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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not happy about dh's new job

153 replies

amy1008 · 13/11/2019 10:28

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

OP posts:
Miketv3 · 13/11/2019 12:05

The older I get the more I look back and question why I made such stupid decisions in the past. When you are young and everyone is giving the message that you must be successful, must have this, must have that, you just suck it in and off you go on the treadmill of work. Work has become people’s lives and it is often at the cost of family. The one thing that a child values more than anything is time with their family. His plan sounds ridiculous. I would also question why you spend so much time out of the house too. 6.30-5.30 is 11 hours a day. Is your commute a long one?

VardySheWrote · 13/11/2019 12:05

don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them.

I know of not one couple who has split or cheated because they had to be separated during the week Hmm

It all depends why and for how long the arrangements are scheduled for.

Seaweed42 · 13/11/2019 12:05

There is more to life than money and career. You already have to commute 45mins.
It sounds like he is only taking this job because it was handed to him on a plate/someone in his work encouraged him to take it?
He can only move jobs if a trusted 'other' helps him make that move.
Otherwise I'm sure there were plenty of career moves within a 100 mile radius of your house in the past 5 years?? Or is his job so highly specialised that only a handful of people exist who do this job?

CosmoK · 13/11/2019 12:06

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them

This 100%

yeahyh · 13/11/2019 12:07

A job shouldn't cost you money. He's talking about taking a job which costs you money, takes time away from his child and pushes more burden onto you. That's madness.

VardySheWrote · 13/11/2019 12:07

I would also question why you spend so much time out of the house too. 6.30-5.30 is 11 hours a day.

stupid question, because some of us have to earn a living?

I leave the house before 7:30, usually by 7am - and I am not back before 7pm when I am early, 8 or later on a more usual day. That's life. My kids are fine, ever heard about quality above quantity?

PsychosonicCindy · 13/11/2019 12:07

Definitely don't choose the option where your 4 year old is at school from 7.30 til 6pm that's way too long imo.

Doggybiccys · 13/11/2019 12:12

What a difficult position to be in OP. I can see both sides but on the whole, I think he is being a bit unfair.

That said, unless a move would see you unemployed, I'd be tempted to go - he does have a point about the age thing - when I started approaching mid to late 40s, my friend and supervisor warned me I was getting to a "certain age" that could work against me for the types of jobs I was qualified for (e.g. not an award winning research scientist who is likely to be headhunted). So that could be a genuine fear. I've seen the resentment (in both sexes) when people hit their own ceiling and end up with some young whippersnapper as their superior. Although I have seen both male and female like this, it is predominately men I think.

Your DD is young enough to move schools. She's currently young and doesn't get much of a say / doesn't really know the outside world. Wait until she's a little older and wanting play dates and after school activities/clubs and you are trying to do all this on your own - would be sheer torture.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/11/2019 12:15

don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them

Dp have been doing it quite happily for the best part of 40 years.

In fact i think we both prefer it.

Retirement is going to be the testing time

Curtainly · 13/11/2019 12:17

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them

Do you know many couples who do this? It's not overly common, so to know seemingly loads all of who have split is quite impressive.

In this case as there is no real financial benefit, no real career boost by the sound of it other than a promotion on paper as he might not have opportunities down the line, and it will be hugely detrimental to you and your daughter, then you aren't being unreasonable at all. That said, he is evidently unhappy where he is, and it sounds surprising that he feels there isn't anything career wise for him in the SE. It's trick as like others have said, either of you may grow resentful, but hopefully he will find something local. Maybe take living away off of the table and ask him to do the drive in rush hour, that will probably put him off. I'm all for being supportive of eachother, but there has to be a limit in my opinion of what's reasonable.

Winesalot · 13/11/2019 12:17

Would DD be in nursery 7.30 - 6.30 for all 5 days if he worked from home one day a week? Or just 3 or 4 longer days and one or two shorter days.

CosmoK · 13/11/2019 12:22

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them

Do you know many couples who do this? It's not overly common, so to know seemingly loads all of who have split is quite impressive

It's very common in some sectors. My DH is one of only a handful
of senior managers in his organisation who go home to their family every night. The vast majority live a way during the week.

