To not happy about dh's new job

[amy1008]

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

There is no way in hell I would be up for this.

Basically your DH is suggesting that a) your workload should increase significantly, most likely damaging your own career due to being solely responsible for everything domestic and child related and b) at the same time, family income would go down. Does not sound like such a great deal to me.
The only circumstances where I would consider this would be id he was unemployed and unable to find anything locally. Or if this new job was a concrete stepping stone that would guarantee a local and much better job after a year or so. Does not seem to be the case.

Is he basically mediocre at his job, but thinks he deserves more in the way of money/status? Sometimes someone who keeps getting passed over for promotion just... isn't good enough to merit it. If he takes the new job, uproots you all and then the job falls apart (either he isn't good enough to keep it, or the company becomes unviable) then what?

he's naive/lazy

Ok, that's the nugget we needed. Tbh I suspected that from the situation as you described it - it sounded like a fool's errand from the start and clearly makes very little financial sense - the ONLY thing that would have made me think, ok, was if you came back saying he's clever, he's driven, he's always got an eye out for jobs, his field is hugely specialised and jobs are like hen's teeth.

So - the answer is no, obviously. He wants to progress in a financially savvy and family friendly way? Then he stops being lazy and he gets on a serious job hunt. Oxfordshire? Has he heard of this rather large city in commuting distance where there might just be jobs to be found? It's not called Cambridge, it's called London. Point it out on a map.

He also stops being naive and starts thinking strategically. No it makes no sense to take a job in Cambridge. It makes no sense to have a narrow view of what your skills can be applied to if you're quite specialised- you need to sell yourself. And if you've been stuck 7 years on empty promises, you keep job hunting and you stop listening to your boss. And you don't flap about, do nothing, be lazy and then panic and start shouting about accepting the first job that looks suitable even though it patently makes no financial or family sense.

Finally, if he is a bit of a weak link, don't ever rely on him financially. Keep YOUR eyes on the prize too and make sure you don't put yourself at a disadvantage for his job. Don't cut your hours for school runs so that he isn't affected. As a family, you might be better off prioritising your career rise rather than his.

Oh and yes as SGB says. The very fact he's suggesting this sounds as if he's not only lazy, but a bit entitled too with abilities that so far maybe fall a bit short - he's now decided this job is for him so everyone else's duty is to fall in line. Er, no. He's clearly not proven himself in this job, let alone the family upending themselves to place him in another one where he can dither about.

What FizzyGreenWater said.

So he gets to live the single life 3 nights a week?

I've done it and trust me, if your marriage is good, it's not like that, it's horrible.

I was working on a specific project and spent 3 to 4 nights a week in a hotel for quite a few months, it was sole destroying. Work and then back to the same four walls and see nobody. I counted down the nights I was sleeping there and when it got to the last night of the week, I couldn't wait to jump in the car and get home.

OP, if you aren't wanting to move, financially this makes no sense. If you were to move, for a period of time, your salary would be gone until you found a job there. If you can't comfortably live on just his salary if you move and you really are against moving, this isn't going to work.

After taking dd home, I got to cook, play with her and put her to bed. Dh's current job is 10mins from home. He usually comes back at 7.

So you have the longer commute and work long hours (for overtime) but he only comes home at 7 even with a 10 minute commute and leaves you to do the childcare? No wonder you are barely coping.

he's naive/lazy

Unsurprising. You are working FT and commuting but still doing much of the life work. But now he wants to do even less at the expense of you and your daughter? All his so-called solutions have to do with you being punished for his lack of promotion. Nope. I wouldn't go for that at all.

Whose idea was it to go for this big mortgage for the 'dream home'?

Be honest, is he very image conscious? The staying till 7 every night with a 10-min commute would make me think presenteeism is more important to him than family.

No. Just no. How can he even contemplate this? Unless he actually wants to be single and a disney dad, which I assume he categorically does not. He is inflicting very nearly as much of a change (and arguably, much more of a change in the direction of exhaustion and loss) on you as he is on himself, so you get equal veto rights. He might be fed up and frustrated now, but nowhere near as fed up and frustrated as he is expecting you to be if he makes this move!!

So you have the longer commute and work long hours (for overtime) but he only comes home at 7 even with a 10 minute commute and leaves you to do the childcare? No wonder you are barely coping

ahem.. did you miss the point where it's the DH who is in charge of childcare in the morning?

Sounds like a pretty fair and balanced share of things!

So he gets to live the single life 3 nights a week?

I've done it and trust me, if your marriage is good, it's not like that, it's horrible.

He still gets to check out of family life, get a full nights sleep, go to the gym...basically manage his own time with no responsibilities.

I know lots of people who do this ( it's very common in academia) and i know it's not a walk in the park but it is easier than being at home on your own with young children.

I know lots of people who do this ( it's very common in academia) and i know it's not a walk in the park but it is easier than being at home on your own with young children.

maybe for you

but for some of us NOT being with our own children in our own house is the most difficult part of all!

Pretending that you check out of family life is like saying that a working parent is a part-time parent or not a parent at all.. Is it allowed to say Fuck Off on this forum? I can't remember.

I think he is having a mid life crisis.

That's how I read it too OP. I think you have to stick to your guns that the upheaval and strain on finances just aren't worth this move.

