To not happy about dh's new job

[amy1008]

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

He's presented this is a fait accompli here, he 'hopes to move back in a couple of years', there's no other way to get a senior role, you must change your hours to achieve this for him, YOU will be the one doing the parenting most of the week/sorting childcare/taking time off when your child is ill, etc.

@amy1008

Of course YANBU, and ignore the 'I commute a 200 mile round-trip every single day' brigade. The vast majority of people don't do this. It would be madness, and a total waste of life, and would, in most cases, not be practicable.

You BOTH have to be on board with this.

DH wanted to move 300 miles north some 5 years ago, when his workplace offered a chance of a transfer. I did not want to go to Scotland to live. No way was I moving away from our friends and family. So I refused.

The place he WOULD have gone to has since closed down, and he would have lost his job. So it was the right decision anyway.

Stick to your guns. Tell him not to take the job, because you will end up moving. Because a 200 mile (round-trip,) commute every day is not going to work long-term. It will be impossible to keep it up.

I'd upsticks and move now for the sake of giving and supporting this career opportunity for your DH OP. One young child in reception with no family nearby doesn't constitute what I'd describe as being hugely anchored geographically. If your job has more portability and his doesn't why not try this? Your child will be just fine and is young enough to make this move now in your lives.

Sounds like a lot of loss to you and the family just for his ego of getting a promotion.

Like others have said, it sounds like you will end up doing a lot more work in terms of child care, despite the fact that you also have a full time job, and your DD will be uprooted from her school and friends for no apparent reason.

Perhaps you can discuss and make plans to move to an area of the country with more work opportunities for both of you, in a few years when it is all planned so that you don't have to live separately for part of the week and he can wait for a job opportunity that works for his family and not just for himself?

It would be ok if one of you was a sahp to do all domestics and child rearing, but not working ft.
The four year old is out of the house a long time, I bet the poor soul is knackered.
maybe both look at your jobs and finding something that works for all 3 of you.

Commute each way 4 days a week and work from home 1 day.

I agree with you that this does not sound like a good idea. Crap family life, lots of stress, negative financial impact, not great for your DD and no guarantee of a more senior job closer to home.

I'm interested in the house purchase in Jan. Was that not done in the context of 'we see ourselves here for a few years'. It seems a bit odd to buy a house in an area you already know you can't get a more senior role. As in, at which point did your DH decide that this area wasn't right?

Firstly congratulations on the new home.
You sound reasonable but so does Dh in a way. It seems like he needs the new role and is willing to travel and look up for opportunities near your current home. It's a senior role so definitely growth. I understand why u r unhappy... I would be too. Try to talk it out. I suggest stay out in your job but let him try this new move. I know someone who changed 3 jobs in less than 6 months and is working in a senior role. Hope it works out well for you.

Are you sure he doesn't just want a divorce/break from family life and this is his way of projecting that? His argument doesn't add up, at all, especially financially, and is incredibly selfish of him.

good grief, some posters REALLY have issues and love a drama don't they. I am embarrassed for you.

Do you agree with his assessment that there are no jobs near you?

Why didn’t he discuss his career frustrations before you bought a house in January?

Where do you live that the nearest town/city is 100 miles away?!

No way would I be agreeing to this, it is madness from all angles.

His frustration has given him tunnel vision. Has he considered a sideways move into a different sector that would offer more opportunity for progression?

I’m of the work to live not live to work mindset and I think taking the job - causing every member of your household major inconvenience and stress - sounds like a crap life choice.

You have managed to find a system that works for your family and your husbands priority at the moment should be his family and young child, not money or his career or his ego. If he wants to change jobs he needs to find one that works for your family and enhances your lives rather than makes them worse.

You say you have a 45-minute commute yourself - is that in the same direction as the new job? If so, could you move somewhere closer to both?

The idea of DH staying away 1-3 nights a week for no financial benefit would be a non-starter for me.

Is it possible he's having a bit of a career freakout and not thinking clearly? It sounds like he might be so desperate to move up the ladder he's convinced himself this is the only way. But as others have said, the financial and lifestyle hit doesn't seem to be worth it, especially if there's no guarantee it's a temporary move. Maybe hash out the question of whether there really is no chance of progression where you are now, and if not then look at making a time-bound plan to move when dd is older and you can both find something? That way he knows he has an 'out' from the junior role and you're working together towards something you agree on rather than developing resentments?

I think you need to have a really good think about what your longer term plan is, as in next ten years.

The first question would be - why are you in the area you are, and do you actively WANT to stay there? Forget things like schools (and even school-mum friends - these things are actually transient and you'll be surprised how quickly the time goes) and houses - these can be bought and sold. We're talking long term family and financial stategic plan.

From what I can see, your current location means that:

• your DH can't progress in his career without a big commute
• you also have a 45 min commute so it's not as if you're local either
• you have no family there so not as if it's the 'home' location.

So first Q to think through is WHY are you there and is it worth it? Where are you - a reasonable small commuter town you just ended up in and are now fairly settled, or your dream village you wanted to move to for a decade? If the latter - that's a positive REASON to stay and make things work from there. In that case, you do need to look at DH commuting termporarily in order to get the longer-term goal of a better job more locally. If the former - have a very good think on whether it would be ultimately worth it to bite the bullet and move now, because in five years you'd be settled in new place, but with more money and less commuting?

