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To not happy about dh's new job

153 replies

amy1008 · 13/11/2019 10:28

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/11/2019 10:30

Why can’t he commute the 100 miles? I know many people who do this from the Midlands to London everyday twice a day either by car or train. I also know people who do longer daily commutes. (My commute is approx 95 miles one way). He’s taking the piss.


Hahaha88 · 13/11/2019 10:31

There's no solution that makes you both happy you either move or he doesn't take the job. But be careful cos one of you is going to end up resenting the other if you aren't careful


GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2019 10:31

His pay rise is far less than that

Then it makes no financial sense to do this, surely?

A more senior role, so presumably more hours, more stress, impact on family life and for less money? Makes no sense.


ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/11/2019 10:33

Will this role lead to further progression in a couple of years? Is there a chance that he will be able to get a role closer to home in time?

If it is likely to be a short term hassle to boost his career prospects I would say you should see if you can make it work.

If this is likely to become the new normal for the next 10 years then it’s less realistic.


ImAwfulWithUsernames · 13/11/2019 10:34

I wouldn't be happy either. He's pushing to make a change that is going to see you worse off financially and he'll see his child/family less??
I don't get it at all.


AmIThough · 13/11/2019 10:36

Can you afford to lose £1500 a month?


amy1008 · 13/11/2019 10:38

Yes, there is only negative impact on finance.

He HOPES this is a temporary move. He'll keep searching and aiming to move back within couple of years.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 13/11/2019 10:38

Op do you leave so early due to a long commute or shift pattern?
If you looked at moving closer to new job, is there a job opportunity for you or would you be unemployed?


amy1008 · 13/11/2019 10:40

We can afford the extra cost, by not saving money and taking cheaper holidays

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 13/11/2019 10:43

It really doesn't look like there is going to be any benefit to anyone in him doing this. How come it's a 'more senior' role on much less pay?


AmIThough · 13/11/2019 10:43

Are you willing to sacrifice the nice holidays and savings, and do ALL of the parenting 3 days a week and welcome a stranger into your home and child's life?

That question sounds incredibly biased because I'm not sure why you're having to give up so much without question!
Maybe pose that question to him - if it was the other way round, would he be willing to accept all of those changes?


AmIThough · 13/11/2019 10:44

@ReanimatedSGB the cost would be his rent and the nanny and school clubs, not because he's taking a pay cut


GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2019 10:44

He'll keep searching and aiming to move back within couple of years.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance

Sorry but somethings not adding up here. Either he can or he can't find something local.

I think this would be a massive impact on your family, on your DD and your relationship to be honest.

But now the cat is out of the bag so to speak, one of you will end up resenting the other one. Has he actually been offered the job?


ColdRainAgain · 13/11/2019 10:45

Can you find childcare that will start at 6.30 for the days you need it? Certainly finding anything round here that starts before 8 is hard.


amy1008 · 13/11/2019 10:51

I also need to commute, about 45 mins one way. I leave early mainly because I want to avoid the traffic (it could be more than an hour if I leave at 8) and to pick up dd a little bit earlier.
I guess I could find a job near his new job. But also need to consider the house, school and moving away from everyone we know (again!)

ReanimatedSGB he dose get a pay rise, but it's not enough to cover the extra cost.

OP posts:

Andysbestadventure · 13/11/2019 10:51

Are you sure he doesn't just want a divorce/break from family life and this is his way of projecting that? His argument doesn't add up, at all, especially financially, and is incredibly selfish of him.


DeeCeeCherry · 13/11/2019 10:54

I don't blame you for not being happy. He's a family man with a wife and child not a single man, and that has to be taken into account in terms of job-hunting. Realistically you'll be doing all the parenting as well as working. It's too much. Why would he even take a job that doesn't seem financially viable? (which is a bit odd for a senior role)


HeadSpin5 · 13/11/2019 10:55

I’m all for compromising but there really doesn’t seem to be a workable way around this that doesn’t detrimentally affect the whole family. I would second the daily commute option - 100m isn’t that long, particularly if he can negotiate wfh 1 or 2 times a week.


Span1elsRock · 13/11/2019 10:57

He sounds like he's ducking out of family life, OP.


ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/11/2019 10:57

But also need to consider the house, school and moving away from everyone we know (again!)

Why did you move away last time? Was it for work or something else?


HugoSpritz · 13/11/2019 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CosmoK · 13/11/2019 11:02

So he gets to live the single life 3 nights a week? And you'd be worse off financially? Nah I can't see that working out - great for him but lots of extra burden for you.

He has a family now and that should come first.


dontalltalkatonce · 13/11/2019 11:04

So your DD pays for him to do what he wants? That's pretty selfish of him, especially as it will cost the family money. I'd couch it like this. If he twists things round and accuses you of not playing in a team by enabling him, you have your answer. You have to make compromises when you have kids. Tough.


nocluewhattodoo · 13/11/2019 11:06

He sounds selfish, do you think he would resent you if you said you aren't willing to take on all the extra responsibility that his plan would entail?


KatharinaRosalie · 13/11/2019 11:06

I agree it does not add up - he promises to keep seraching for a local job, but at the same time claims it does not exist?

Staying elsewhere for 3 days will put a lot of pressure with you. Any kinds of emergencies or issues will be solely yours to deal with. You can't do anything in the evenings or will need to drag DC everywhere. That's a massive thing, for a small pay rise. Not worth it. If he says he will keep searching, let him keep serching for a local job.

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