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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obsessive friend turned nasty

177 replies

Juliephine · 13/11/2019 00:37

Hi all just a bit of advice....
I have a friend who has been wanting my daughter more and more including putting her hubby on her birth cert so as a friend in case anything happened to me (I know alarm bells legal rights etc)
Over the course of the last 12 months she has been making various comments to me about how to parent, making me feel inadequate, and i've taken it and taken it.
Final straw she accused me of being neglectful anf endangering my child because I fell asleep for an hour and my child managed to paint herself whilst I was asleep.
Then she said my child had worms great big ones so I went to the chemist just incase and got her meds
Then the next day she said oh well your child is small because she had such a large worm burden.
Now my girl had a lot of health issues as a baby and has had heart surgery she has now being discharged from all doctors as she is healthy and absolutely thriving. Sees dietitian every 6 months just for height and weight check but looking to discharge as shes gone from slightly less than 4th percentile to nearly pushing past 9th percentile Smile
I went away and thought about everything this friend has said and has been saying... Long story short I ended up in tears and blurting everything out at nursery.
They said she has certainly NOT had worms she is happy and an absolute delight so kind and caring.
That the paint is 1 of those things it washes off and that I told them straight away also shows I have nothing to hide and am certainly not neglectingy child in anyway.

Sorry long story but said friend messages me saying why haven't I spoken to her last few days so managed to pluck up the courage to say well you have basically accused me of chid neglect and told me my daughter is small because of a massive worm burden.

Needless to say she didn't like it I wasn't rude just direct. So has been barraging me with texts telling me what a bad person and awful insecure mother I am that my child will end up with a negative and hostile view of the world because of me etc
I'm worried as a family member is also my landlord

What do all you guys think of this ?
Thanks

OP posts:
nachthexe · 13/11/2019 01:35

Goodness. If you DID put her husband down as the father, get that sorted out right now. Like yesterday.
Do you have any trusted relatives or more stable friends that can help you through this? You sound very vulnerable.

Apolloanddaphne · 13/11/2019 01:50

Crikey she sounds unhinged. You need to cut her right out of your life.

AutumnCrow · 13/11/2019 01:55

Goodness, as my ExMiL used to frequently say at times like this.

CeridwenTheWitch · 13/11/2019 02:03

She sounds crazy, get her husband removed from the birth certificate immediately, block her and never speak to her again. Then read up about people with Cluster B personality disorders and read up about setting and maintaining boundaries. You're not a neglectful parent, your friend sounds absolutely toxic.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/11/2019 02:16

The “friend” sounds dangerous but I see your concern over housing if you fall out with her. What’s your current contract with the landlord? If you have a reasonably secure one then block this “friend” and cut her off. If it’s fairly precarious or about to end in a few months start looking for other housing now, placate the friend but stop following any of her advice without getting an independent second opinion. Just nod and agree and then do your own thing.

I am a little concerned you went out and bought your daughter worm medication without verifying she had worms for yourself. I’m hoping you didn’t just give it to her because of what your friend said and, certainly, that you didn’t put her husband on the child’s birth certificate. But if you have been following her advice somewhat blindly try not to panic about it now. Just take a step back, stop doing it. Work out if there’s anything that could be damaging going forward (like the birth certificate) and get advice on what you can do about it. Then, maybe, consider some counseling to work out what made you so vulnerable and build up your ability to stand against it in the future.

WagtailRobin · 13/11/2019 02:57

She sounds dangerous, as in someone demented enough to cause all sorts of problems for you in completely malicious ways.

From what you have said she is blatantly trying her best to undermine you as a parent and to make you doubt yourself, you need to cut her loose asap. I hope you did not put her husband's name on the birth certificate?

As for a family member of hers being your landlord, that is certainly a complication and I would be looking for new accommodation ASAP if I was you, otherwise you will never fully be able to extract yourself from her.

Is her husband your child's father? Honestly, stop letting her into your head, ignore everything she says, look for somewhere new to live, do not tell her any of your business, cut her off as soon as possible.

isabellerossignol · 13/11/2019 03:03

Isn't it an offence to knowingly put the wrong father's name on a birth certificate?

Pixiedust1973 · 13/11/2019 03:42

This reply has been deleted

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mathanxiety · 13/11/2019 04:41

Please, please, tell us you did not pout the friend's husband on your child's birth cert Shock Shock Shock

Did you?????

You need to get away from the home you are now living in and stop all contact with this dangerous and very disturbed woman and her husband.

How difficult would it be for you to move?
Please contact Shelter.
www.shelter.org.uk/

CJsGoldfish · 13/11/2019 04:47

The only bit that sounds crazy is the birth certificate business. I don''t believe that anyone would be stupid enough to put a random on and don't believe your friend would suggest it.