I know lots of people who do this ( it's very common in academia) and i know it's not a walk in the park but it is easier than being at home on your own with young children

maybe for you

but for some of us NOT being with our own children in our own house is the most difficult part of all!

Pretending that you check out of family life is like saying that a working parent is a part-time parent or not a parent at all.. Is it allowed to say Fuck Off on this forum? I can't remember

I never said it was easy for everyone. This is very reason both me and DH have turned down jobs that will take us away from each other and DS regularly.
I've also never, ever said that a working parent is a part time parent. We both work full time.

However, while it might be difficult to be away from your family all week i completely disagree that it's harder than being the one at home if you have young children...especially if you work too.

If you are away all week you are not involved in the day to day responsibilities of childcare.

SOME people working away do check out of family life. And it’s a fact that if working away, however easy or difficult you find that, you’re doing no parenting or domestic work for those times. OP’s H has other good options.

If he does take the job then you would be 45mins away from your daughter and he would be 2.5hrs. Atm your set up works for you because he works 10mins away from your daughters school but what happens if he gets a job that is say 1hr away? Would you be happy with you both being so far away from her? I think you both need to think about how you want to live long term. If the jobs market isnt working for you in Oxford then maybe you do need to move?

Are there ways to work around it so that he works some long days and is working from home and able to do the school runs on other days, and you adjust your own working pattern in response?

I work I don't even know how many miles from home - but more than 100. It's 3 hours door to door, from when I leave by house to drive to the station, to when I walk into the office. There is no need to stay overnight (it's shit to miss out on that much family time anyway). I leave the house at 6:20 and I get home at 7. I take the train so I get in a good 1.5-2 hours of work on the train each way. I spend 6 hours physically in the office for core hours. I do this 3 days a week usually. I work compressed hours, 4 days, but 100% FTE.

On the other days, I wfh one day (I do the school run) and then on Fridays, I'm off with our toddler (so I do the school run this day too).

It works fine and the commute is worth the pay. I would never find a position at all in my field where we live. We can't move because we have a business that is based here and would be unaffordable if we moved it closer to my work. I'm still home every night for bath and bedtime with my dc. The only times I stay over is if I have a late meeting or conference or something that runs into the evening (no trains home that late).

But it does require a partner (you) with some flexibility. Dh is self employed, so he can work school hours 3 days a week and then he works long days the other 2. He has always worked evenings after bedtime (so do I) and some weekends.

But it is annoying that he hasn't figured this into school and house plans. I know there are no jobs for me here. I've never intended to work near home. It was the trade off for living where we want and dh having his business based in an ideal place. But commuting means I get to have a job I love and progress in my career and it's good overall for the family. If you can both be flexible to make it work, it's possible, but you have to look at it long term (do you want to do this forever? will you eventually move? why the heck did he want to buy a house there if he knew all the senior positions were somewhere else?).

ahem.. did you miss the point where it's the DH who is in charge of childcare in the morning?

Sorry, I did miss that.

Thanks again everyone. The comments are really useful. Lots of things I haven't thought about before. Interested in the career coaching thing, will definitely check it out.

To be fair, my DH is hard working and good at what he's doing. He takes care of dd in the morning, dose lost of house chores. I said he's lazy, because he's not good at long term planning. He buried himself into day to day work to avoid the thinking and planning bit.

So after another chat with him yesterday, he'll ask the company whether he could compress the 40 hours into 4 working days and wfh for one day. If they say no, then he won't take the job. Even if they say yes, it's not financially doable in long term. Dd will grow up. We need to spend more and more on extra activities. The work will drain our savings in a few years time. We can't move now. What if he doesn't like the new job or they don't like him? Plus it's not a good time to buy and sell house.

Or he could take a local job. I spend more time learning new skills. My current job offers me lots to learn. It's also flexible. But I'm under paid. (I was a sahm with a PhD but no experience before the job) I'm fairly confident if I change job within 2 years, I could get a significant pay rise. Maybe at that point, we can move to somewhere works for both of us.

maybe for you
*
but for some of us NOT being with our own children in our own house is the most difficult part of all!

Pretending that you check out of family life is like saying that a working parent is a part-time parent or not a parent at all.. Is it allowed to say Fuck Off on this forum? I can't remember.*

^This

Because it's so easy being sat in a room every night, wishing you were at home doing all those things. Whilst not physically awful, it's mentally awful, but sometimes has to be done.

Thanks for the update. Sounds a lot more positive!

phil of course it’s mentally awful but so is being responsible for ALL the childcare and domestic responsibilities.
Yes it sometimes need to be done and having experience of all the different scenarios here I know who has the easier life.

100 miles isn't that long? It would cost an absolute fortune in fuel.

Plus time. You would have at least 1 h 30 mins commute a day.

I spent over 4 hours in the car yesterday travelling 70 odd miles each way. No way could I do that daily.

ANother thought on this: is your DH good at his job and actually overlooked for promotion because although his boss says he's good and makes promises that never come to fruition, that's because his boss thinks he'll never go anywhere and can keep him on low pay without a promotion?

Might be an idea for him to take the job offer in and talk it over with the boss and see if he can promote him + a pay rise for him to stay?(if he gets it, if not for your DH to be sure to tell someone at work he's applied so bossman gets to hear he's looking at moving on)