My ex worked away during the week and it absolutely contributed to us splitting up. The vast majority of his team have either split or had serious relationship issues too.

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 12:22

The one th8ng I haven’t seen you mention @amy1008 is the effect such a move will have on YOU.
As in, on an everyday basis, what cost will you pay to have go away 4 days a week? I’m thinking taking DC to school/CM, being the only one who can stay with her at home if she ill. Being the one and only person responsible for everything in the he and child related (because it will as you're the one there during the week). No chance to go to the gym, exercise, see friends during the week as he won’t be there to look after his dc in the evening. The list can go on.
Has he actually thought about what it would mean for you in reality? Would he be happy to do that if role were reversed and would he actually be able to do it??

Chewbecca · 13/11/2019 12:23

My DH did a 2+ hour each way daily commute when DS was little. It was necessary for his career at the time and after 4 years or so he got the right job 45mins away which he probably wouldn’t have got without the further away role.

It was hard, he was out of the house 630-730 minimum every day but was worth it in the end.

I picked up the slack with a little childcare thrown in, working around him. I then picked my hours up again when DH’s role moved back locally and again when childcare no longer needed. It’s not forever.

Miketv3 · 13/11/2019 12:24

Yes I have. Quality time over quantity of hours. I’ve been the same in the past but not now. Make as much money as I need for doing as little as possible is my way of doing things. It’s great, id encourage anyone who can do so, to do it. Everyone has a choice of how they earn a living and where they go to earn it. It’s not always about earning money and how much you have yet so many people are slaves to their jobs becomes they have chosen lifestyles that make their choice of job necessary.

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 12:26

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them

I would agree with that.
Dh did that (starting on the month Dc1 was due Hmm) and carrying for the following 6 years. He doesn’t have a high flying job but his job was customer focused so he spent about 3 days a week away (similar than what the OP’s DH is suggesting). It was horrible for me as not only did I do it all (with no family support either) but he was also expecting to be able to relax once back at home from his travels....

CorBlimeyGovenor · 13/11/2019 12:26

Well, tough. It's not fair on you to be looking after your child whilst he's away from home. And it doesn't sound like you can afford this. Has he actually been offered the job? Does he even know that he could work from home one day a week? Perhaps at least reluctantly let him apply. There will be a chance that he doesn't get it anyway.

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2019 12:29

If you can avoid your DD having to do such a long day then I think you should.

Goldenchildsmum · 13/11/2019 12:29

His ego needs a job promotion so you and DD have to suffer?

Fuck that

Hollachica · 13/11/2019 12:30

My commute is 1 1/2 hours each way, I try 3 days in the office 2 at home. I take the main line train into London from about 100 miles away.

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 12:30

Re hitting a ceiling because he is getting older.
When is he going to support the OP so she doesn’t hit her own ceiling? They are afterall working at a similar level (similar income, both full time). Or is that it doesn’t matter if SHE hits a ceiling but it matters if HE does??

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 12:35

I also think that a case like @Chewbecca is different because her DH did a big part of the hard work. The 4hours commute and he was at home during the night so available if there was an emergency with a child that is ill and needs looking after etc...

The OP situation goes as

  • he has the life of a single man 4 days a week, can go out, exercise, see friends etc etc
  • she has the short hand of the stick with all the responsibilities falling into her shoulders rather being shared (I’m assuming)
For that to work, there would need to have a lot in place so she doesn’t get resentful of being on her own most of the time.
Winesalot · 13/11/2019 12:35

There is a massive difference between having to drive and being on a train. If he can commute by train and be home each night, that is very well worth it. He could potentially work on the train too.

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 12:36

Plus wouldn’t her dd be distressed at the idea of her dad being away so often??

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 12:36

Missing key info: what is the labour market like near where you live? Job availability in both your fields?

If the key issue is that you’re in the sticks where there are few jobs within commuting distance, it might make sense for you all to move somewhere with more jobs.

If the labour market is reasonable then DH’s proposal is U and likely to be detrimental to your work, and family life/relationship.