AIBU about friend moving in with my DM?

[MrsTWH]

A friend of mine has recently sold her house and her new property isn’t ready to complete on yet. She has a DH and 2 small children (3 and 2). She rang me, stressing and crying that she would be homeless for a few weeks and didn’t know what to do. My DM in her late 70s lives on her own and has plenty of room, and I thought she would appreciate a bit of extra money before Christmas. I spoke to my DM and she said she would happily do it and would really benefit from a bit of rent for a month. I put them in touch and left them to it to arrange and check they were all happy with arrangements. I had no concerns about it, she’s a lovely person.

They have moved in and been there for 2 weeks. My DM is at the end of her tether, and called me in tears today. Apparently they are extremely untidy and messy and don’t clean up after themselves. She said it took her 2 hours to clean her kitchen today and they’ve ruined several pans. They’ve eaten all her food, even though she has given them cupboards and fridge freezer space. They don’t wash up. They have stained her Dining chairs, ruined 2 tablecloths, feed their kids on her cream sofa rather than at the dining table. She said there are make up and toiletries stains all over the bathroom and walls. They’ve ruined some of her towels. Kids toys, clothes, dirty dishes everywhere. Dirt trodden into carpets. They leave the kids in bed at the weekends until they’ve had a lie in so my mum is disturbed by crying and whinging from 6am onwards until they decide to get up at 10am. They have decided to take advantage of having my mum around and go out most evenings when the kids are in bed and leave my mum to babysit. They keep turning the heating up to 25 degrees, they bath and shower twice a day and bath the kids separately. She said she was only offered £400 rent for all 4 of them including bills and is upset that it is going to cost her more than that in bills and to replace the things that have been ruined and to get a deep clean done when they leave.

AIBU to think that my friend is utterly taking the piss out of my poor DM? Should I say something to her? I feel really shocked, I had no idea it would turn out like this and feel really bad about it.

Wow.
At least tomorrow when you go round she cannot blame your mum for saying something. Should be ashaed of themselves. Do what you want in your own home, but they are taking the piss.

The babysitting I would shut straight down and tell them straight do it again and you will phone SS. It's irresponsible for them to do this. You don't just go and leave the dc's without checking they have someone to look after them. They would fucked if they thought your mum was in her room, and she'd gone out. Would be encouraging your mum to refind her love in her social life if possible. Yes I know SS is busy, I never said call them.

I think your idea of going round - I assume drop in unannounced- is a good one.
Also if it's as bad as you say, I think their behaviour is so bad (babysitting wtf) that there's no room for second chances. They need to pay for a jolly good clean and then leave.
You may have to be prepared for sob stories - it will be upheaval for the kids, can't afford it, we'll be different etc but stay strong.

Your poor mum. She sounds scared.

I agree with chucking them out today even if your dm has to return the money. Can you get some advice from the cab today? I presume there was no security deposit or contract so she would have to go to small claims to get compensation.

Maybe your “friend’s” house was nice because she was selling it. Some people are happy abuse other people’s houses and would never do it to their one. I also have personal experience of this.

I think Mummyoflittledragon is right, (awful, selfish) people often treat other people's houses worse than their own. I wouldn't behave like that even in an AirBnB or hotel but some people have no scruples.

Get them out asap and ask for compensation for your mum. They'll probably refuse and either way I suspect it's the end of the friendship. Sorry OP.

Wow this is appalling. Good call on going round before confronting though.

It is STRESSFUL having others living with you (even family) - and more than 3 days is usually too long.
I would just say to them they must find somewhere else. There is seldom a guarantee that the work will be finished on time, in more cases than not the work last much longer than expected.
Or get a tenancy contract from online and ask them to fill it in going forward, with a decent rate and costs.

DM definitely isn’t scared, she’s fed up.

No, there was no deposit or contract, she didn’t think she’d need one for 4 weeks. This was a mistake, clearly!

CF friend doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, she’s so nice - which is why I’m so shocked. They had a cleaner in their last place so possibly I never saw it at it’s worst, and I wonder if they are just treating my mum as if she’s their live-in cleaner without a second thought.

God that’s awful. They need to leave pronto.

This is terrible. I am also surprised that you're wondering if you should do something. Of course you should, these are virtual strangers to your mom and now they're ruining her home and her peace. CFs!!!

I'd be fuming if someone treated my mother like that. They need to pay & move out, no way they should stay another 2 weeks. Heating on 25! The cheek of them!