I don't know how old your child is but it probably wasn't the best that she was left alone for an hour. Friend probably could have kept it to herself though.

Don't see any issue with the rest. 'Worms' have long been a reason for kids being hungry or thin or even naughty and as kids, we were wormed regularly whether we had them or not. Of course, we probably didn't have them and neither did all of the hungry, thin or naughty children. Thankfully we've learnt since then but your friend clearly hasn't gotten the memo.
Nursery couldn't have known that your child definitely didn't have them btw.

AlwaysCheddar · 13/11/2019 04:55

Did you put her dh on birth certificate????

Rickandportly · 13/11/2019 05:05

I’m really hoping this thread is bullshit.

If not, I’d be logging her communications with the police as it sounds as if you’ll need a paper trail. She sounds unwell.

custardbear · 13/11/2019 05:06

It really sounds like she wants your child - did you say her family member is your landlord? That would worry me in case she has a sneaky key - I'd bolt the front and back dioors at night

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2019 05:07

Oh my. I agree with grey rocking her / them. You can also report her to the police for harassment. Do you have written messages demanding her husband be put on the birth certificate ?

OrangeCinnamon · 13/11/2019 05:42

@Juliephine were you in a vulnerable situation when your child was born ? Do you rely on this 'friend' in any way for childcare etc? What is situation with family member/landlord. This all sounds very worrying

Original poster
Juliephine · 13/11/2019 05:50

Sorry for late reply everyone is echoing how I felt thanks.
Oh no not father not on birth certificate its just me on there.
I kid you not I check her regular for any little friends as I know how easily that they can get them.
I have spoken to my daughters nursery to let them know whats going on and they have been really supportive.
Oh this friend has made me out to be a truely awful person and that I neglect my daughter.
I got her worm meds as this friend and her sister took me down to the chemist with I need them now etc and I was concerned that I didn't see them etc have I dropped the ball.

OP posts:
PrimeraVez · 13/11/2019 05:51

i mean this in the nicest possible way, but you sound very vulnerable and in a potentially very serious situation. can i suggest talking to your GP or health visitor for some advice and support?

MollyButton · 13/11/2019 05:55

You need to block her. If she turns up tell her to go away. And if she continues get advice on blocking her harassment.
I might also talk to nursery about her harassment (and maybe even pre-emptively contact SS to tell them someone you used to be friendly with seems to have an unhealthy interest in your DD and you are concerned she might make malicious allegations).
I would also suggest you make a Will ASAP and make someone (maybe your sister) a Guardian for your DD.

Flowers
Allthecake89 · 13/11/2019 05:56

She sounds weird and creepy. How old is your DD? If you are so tired in the future pop them in their pushchair infront of the tele and set your phone alarm for 20 minutes time. I've only does that twice when I've felt incredibly rubbish, but they are contained and able to wake you up if they need you. Sometimes mums are exhausted and it isn't neglect.

Does your friend have kids? I'd cut her off as she sounds the sort who would report you to social services. Tell her to concentrate on her own life x

Original poster
Juliephine · 13/11/2019 05:59

I had an awful time we were both in hospital months and the friend came in as a help etc.
I needed to move as my old house was damp and the solution was her sisters house.
Its fully under contract and also deposit held in scheme etc.
So yes came in at a vunrable time in my life and wanted to help and have her over to stay with the oh yes every parent needs a break and gradually the under mining and the making me feel unfit came in.

Yes she has a child much older.

I am late replying as I had turned my phone on silent after a rather a lot of messages received last night... Stating how much I hurt her how much she loved my daughter and how i've destroyed her and their relationship due to me being a negative persn who wants no one in their life.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2019 06:01

Primavez.

Good idea. Julie I think talking to your health Visitor would be the best option if you can organise something. Preferably in your own home so that you can relax. They’re usually female and have more than 5 minutes to talk to you. They are there for women, who are / are feeling vulnerable or just need some help and advice.

You can go to the citizens advice bureau for advice on both Accommodation and harassment.

TrixieFranklin · 13/11/2019 06:01

No way !?

Original poster
Juliephine · 13/11/2019 06:03

Yes it is and it has major legal implications.

I was just shocked that was even a suggestion.

Fear not I would never do that. Her birth cert just has my name on it

OP posts:
BryanAdamsLeftAnkle · 13/11/2019 06:04

I mean this in the nicest possible way.

You need to move, you are being bullied and it has to stop.

Stop looking for little friends. It's not necessary to be checking frequently.

Lock your door, block her number. Tell her she's no longer welcome to your home.

Speak to your health visitor for support and tell her everything that is going on.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/11/2019 06:11

Block her and start looking for somewhere else to live so you can cut all ties to her. I wouldn’t put it past her to get to you through her sister.
You sound rather vulnerable and need better boundaries. None of this is okay. She is BATSHIT.