AIBU about friend moving in with my DM?

[MrsTWH]

A friend of mine has recently sold her house and her new property isn’t ready to complete on yet. She has a DH and 2 small children (3 and 2). She rang me, stressing and crying that she would be homeless for a few weeks and didn’t know what to do. My DM in her late 70s lives on her own and has plenty of room, and I thought she would appreciate a bit of extra money before Christmas. I spoke to my DM and she said she would happily do it and would really benefit from a bit of rent for a month. I put them in touch and left them to it to arrange and check they were all happy with arrangements. I had no concerns about it, she’s a lovely person.

They have moved in and been there for 2 weeks. My DM is at the end of her tether, and called me in tears today. Apparently they are extremely untidy and messy and don’t clean up after themselves. She said it took her 2 hours to clean her kitchen today and they’ve ruined several pans. They’ve eaten all her food, even though she has given them cupboards and fridge freezer space. They don’t wash up. They have stained her Dining chairs, ruined 2 tablecloths, feed their kids on her cream sofa rather than at the dining table. She said there are make up and toiletries stains all over the bathroom and walls. They’ve ruined some of her towels. Kids toys, clothes, dirty dishes everywhere. Dirt trodden into carpets. They leave the kids in bed at the weekends until they’ve had a lie in so my mum is disturbed by crying and whinging from 6am onwards until they decide to get up at 10am. They have decided to take advantage of having my mum around and go out most evenings when the kids are in bed and leave my mum to babysit. They keep turning the heating up to 25 degrees, they bath and shower twice a day and bath the kids separately. She said she was only offered £400 rent for all 4 of them including bills and is upset that it is going to cost her more than that in bills and to replace the things that have been ruined and to get a deep clean done when they leave.

AIBU to think that my friend is utterly taking the piss out of my poor DM? Should I say something to her? I feel really shocked, I had no idea it would turn out like this and feel really bad about it.

I thought it would be a good idea because I’ve known this woman 15 years and I’m godmother to her oldest child. My mum is an OAP who is very hands on/close to her own grandchildren but struggles on her pension and thought for such a short time she might appreciate the money. Stupid, stupid me.

Right, so I spoke to my mum again at lunchtime to say I was going to deal with it despite her asking me not to and that I was on my way over. She was raging, they’ve broken some crockery last night (as apparently friend’s DH was drunk!) but not said anything and just hidden it and left nappies in the hallway. I went straight over. It wasn’t quite as bad as I was expecting BUT this is probably because my mum has cleaned while they’re at work/nursery. A PP has touched on the fact that my mum is clearly very clean and tidy and that some of the things annoying her aren’t necessarily reasonable - like they’re not pushing the dining chairs back in after using them, for example. She is also complaining about the amount they eat - as long as it’s their food, that’s not her business. But absolutely, the rest is totally unacceptable. I was extremely angry.

My mum has not set any expectations at all, told them to make themselves at home. She said she is sitting them down tonight to be crystal clear and if no improvement in the next two days then they are gone on Friday. She has begged me not to get involved and to let her speak to them first. I think my friend is not malicious but she and her DH are clearly extreme lazy slobs and absolutely taking the piss out of someone doing them a huge favour. I am not bothered about salvaging a friendship after this. They will be paying to replace the damaged pans, pillows, crockery plus a professional deep clean including carpets. They will be paying for the increase in bills. I will make sure of it, and will reimburse my mum myself and then get the money from her if needed. My mum won’t be out of pocket.

I rang my friend at work after visiting my mum but she is unable to pick up the phone due to her job. I have left her an angry voicemail saying I will see her at my mum’s tonight and how after doing her such a big favour she should be bending over backwards to keep things clean and tidy and I’m absolutely disgusted at the state of the place and that I expect her to rectify things immediately.

So hopefully an update later. I am torn because although I’m so angry I would happily pack their stuff up and leave it outside in bags, my Mum is absolutely begging me not to interfere. I will go over tonight and support her with the “talk” and see how it goes but I am very willing and able to ask them to leave if needed.

