We know it’s not meant and we move on

I think if someone is very sensitive to aggression due to childhood trauma it's fine for them to draw a line and say "no swearing at me", and their partners can decide if they want to be in that relationship or not.

There's no right or wrong. Well there, is, like when my (much bigger than me) xh would continue shouting at me while I was crying on the floor

It's ok for someone to be sensitive. I've always tried not to be but that's just who I am, so I need a relationship where I'm treated kindly

We rarely argue and get on well but occasionally I lose it and it's me that swears. They are just words, get over it.

This is surely dependent on you and your own relationship- how will the majority of women/men on here sway your decision based on their own relationship? For example- I would say you are absolutely overreacting, but that’s me and my limits are clearly much broader than yours. If you feel that swearing a big no, then that’s all that matters.

@wantthismummy I was being fairly sarcastic but in a jokey way :p

What catnuzzle says. Been married 40 years, have never sworn at each other in anger. We both swear sometimes, just not at anyone else.

YABVVVU. Ffs.

I tell my husband to 'piss right off' most days. Usually, he is thinking of mildly taking the piss and I have clocked it. Neither of us is offended. He comes from a non-sweary house but I have corrupted him. Just have a chat and let him know you felt uncomfortable, it sounds like you both have a lot going on and may need to reduce stress.

Piss off would annoy me but I can't say it would bother me overly if said in the heat of an argument, whereas "what the fuck is wrong with you" would be the phrase I say most often to my husband. 🤣

Op, arguments are arguments, emotions are escalated, people are annoyed, angry, it's really unhealthy never to argue, you know why? Because it means one or both of you is burying your shit to avoid it, and that always always means trouble in the long run. Because at some point, one of you will be so full of resentment they will be off out of it,

I agree with a PP that swearing at a person i.e. name calling is different to swearing in an argument or at someone’s behaviour. So calling some a fucking idiot is different to saying what you did was fucking ridiculous.

DH and I occasionally have a sweary row but it’s usually that we’ve reached our stress threshold and something small has tipped us over the edge.
We have been together for over 20 years

This only works if you are really willing to listen and understand each others views. I would be more angry that someone was not listening and blindly talking, than any swear words to be honest.

Tbh - if dh said “he would not be engaging with me further as he felt disrespected” I’d tell him to piss off.

I am deeply suspicious when people say they never argue with dh/dw. Usually someone is controlling and someone controlled in that scenario.

Often its the controller who is super proud and vocal about the harmony. Whilst the other is silently seething/ depressed/ oppressed.

Whoa...you would hate being in my house then

MontBlancHonk
I agree, you can’t always agree 100 percent of the time so someone must be holding back and keeping it all in

Or both could be holding back, just as scared of confrontation as each other, I've known relationships like that.

It's actually hard for a lot of people to express anger in a healthy way, if they never saw it done as children. I'm still learning (am currently in the avoid it at all costs camp)

I've been asking myself the same recently... I really struggle with being shouted and sworn at, even if it's not name calling. I just freeze.

However I have no issues with burping and farting or being frigid, ha.