AIBU about friend moving in with my DM?

[MrsTWH]

A friend of mine has recently sold her house and her new property isn’t ready to complete on yet. She has a DH and 2 small children (3 and 2). She rang me, stressing and crying that she would be homeless for a few weeks and didn’t know what to do. My DM in her late 70s lives on her own and has plenty of room, and I thought she would appreciate a bit of extra money before Christmas. I spoke to my DM and she said she would happily do it and would really benefit from a bit of rent for a month. I put them in touch and left them to it to arrange and check they were all happy with arrangements. I had no concerns about it, she’s a lovely person.

They have moved in and been there for 2 weeks. My DM is at the end of her tether, and called me in tears today. Apparently they are extremely untidy and messy and don’t clean up after themselves. She said it took her 2 hours to clean her kitchen today and they’ve ruined several pans. They’ve eaten all her food, even though she has given them cupboards and fridge freezer space. They don’t wash up. They have stained her Dining chairs, ruined 2 tablecloths, feed their kids on her cream sofa rather than at the dining table. She said there are make up and toiletries stains all over the bathroom and walls. They’ve ruined some of her towels. Kids toys, clothes, dirty dishes everywhere. Dirt trodden into carpets. They leave the kids in bed at the weekends until they’ve had a lie in so my mum is disturbed by crying and whinging from 6am onwards until they decide to get up at 10am. They have decided to take advantage of having my mum around and go out most evenings when the kids are in bed and leave my mum to babysit. They keep turning the heating up to 25 degrees, they bath and shower twice a day and bath the kids separately. She said she was only offered £400 rent for all 4 of them including bills and is upset that it is going to cost her more than that in bills and to replace the things that have been ruined and to get a deep clean done when they leave.

AIBU to think that my friend is utterly taking the piss out of my poor DM? Should I say something to her? I feel really shocked, I had no idea it would turn out like this and feel really bad about it.

In your mums defence she let them in to her home. They knew they were not behaving as they should your mum shouldn't have to say anything it's her home and they should have treated her and her home with respect. They didn't so now they are leaving.

Your mother most certainly does not owe them an apology.

They knew darn well that they were being disrespectful and taking advantage of a woman near her dotage.

Glad it's sorted.

Whilst sharing space with people can be stressful, with consideration, that your mother could clearly see, of course it might have worked.

Silly friend to not have appreciated such a kind offer.

OP, you did the right thing supporting your mother through this and have no doubt learnt something from it.

Since being on MN, the expression, "no good deed ever goes unpunished" has never resonated so much.

💐

if she’s genuinely been going out leaving the ops mum to babysit!

We don't know the exact circumstances. The woman might have asked. The mum might have offered or suggested that because the kids were asleep they should go out. But then became resentful.

OP is a third party in this and only has her mum's version. Which she now is beginning to doubt and think her mum exaggerated due to being annoyed by the presence of these people.

I just think people are very very quick to encourage people to go on the attack. Life isn't a soap opera and the normal approach should be to calmly hear people out. If they then prove themselves to be piss takers of course let them have it. But it shouldn't be the starting point. It's very hard to come back from there.

I'm obviously in a minority though.

I haven’t apologised for my voicemail as I didn’t raise my voice, I was angry but clearly stated I was pretty disgusted at the way they were treating my DM/her house and would speak to her later.
And they haven’t cleaned up after themselves, made a mess/made things dirty, kept turning the heating on 25 degrees even at night, etc. My DM
Offered to babysit for the first Sat eve only but after that they just assumed and would go out in the evening, usually separately, without asking. So she has not behaved well.
But I wish my DM had addressed it early on rather than let it fester and become a big thing, which has now clearly not ended well. I think it’s best they go, especially as they also told her the builders had pushed back their completion date again and were hoping to stay longer.
Lessons learned all round!

I agree @TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

I can’t believe your friend hasn’t come back to you! This would absolutely be the end of the friendship for me.

"They knew they weren’t behaving as they should,"

What does that even mean?

So why did they just carry on as they were??

they also told her the builders had pushed back their completion date again and were hoping to stay longer

As I mentioned upthread, it couldn't have been more obvious that this would happen

I don't know what "they knew they weren’t behaving as they should" means - it's as if they think they had no choice in their behaviour - but at least it's sorted and they're going

Lesson learned for everyone I guess, but just make sure they don't expect to stay with you instead!!

OP, in no way is this your extremely elderly mother's fault.

Who walks out of a house and just assumes without asking that an elderly woman will just babysit their children.

Appalling presumptuousness.

I think you need to give your head a bit of a shake here.

Because it's reading a bit as if you are irritated with your elderly mother that this happened.

She is the innocent party in this.

They have behaved appallingly.

They absolutely abused your mother's kindness.

The victim in this is your elderly mother.

It was not your mother's job to be having to take on this family and try and impose, order, respect for her home, and manners on them.

I would be incandescent at someone treating an elderly family member like this and bringing so much unnecessary stress into her home.

Just awful behaviour.

My DM Offered to babysit for the first Sat eve only but after that they just assumed and would go out in the evening, usually separately, without asking.
At this point she should phone one of them from her mobile and say I'm with friends out for dinner do we need any milk picking up from the supermarket while I'm here.

@billy1966 I think extremely elderly is 90's
My dad is late 70's and still in great shape.
I really don't consider him elderly.

hellsbellsmelons

I am in my early 70s and although I don't consider yourself elderly lol I certainly don't have the energy to do things I managed easily a few years ago. Your father is fortunate to be 'still in great shape', not everyone is.

Meanwhile I do hope the OP has stepped in and sorted this situation out for her mother since it was her suggestion, albeit one she thought would be to everyone's advantage.

myself NOT yourself!

have they moved out OP.

Hopefully they have moved out now without too much CF-ery.
-ry.

*CF-ery.

@sunshinesupermum - wellll.... he has had 3 bouts of cancer.
It's all been caught early and he's had the all clear for a couple of years now.

hellsbellsnmelons You stated he 'was in great shape' so naturally I believed you. Glad he is well after suffering 3 bouts of cancer.

Yes he's all good now.
Has a lot on his plate, but is healthy and wonderful.
So good for his age TBH.
So to me, he's all clear and in great shape.
Bless him.

So what happened, OP?

She's not coming back.