Your poor mum! I can't believe they had the cheek to eat her food! They need to leave asap

Totally agree with previous poster to go over as a visit to DM, surprise visit, be shocked about the state of the place with noting each of the problems and pointedly ask how this happened, then tell your friend that you’re sure she’ll recompense your DM now and further that it would be best to move out ASAP as this can’t go on. Insist they look for hotel or Airbnb while you’re there and make sure the booking is made so you know when they will be gone. Shame you can’t stay there until they’re gone so your poor DM doesn’t have to put up with any hostilities.

If she is nice enough, surely she will want to know that she is causing distress and how to fix it? She maybe overwhelmed by the changes but she also needs to be cognizant that the arrangement is not working.

Id av been straight round and kicked them straight out. Friendship over.

Some people just have no manners! They seem to be treating your Mums house like a free hotel with built in babysitting service .Get thee round there PDQ and sort it out .They move into a hotel tonight ,Pay for a deep clean ,and preferably a bouquet of flowers for being such a pair of CFS!

I am most staggered the brass neck of pissing off out and treating your mother like their live in child care! What absolute fuckers. Get them gone, now!

I would go over there and have words with your friend. If they had a cleaner at their old place they need one at your mums. They also need to replace anything they have damaged. Your mum shouldn’t be put out for helping them and your friend should be reminded that she has been helped massively by this. Even paying £400 (which is extremely cheap for a months rent) they are getting an insanely good deal.

I think I would go over and say that its not working out, because of the mess, noise, expense of ruined items and higher energy bills. They have a week to move out. I wouldn't bother with talking and laying down ground rules as they are cfs.

Tell her to leave x

Consider the friendship over. These people are taking the piss big time.

You brought these CFs to your DMs door you need to sort it out!!

I think you have to ensure your friend makes good any damage done and make sure she realises you expect this rather than asking for her to do it. Also, might be worth asking for her to get her previous cleaner to come to your mum's house in the short term (every week she is here). Remind her that your mum is 70 and not used to young children and she will need to be a bit more respecting of that as your mum is feeling overwhelmed. For certain other things like eating meals on a cream fabric sofa you should simply tell her not to.

Your poor mum!

I would have been straight over there and kicked the CFs out, how dare they

I would definitely go round and see this for yourself. Reading what you've said it sounds so extreme that I am wondering if your mom is someone who likes clean lines, is used to being alone and suddenly she has a group living with her that even if they had the same mindset would still leave her feeling cluttered and claustrophobic? Please know I'm not saying your mom is lying, her perception is valid just it might not accurately reflect the actual circumstances in her home.

How did the babysitting start? If your friend said "oh we will leave the kids with you because you'll be in anyway" and proceeded to go out every night then she's a CF of the highest order. But if your mom offered to babysit first, or interjects "don't be silly, I'm here don't pay for a sitter when you've got so much expense with the move. It's lovely watching them and reminds me of my own children" almost making your friend feel obliged to let your mom babysit, and perhaps going out once a week (with your mom sat thinking about how she managed to go out once every couple of months or less at a similar age) then it isn't exactly your friend's fault.

In a nutshell, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle and there's poor communication between your mom and her house guests/lodgers.

It's easy to overreact when you haven't seen things for yourself nor heard the full story.
In fairness, whilst you thought you might be doing a kindness, it sounds like your mum didn't lay down any expectations of what she wanted out of this deal other than the £400 and a 4 week stay. She expected certain things but didn't communicate them and is now seeing the affects of that.

Rather than bitching about it she needs to speak to your friend and tell her what's wrong. It's her house. They're her rules. If they don't like it then by all means they can stay elsewhere. But a conversation needs to be had and I don't think you going round and agreeing with your mum will help the situation as it'll likely lead to a fall out with your friend (even if you do agree!)

Speak to your mum. Find out exactly what the issues are. If she's expecting 2 very young children to not get any food on a tablecloth then she's exceptionally unrealistic. There will be Changes when you've got 2 small children in the house. She needs to understand that and realise that she's being paid for it. Children do wake up early. That's just how it is. There will be inconvenience. She set the price and it was agreed to.

However, It's not unreasonable to expect them to eat at the table and clean up after themselves. It's not unreasonable to tell them that they need to get up with the kids at 6am if they're crying. It's not unreasonable to tell them that they need to stick to using the cupboards and fridge that they've been allocated.

I suspect everyone is very overwhelmed and it just needs a step being taken back to assess what the problem is and take it from there but you need to tell your mum that if she's looking for problems then it's going to be unpleasant for everyone.