To not happy about dh's new job

[amy1008]

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

We are in the southeast, there's a lot of companies in his field

So why does he have to look at jobs 100 miles away.

If he is so worried about being stuck would he be better off changing tack slightly with the skills he has and apply for management roles in different industries locally or within an easier commute then after a couple of years return to the industry he is in now at a couple of levels above where he is now.

I can only go by dps career but sometimes companies want people who haven’t stuck to one industry but have experienced different businesses, it shows flexibility and that the person works well with different challenges.

Is tour dh getting hyper focussed on one aspect and not really seeing the wood for the trees

My work is in the opposite direction. I work long hours but I get paid for overtime (he doesn't). Reducing my hour is another negative impact on our finances.
I'm already barely coping now. After taking dd home, I got to cook, play with her and put her to bed. Dh's current job is 10mins from home. He usually comes back at 7.
My job is more about skills and experiences. Position is less important. My 'ceiling' salary wise is higher than his.

Keeps worrying in a few years time, no one would offer a junior job to someone 'old' like him, if he can't move up soon.

I think that's a valid worry. You have to think about his career in the longer term, surely?

I don't think it would be that disruptive to move, TBH, and it sounds like a better solution than him commuting/part-time renting and driving up your costs so much.

You’re in the south east?! If within a reasonable commuting time of big cities then DH is being VU!

We did the living separately in the week thing for a number of years.
Then we got divorced.

Personally I wouldn't agree to this. Sounds like you're managing financially, have decent careers, can afford holidays, have just bought your dream house, and it's still not enough for your DH. Why the sudden need to disrupt everything for a promotion?

Why should your Dd spend longer in childcare, reduce time with her Dad (presumably he's a decent parent when he is around) and place more pressure on you for parenting, housekeeping, at the same time as reducing the family income, just for a job? Selfish, or he's having a mid life crisis. I would be wanting to have a serious discussion about your relationship, attitude to family life/parenting values. It sounds like you're incompatible on your future desires.

If you are in the SE I am surprised your DH can only find a role so far away. Is there anything he could do to improve his prospects eg training courses. Even a sideways move into a slightly different role if it had better progression.
It does feel like you will end up doing the heavy lifting to support his career ambitions without much thought from him of the impact on you.

It's actually not that far. Only because there's no direct traffic link.
We are in Oxfordshire, the new job is in Cambridge. Train is not an option. He will have to go down M40, M25 and then M11.

We are managing well finally now. I think he is having a mid life crisis.

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option.

Wholeheartedly agree. My DH was offered a "promotion" which meant he would be away from 6am Monday to around 9pm on Friday. We had DD4 and a newborn. I made it very clear that I wasn't overly pleased about it but if the pay rise justified the hours he was working then I would learn to cope. We desperately need to buy a bigger house and he assured me we would be able to do this because of this brilliant new job.

Fast forward six months and he's never fucking here, I do everything, he earns £150 (!!) a month more and we're still stuck in this shitty house. He keeps telling me that this job is giving him "skills" to get him something better but in all honestly, I don't care any more. I've already checked out of this marriage and resent him hugely for leaving me here to do everything.

Depends where in the south east? I wouldn’t want to commute 100 miles either, my 30 is bad enough now. I may do it if the salary was way too good to turn down, but even then I’d look to move eventually. As an example, Birmingham is about 90 miles from me, around 90 minutes by train/90 minutes-2 hours by car. BUT I’m assuming I wouldn’t be working on the platform of New Street station and I don’t live on the platform of my hometown station either, so 15 minutes at either end can be added on.

DH encouraged me to apply for a job there a couple of years ago (didn’t even get an interview) and I said I wouldn’t want that commute (I’ve done similar previously) and if I got the job we’d have to move closer. I did apply as I was unemployed at the time. He was similar to pp on here “Plenty of people do it.” So fucking what?! I don’t want to waste up to 4 hours each day travelling and having no downtime/time to do hobbies - just eat, bed, work in a continuous cycle.

OP, I would look at moving closer. It’s a ballache as you’ve only recently moved but.... Has he said why he thinks he won’t get a senior role nearby? Is it that he needs experience of being senior and feels this will open up more opportunities in general?

That is a horrible commute. He cannot do that every day. Are there really no jobs in his field closer?