This brings us to your job. You say you like it, fine. Now, again think in ten-year-plan mode. Do you LOVE your job and will it progress you, is it exactly where you want to be OR is it just a job you like and it's fine but you could realistically do that move and in 2 years end up in a job you like just as much in the new town? Have a think. Is it a career, or a job?

Finally. What's your DH like? Does 'he can't find a management position nearer' translate as he's never really been arsed to look and now this job has landed he wants to go for it, or has he totally exhausted all avenues and this really is genuinely his only option to progress career wise? You know him - is he to be trusted here?

So in a nutshell- think ten years ahead and think about the really BIG things. Where do you ultimately see yourselves living. Do you know for a fact that to stay solvent and ok you are actually going to have to change jobs at some point. What kind of life do you both want. Because - short term pain for long term gain could be what this is about. Or it could be that you've got an annoying DH who isn't really thinking in context as to what is really best for the family.

Thanks everyone for your reply. They're really helpful. For the past few days, I kept feeling I was a short sighted women who was dragging her husband down

Last move was for work too. But it was before dd. We were much younger. So not a problem. Having a child changes everything. The recent house purchase was an upgrade. It was like a dream house for both of us. We knew he wanted to change job then, but still thought he could get something close.

To be honest, I don't believe his promise either. I personally think he should take whatever he can find locally, and keep searching. We are in the southeast, there's a lot of companies in his field. He is in some kind of 'crisis mode'.
Keeps worrying in a few years time, no one would offer a junior job to someone 'old' like him, if he can't move up soon.

I guess I could find a job near his new job. But also need to consider the house, school and moving away from everyone we know (again!)

You either need to go with him and change jobs schools etc, or else this new job isn't practical.

DH and I have done the weekdays away thing when DS was 4. We did it because he'd been made redundant, there was nothing local and it was a well paid temp contract. I was working partime so nannies etc weren't an issue. We did it for less than 6 months and it would have been miserable for all of us if it had gone on longer. With no fixed end in sight and no real likelihood of a good local job for him you will probably end up having to move anyway.

How long ago was your previous move? And why did you make it - his job, your job, other reasons?

Oh his new job is not finalised. But he's probably the only candidate now.

Are you thinking of having another baby any time soon? If you are you may be understandably worried about the impact this career move would make on those plans. It might be at the back of your mind and influencing your thought processes.

actually I think he has a point about timing.... I would wonder why someone has stayed in a junior role for so long if tehy had potential and desire to do better...
Im with Fizzy you bothe need to think longer term..... and also not resenting each other stopping development.....working is a big part of time so I wouldnt want to be stuck either....

Is your job moveable ? you already have a 45min commute each way so its hardly handy.......

Could you move half way? could he try it for 6months - I wouldnt commute 100miles but know lots of people that live away for a few days in the middle of the week.... they arent 'chasing a single life' but going where the work is....

Look at it an plan it together - there are a number ofoptions for him to take it - there is also having a serious look at whats closer ....If he can get this job - where are the others like it.....
It is much easer to get a more senior role once you are in one - so coudl it be a 6-12 month pain for a longer gain........

just because you have bought a house should not make you both 'stuck' there.... life is about more than bricks and mortar...
moving a child in reception/early primary is much easier than later on....

I think I am different to most posters but I think now is a good time for him to make this move. You seemed settled - your child is young enough to be able to do lots of basic things themselves like get themselves dressed etc - but they are not yet at that age where they have lots of after school clubs or help with homework. He is unhappy now and wants to make a change which will hopefully give him better job prospects longer term. You would be holding him back if you said no - and holding him back for how long? Your daughter has at least 10 years of schooling fo go!

This sounds like a tricky situation. My brother used to work in Chester and left his wife and children at home. At the time that was the only work, he could get that would maintain the financial security. He then changed jobs (he's a contractor) and worked within a commutable distance but my sister-in-law still had to do the school run and pick me up despite working as a teacher herself.

He's now changing jobs again but this is a WFH home role so he'll pick up a lot of the school runs and pick up whilst my sister-in-law starts to volunteer at the local school after becoming a full time mum.

Sometimes getting a job far away IS the only option but I don't understand why it's not commutable? I live in the midlands and London is over 100 miles away yet I know many people who commute on a daily basis. Are there no trains that could help cut down his commute or so he can work on the train and leave earlier?

Why is he even thinking of accepting a 'more senior' role which will mean you are down £1500 each month?

Is he expecting rapid pay growth / bonuses?

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them.

It is really difficult to make this work. Currently we do it with a high schooler and I am working freelance from home. Husband lives away most of week and gets home Friday night. His job is about 100 miles away but to commute is usually 2-2 1/2 hours one way because of traffic. If very lucky it is 90 mins, it has been 4 hours. He also works long hours so it is not safe to commute daily.

For those saying people do it frequently so it is no problem! I also used to commute daily doing a similar distance to DH but on a much less congested motorway and less city traffic. Sometimes it was only 55 mins, sometimes it was 90 mins. It can be done but only if no overtime worked. His commute of same distance is usually double.

Only OP knows realistically what the time taken will be when peak hour traffic and however many incidents on roads taken into account.

As far as how living away will effect family dynamic, It depends on the individual. There is potential for a great deal of feeling isolated even with lots of daily contact. And yes, a feeling of resentment can build particularly if there is no family support for the one at home.

You are right to be wary. It can impact the family hugely but it can be done if the job is worth it. But it does have to be a joint decision.