To not happy about dh's new job

[amy1008]

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

@amy1008 me and my husband are in the video games industry and this sounds all very bloody familiar. No way would I be happy with the 100 mile commute thing now we have a baby on the way, we've moved around the country so much for this ruddy industry. This has to be a move that is beneficial to the family not just his career now. You would be losing both money and time together as a family and you have to compromise the hours for your job/career to pick up his slack. This wouldn't be even slightly up for debate, he needs to grow up and empathise with you. Xxx sending loves OP.

@Miketv3

I agree with you!

OP, you already have your dream house, and you have a child neither of you see much of in the week. You should be facilitating life to spend more time together, not less.

Is he miserable in his job? Maye a sideways more with a new challenge is what he needs.

I'm just wondering if he actually wants the senior role or whether it's a case of feeling unfulfilled and bored. If it's the latter is there any way he could, for example, drop to 4 days a week (even compressed hours as he's only 10 minutes away, although it sounds like he's putting in 10.5 hour days as standard ) and pursue a different sort of challenge with the time freed up - do up a house to resell, volunteer with Samaritans, train for an ultramarathon, study?

A friend's DH can manage on his salary from 3 days so he works part time and volunteers as a police special. Stupidly, this pays more than being a full time police officer and gives him the same feeling of learning something new, giving something back and people respect him for "giving up his time for free."

Personally I would not be up for living apart or having him out of the house 14+ hours a day. It's slightly different if this is the life you both signed up for pre-DC, but it's not fair for him to unilaterally shift the goalposts - the lifestyle vs what you have now will be so vastly different.

Sometimes you have to speculate to accumulate. We have had periods where we have been out of pocket in order to move on in the long term . You need to think about the next 10-20 or even 30 years if he gets stuck at the bottom. Children get more expensive not less and your house may be your dream house now but what about in 10 years time. What about pensions and your daughters university education.

I know a couple of people who have chosen to take the easy / junior option for similar reasons to yours. We are now in our fifties and they are all facing financial pressures now . Your thirties are when you should be making sacrifices to climb that slippery slope to secure a long term future .

If he takes this job then the closest relative to your DD during the day is a 45min car journey. If she becomes sick at the nursery or school it's quite a way away to come and collect her. Or your car breaks down. Unless you have a decent support group of friends living locally. It does put you on single parent status while he works away.
Has he considered that him being local is a considerable support for the family in more than a financial way.
When your daughter starts more after school activities there is no-one local who can do those drop offs.

'so many people are slaves to their jobs becomes they have chosen lifestyles that make their choice of job necessary.' .

This is so true, my friend never saw her DP, angry the wife work all fell to her. She worked all week too but he did long hours to climb the ladder.

He duly got promoted, then they spent a fortune doing up the house, it was fine before but they felt this pressure. Now she never ever sees him as he often has to work weekends She is angry still but has a nice house. He can't get a lower paid job as they are mortgaged to the hilt. It is ridiculous. I also think he is quite happy to duck family time

Madness.

I find it hard to imagine an industry that there aren’t jobs for in Bristol or London or anywhere in between that would have less of a commute.

Just checking the date here .oh yes 13 11 2019, not bloody 1950! When all the little women were expected to roll over, as soon as DH wants his promotion! I think he is BVU TBH. Apart from the obvious impact on family life , What about the financial hit of trying to sell up getting new M/G etc so soon after your last move? Also Im sorry to say this, but often people dont get promoted for a reason ! If he has been there so long ,would he be able to cope well do you think?.I dont think it is worth doing for one step up the ladder really.Also if he does take it and it goes belly up what happens then?!

Surely it’s about being a team . No one is expecting the OP to roll over but they need to look at the effect on their joint income not just now but in the future and if they could afford to do this just by having fewer holidays in the short run but having a much more secure future then that seems a fair trade off

Moving to sunnier climes for a super promotion and better lifestyle is understandable, but not 100 miles up the road for a half arsed promotion and a worst lifestyle.