May I ask why he has been stuck in a junior role for so many years? Have opportunities not been available? Did he go for them but not be successful? Why? Are there no opportunities in his company?

Asa family you need to think about what is important to you. For me it is a live-work balance that probably means the opportunities to progress are very limited - same as my hubby. But we are happy with that and have a good life and see each other the right amount. No long commutes and flexibility in both our roles. It’s a pay off - what is the point of doing something that has so many short term negatives for the family and no guarantee of longer term wins??

He's really having you on. You're already doing most of the work, now he wants to leave even more to you and you're down 1500 quid a month as well? And change your hours? NFW. 'Mid-life crisis' my fucking arse. Why's it always men who are allowed to have these? Women just grow the fuck up and crack on with it.

'This does not work for our family. It's not acceptable.'

Because it isn't.

Don't tie yourself in knots trying to make this workable, he wouldn't do the same for you.

*It's actually not that far. Only because there's no direct traffic link.
We are in Oxfordshire, the new job is in Cambridge. Train is not an option. He will have to go down M40, M25 and then M11.

We are managing well finally now. I think he is having a mid life crisis.*

If he's insistent on doing this then I'm sorry to say that your marriage may not last.

He stayed in the same role because his boss kept promising him things ( long term big pictures which never happened). He chose to believe them because he's naive/lazy. To me, an outsider, there's a lot of companies in his field nearby. But to him, many roles require different skill set. His previous experience would be somehow useless.
I'm the work to live type. I think the difference is, in my area, I can see many people spend their whole life working in a junior role but doing very technical work and earning a decent salary. He is in a relatively new industry. There's no older workers apart from the managers and the bosses.

£1500 / mth ....Are you sure? Sounds an awful lot. Aren't there any affordable hotels like travelodges near his new role where booking in advance gets a great deal?

You're not being unreasonable by the way. You're completely entitled to your opinion and say in this as it affects your family.... but bear in mind that once he has secured a more senior role that might stand him in better stead to get another senior role locally.

So basically he wants you to make all the sacrifices so he can do what HE wants to do.
Nice.....

£1500 / mth ....Are you sure? Sounds an awful lot. Aren't there any affordable hotels like travelodges near his new role where booking in advance gets a great deal?

Seriously? Of course that's entirely realistic. LOL @ 'great deals' on hotels - if you're in the SE they aren't going to charge peanuts no more how far in advance you book. Even taken a train or fueled up your car to drive 200 miles lately? I went 208 miles using public transport last week, used ticket splitting/cost cutting and bought it two months in advance. It cost me £120.

Childcare, nannies are not a cheap option.

OP, just tell him it's unacceptable as a family. It's not fair, it's not workable, it's not affordable and if he insists on doing so he's doing it without your consideration and to think long and hard about what he really wants in life because insisting on this is totally selfish and inconsiderate to everyone but himself.

Fuck that.

Sorry, missed out quotes: £1500 / mth ....Are you sure? Sounds an awful lot. Aren't there any affordable hotels like travelodges near his new role where booking in advance gets a great deal?

Whatever you do, don't take the "living separately during the working week" option. Every single couple I know who has done this has ended up splitting or in a crisis (affair) that almost split them

Not us. We are academics though, and 'living apart together' (LAT) is the norm, lots of people live in separate parts of the country or even separate countries and commute on the weekends. I liked it- all week to get on with work and kids and nice weekends which are more romantic than the daily grind.

Why do you describe him as being “stuck in the same junior role for years” and then say you both work full time and earn a similar amount? Why is the pressure on him to get a more senior role and earn more money but not you? If he can’t get a more senior role where you currently live and you don’t want to move house then perhaps it’s you that should be looking for a job that pays more.

That would be a very long day for your daughter. Also, I don't see why anyone would think it's a good idea to take on a new job with a pay rise that then results in being out more in accomodation/childcare etc, it simply makes no sense.

It's all very unfair on you and your daughter.

What are job prospects for dh like in the area that you commute to? What are the job prospects like for you in new area? You could remove both commutes in one fell swoop?

i can understand your DH. if he is unhappy in his job and cannot find another one he feels desperate. You spend a lot of time at work, so you want it to be happy time.
If he takes this job, he hopes that from senior role it is easier to find senior role nearby after a couple of years. it is harder to get promotion.