How can you not know this about your friend? I know you said they had a cleaner, but even so you'd still have a pretty good idea how they run their home.

Oh and yes they are buying a new build and the developer pulled their completion date at the last minute but they didn’t want to lose their buyer. So I know it’s legit.

I have been in their house and it’s been fine, I genuinely didn’t know. Perhaps I always visited after the cleaner had been??

Christ this sounds like a Judith Kerr book gone wrong

If they are going to stay OP, you both need to make it very clear that they are NOT to go out and leave the DC with your DM.
If they do want to do that then it's an extra £25 per hour.
I cannot believe they are being so blatant about it all.
The ultimate CF!!!

If their house was fine, it's even worse.

They have decided to move in not give a damn about an OP and her home.

The going out an using her as a babysitter would be enough for me.

When someone shows you who they are........

Either way I can't imagine this can be satisfactorily resolved.

They are rough, vulgar people, who think the way to behave after being afforded a huge favour is to use and abuse your mother.

I certainly wouldn't like them sharing space with a parent of mine.

OP, decent people do not behave in this way.

They moved in to your mother's home when they were stuck and their first inclination is to use your mother and thrash her home.

Shameful behaviour.

Out on their ear is what they deserve.

Shocked by this. Give them hell.

it's awful OP, I feel horrible for your Mum... good on you for voicemailing this friend... sometimes that anger is needed ... and you definitely needed to express your disappointment in the treatment of your Mums home..

Thank god you’re sticking up for her op!

If your mum has begged you not to get involved won't she be really upset that you've left the livid voicemail for your friend?

Don't be surprised if she acts shocked and says but your mum told us to make ourselves at home. 🤣

What CF! The cheek of them to ask your mam to babysit!!

Hidden broken crockery? Are they like, 12?! Idiots.

God this sounds horrendous for your poor mum. I cannot believe a pp wrote Rather than bitching about it are you fucking joking?! It's called talking not 'bitching' when your house is being trashed and you are being bullied in your own home. Absolutely vile victim blaming comment.

They will be paying to replace the damaged pans, pillows, crockery plus a professional deep clean including carpets. They will be paying for the increase in bills

I'll be amazed if they do

Your DM asking you not to interfere has been a bit wrecked by the message you left the CF, so I'd just be there for their "talk" and back DM up if necessary. Somebody's going to have to act, though - if the builders are delaying completion, that could go on for ages

I'd be livid. Being this disrespectful to your mother would be the end of the friendship for me. They are adults. Being messy isnt an excuse. It isnt their house. Hiding broken items is deceitful. They are not good people. They are arseholes. I'd be going around and telling them to pack their things and leave. I'd also be telling them they will be billed for anything damaged and would threaten court if the bill isnt settled. Entitled bastards.

I really hope the talk goes well and it's resolved fairly, ie. They fuck off after paying up for all damages plus 400 plus cleaning/babysitting. Awaiting patiently for an update.

I'm gald you are going round OP - despite your Mum wanting to deal with it herself. I would worry that on her own, people who are capable of trashing her house, breaking her crockery and getting drunk won't think twice about trying to intimidate her, she may be a very independent and capable person but at 79 she is vulnerable.

I'd be prepared for them to get very unpleasant - on her own your friend might have been apologetic but often when people have the back up of a spouse or whatever they are much more pushy than they would be. That's why your Mum needs your back up, and I'm sure she will be glad of your presence when it comes down to it.

good luck.

The bloody slobs. That’s disgusting behaviour. They should have been bending over backwards for your poor mum. They should be out on their arse to the nearest Travelodge.

Good luck tonight OP

She's your friend and you e never been to their house and seen how they live? People don't suddenly go from tidy careful people to utter scumbags. Surely you realised it could go wrong? Tell them they have to leave by the weekend.

Your poor mum must be at the end of her tether. I hope you resolve it tonight.

Ugh, seeing your “friend’s” true colours

They’re taking the piss big time, but expect to lose the friendship Over this ☹️

I don't think that your mum should give them a chance tbh.

They have no respect for her or her belongings.

The husband has been drunk FFS!

She'll be on edge all the time.