But if that will be the step he needs to get to the next rung then surely that’s worthwhile . We moved across the country and back for dh job at a similar stage ( luckily my job was portable) in the short run it was a nightmare but 10 years later we were so much better off because we had made those sacrifices and now 20 years on I would say that those decisions are the reason why we now have the lifestyle and security we have now .

user1480880826

The OP says they don’t need the money and that she currently has the higher earning potential.

So you are the higher earner? I'm failing to see his logic here.

That commute via car daily is ridiculous, the traffic !

It would be better if you both moved

We earn roughly the same now.
He spent 7 years in his current job. I spent longer in uni and was a sahm for 2.5 years. I'm 18 months in my first job. There's still rooms to grow.

Suggest
If he wants this job
He needs to do a 'test drive' to see how long it takes
Then he will know how long it takes
See the difference between a commute on a Sunday and a week day

Please let us know how many hours stuck in the traffic

There are ongoing road works near Cambridge that are ongoing for several years too

We are in Oxfordshire, the new job is in Cambridge.

Well, that’s crazy.

If you’re in Oxfordshire, are there no jobs in London?! He’d still have to commute but the sort of commute a lot of people choose.

That commute is unworkable.

I am getting the impression that he has made the mistake of believing someone promising the earth and now he has realised that it isn’t coming he has gone into panic mode.

I don’t for one minute believe that their are no jobs around where you are.

Even a commute into central London is preferable

I would tell him to calm down and look at the different job specs and as long as he has some nod towards being capable of being able to do the job and being open to learning how to do the bits he can’t do then he should apply and if he gets an interview be positive and have a can do attitude.

Working in Cambridge when you live in Oxford is ridiculous.

Depending on where the job is in Cambridge the traffic in the mornings from when I was around there was horrendous and you could have to factor in another 30 minutes each way just to do the last couple of miles

If not the commute the £1500 per month in added expense should be an absolute NO.

It does sound like he is throwing the baby out with the bath water and isn’t thinking sensibly.

I think someone up thread said he needs to see a mentor or careers advisor/ personal life coach type person.

He needs to step away from the panic mode and look at his career analytically and find the best solution to the problem.

It might means he does a small sideways move and so done retraining over the next year or two Then make a more sensible move up the ladder.

I am all for people trying different areas but on your case I think it is not appropriate

I live less than 15 miles from Cambridge. I'd need to leave before 8am to have a hope of getting into Cambridge for 9am. I'm also very familiar with the Oxford to Cambridge run and it's an incredibly traffic prone journey, no matter what day/time (except perhaps Sunday morning) and whether you go via the M25 or cross country.

The journey aside, for the family unit this looks like a dreadful deal. I can see the point of one partner living away if there's a significant financial advantage, or for a temporary period while arranging a move, but your DH is proposing to live away and thus be absent from the family unit, placing all the childcare burden on you (with attendant consequences for your career), and cost the family a very significant amount of money. You say he says it's a temporary move, but how does he reconcile that with his insistence that he can't get a more senior post in a commutable distance? Is the new job a fantastic opportunity to develop new skills which will render him much more employable to a wider range of firms?

DH and I did the Oxford-Cambridge thing for a while (pre-kids). You have to leave around 5 am for the journey time to be remotely acceptable

He seems to be assuming all his chances, or lack of, are linked to location and job availability. I think he might want to have a good look at his performance and skills and see if a) he’s actually good at his job and b) if he is missing anything skills/education wise. It sounds a bit far fetched to me that this is the only opportunity in so many years. If it is true, maybe he should retrain!

Just read the update. What industry is he in that there’s nothing in Oxfordshire/Aylesbury/Milton Keynes/Reading/Maidenhead/London or surrounding areas?! All much more commutable!

I agree with another poster your husband in panic mode. You live in an ideal town commutable to many areas which have career prospects.

I wonder if he just wanted out of family life. Very strange.

I recently turned down a dream job offering a 100% pay rise because it would require me to stay in a hotel once a week (fine) which I’m sure would creep into two nights a week (not fine). My home life with my DH is more important.