AIBU about friend moving in with my DM?

[MrsTWH]

A friend of mine has recently sold her house and her new property isn’t ready to complete on yet. She has a DH and 2 small children (3 and 2). She rang me, stressing and crying that she would be homeless for a few weeks and didn’t know what to do. My DM in her late 70s lives on her own and has plenty of room, and I thought she would appreciate a bit of extra money before Christmas. I spoke to my DM and she said she would happily do it and would really benefit from a bit of rent for a month. I put them in touch and left them to it to arrange and check they were all happy with arrangements. I had no concerns about it, she’s a lovely person.

They have moved in and been there for 2 weeks. My DM is at the end of her tether, and called me in tears today. Apparently they are extremely untidy and messy and don’t clean up after themselves. She said it took her 2 hours to clean her kitchen today and they’ve ruined several pans. They’ve eaten all her food, even though she has given them cupboards and fridge freezer space. They don’t wash up. They have stained her Dining chairs, ruined 2 tablecloths, feed their kids on her cream sofa rather than at the dining table. She said there are make up and toiletries stains all over the bathroom and walls. They’ve ruined some of her towels. Kids toys, clothes, dirty dishes everywhere. Dirt trodden into carpets. They leave the kids in bed at the weekends until they’ve had a lie in so my mum is disturbed by crying and whinging from 6am onwards until they decide to get up at 10am. They have decided to take advantage of having my mum around and go out most evenings when the kids are in bed and leave my mum to babysit. They keep turning the heating up to 25 degrees, they bath and shower twice a day and bath the kids separately. She said she was only offered £400 rent for all 4 of them including bills and is upset that it is going to cost her more than that in bills and to replace the things that have been ruined and to get a deep clean done when they leave.

AIBU to think that my friend is utterly taking the piss out of my poor DM? Should I say something to her? I feel really shocked, I had no idea it would turn out like this and feel really bad about it.

As previous posters have said, if you go round there and things truly are this bad then this isn’t a friendship worth keeping. The priority is your mum so feel free to create merry hell and tell them all to leave immediately. There will be a Travelodge or similar available.

Please keep us updated how it goes today!

As a person who's worked in elderly care aside from the obvious mess, damage and stress this cf is putting your poor DM through there's also the major safety aspect that comes with toddlers leaving toys everywhere and an elderly person walking around. Your DM will not be used to looking out for toys on stairs etc because this has been a very recent arrangement and toddlers can leave small toys in the most unexpected places. Say one day your poor mum is stressed and tired and doesn't see that toy at the top of the stairs because cf friend is too damn lazy to clean her mess?? Older people's bones break easily. Please go round there and safeguard your poor DM before it's too late.

Your poor mum, that's terrible OP. Boot them out, fuck the friendship. Hasn't it already been ruined?

You say she's a lovely person but she and her husband sound oblivious and selfish.

I hope they go quietly and you can help your mum restore her home.

CF friend doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, she’s so nice

Sorry, but either your mum's exaggerating or this ^^ is so far off the mark it's in the next county. You've not said how "able" your mum is to speak for herself, but has she not said anything at all to them?

Overall, decent people simple don't behave this way, and why did she need somewhere else to live in any case? Why not have just set completion dates to match like most people do?

As Ps have said, you need to get round there to see it for yourself before deciding what to do

Wow. Some friend. I wouldn't hesitate to tell them to pack up and leave today. They can surely find an Airbnb or even a regular b&b for the time being. Don't leave it for your mother to sort seeing as you instigated the arrangement.

I'd be devastated if one of my 'friends' treated my wonderful Mum like that. Boot them out immediately - who cares if they have nowhere to go. That's what hotels are for

I think your friend needs to leave ASAP.
The current terms are ridiculous, the whole family pay much less than my long term single lodger.

Your cf friend needs to pay:
a) proper rent
b) 4/5ths of the bills
c) for a weekly cleaner

I'm gutted for you mum, but at least you are going to sort the mess out as a pp said, you created this situation, it's your responsibility to sort it out.

If she’s a nice person normally then go to your mum’s and stage an intervention. It’s very possible she just hasn’t thought about the impact on your mum and is treating her as she would her own parents

I would be furious at anyone doing this to someone at that age. I would be prepared to end a friendship over this. Who behaves like this? What an audacity this friend has to do this after you helping her out in a huge way.

I'd be furious too, go round and express audible shock at the makeup stains, ruined furniture, children eating on the sofa when there is a table available etc.

Get round there and give them hell.
How dare they treat someone else's house like this.
Tell them to pack up and leave immediately.
Make a list of everything they have damaged and everything they have eaten.
Itemise costs for replacing them all.
Put on the bill a full house clean.
Add the 2 weeks they have been there.
Your poor DM.
Get round there fast and don't allow them to take the piss out of your DM any more.
I'd be telling work I had a family emergency and be off round there now!

Whatever possessed you to even suggest this terrible, terrible idea?

You’re going to lose the friend here, no matter what you do, so get round there, help your mum and boot this wagon out of her home ASAP

You have a LOT to put right with your mum now too. Apologies to her too - profuse ones - and get this situation sorted.

It was a terrible idea, but that’s with hindsight- you’re a kind and generous person, but this “friend” saw you coming.

She can ftfo to Airbnb today

Jesus OP!

Your poor mother.
What a dreadful situation you have landed her in.
However unintentionally.

That person is no friend.
If it is even half as bad as your mother says, that CF is a disgrace.

I wouldn't hesitate to read her the riot act and insist she leaves immediately.

Your mother is your priority.

Using her as a babysitter!

She's no friend.

I hope you have sufficient character to sort this person and her family out.

What an awful situation for your mother. To see her house thrashed.

Did you really imagine this was a good idea.

You need to insist everything is fixed, cleaned and replaced.

Best of luck.💐

I'd be packing the CFs bags, and changing the locks. They can go to a travel lodge

Oh your poor mum. Definitely go round and see the mess with your own eyes and then tell it straight to the 'friend'. CF

You’ll probably see a mean bone soon OP. I’d be livid. I would be seething. Literal steam would be ascending from my deep maroon ears. How fucking dare she? Seriously. I am angry for you. She’s a fucking scumbag to make an elderly, clearly lovely fucking woman distressed with her sluggish, disgraceful behaviour. She’s no friend OP. She wants fucking shot if she isn’t in tears of sorrow and humiliation.

This is the email I would be sending:

"Hi Friend,

I've just been round to visit DM and I'm shocked at the state of the place. I really expected that you would respect her home whilst you were staying, It wouldn't have crossed my mind to suggest you stayed with her otherwise.

I've checked TL/Premier and they have rooms available. I think it would be better for all concerned if you moved out tonight.

I've taken photos of everything that has been damaged during your stay and will need cleaning or replacing, and I'll send the list on to you as soon as possible. I'd be grateful if you could let me know your plans for sorting this out as a priority.

Needless to say, I don't expect this to be discussed any further with my DM. Please contact me directly.

I'm so disappointed in you."

Your poor mum. Trying to do your friend a kindness and being treated like this - just awful.

Hi OP. How did the visit go?

That sounds awful op, your poor mum

Its normal to complete selling and buying at the same time , even if you have to stretch out the selling date

Are you sure she is buying another house?

I would give her a bill for the cleaning op she needs to fix it your poor mum