AIBU about friend moving in with my DM?

[MrsTWH]

A friend of mine has recently sold her house and her new property isn’t ready to complete on yet. She has a DH and 2 small children (3 and 2). She rang me, stressing and crying that she would be homeless for a few weeks and didn’t know what to do. My DM in her late 70s lives on her own and has plenty of room, and I thought she would appreciate a bit of extra money before Christmas. I spoke to my DM and she said she would happily do it and would really benefit from a bit of rent for a month. I put them in touch and left them to it to arrange and check they were all happy with arrangements. I had no concerns about it, she’s a lovely person.

They have moved in and been there for 2 weeks. My DM is at the end of her tether, and called me in tears today. Apparently they are extremely untidy and messy and don’t clean up after themselves. She said it took her 2 hours to clean her kitchen today and they’ve ruined several pans. They’ve eaten all her food, even though she has given them cupboards and fridge freezer space. They don’t wash up. They have stained her Dining chairs, ruined 2 tablecloths, feed their kids on her cream sofa rather than at the dining table. She said there are make up and toiletries stains all over the bathroom and walls. They’ve ruined some of her towels. Kids toys, clothes, dirty dishes everywhere. Dirt trodden into carpets. They leave the kids in bed at the weekends until they’ve had a lie in so my mum is disturbed by crying and whinging from 6am onwards until they decide to get up at 10am. They have decided to take advantage of having my mum around and go out most evenings when the kids are in bed and leave my mum to babysit. They keep turning the heating up to 25 degrees, they bath and shower twice a day and bath the kids separately. She said she was only offered £400 rent for all 4 of them including bills and is upset that it is going to cost her more than that in bills and to replace the things that have been ruined and to get a deep clean done when they leave.

AIBU to think that my friend is utterly taking the piss out of my poor DM? Should I say something to her? I feel really shocked, I had no idea it would turn out like this and feel really bad about it.

Yes my DM will be annoyed I’ve left the voicemail. But it was that or do nothing and no matter what she says she wants, I can’t sit by and watch it happen when it was my fault they’re staying with her! And I was careful to say I’d been over to visit mum today and seen it for myself so no reason to for friend to think my mum has been complaining to me.

Yellowallpaper- yes, I have visited their house. She has two small children and it was never anything remarkable. I’m a very tidy person and have been in a lot of homes (work related) and it was normal. Not spotless, no, but not dirty either.

They may decide not to pay up, in which case I will cover all DM’s costs myself so she’s not short or left with a messy house.

She's your friend and you e never been to their house and seen how they live?

OP's already said she had, and their place was always tidy, otherwise she wouldn't have suggested it.

Don't be surprised if she acts shocked and says but your mum told us to make ourselves at home.
And then OP can say that their house was never like that when she visited. And also, that everybody knows that saying "Make yourself at home" does come with caveats, and you need to act in a decent manner, so even if you normally invite half the pub back to your own place, you wouldn't do it when staying with someone else.

Good luck OP.

They are rough, vulgar people

Clearly

I'm not doubting you for an instant, MrsTWH, when you say their own home's fairly normal, but it's still very odd to go from that to this kind of piggery. Usuallly it's possible to see where behaviour comes from, but I admit this one would beat me

Anyway, good luck for the discussion tonight ...

Goid luck for tonight, your friend is at best irresponsible, at worst dirty and lazy.

Blimey that's awful. Hopefully they will buck up there ideas. Hope it gets sorted. X

I think the big factor here is your mam is an elderly lady, living alone, and her house isn't "child proof". Two very young children have moved in and have done what small children do. There's a reason parents of young children tend not to have light coloured furniture and carpet.

Your friend is obviously in the wrong. But I don't know what else you expected from two young children.

I think this was a very badly thought out idea from all sides. Your mum's house isn't suitable for young children, and nobody seems to have considered that, until now it has all blown up.

I think, considering you said your mum is very tidy and the house wasn't as bad as you expected, your voicemail was a step too far at this stage. You have gone km on the attack immediate and now there's nowhere left to go. A discussion should have been had. First of all between your friend and your mum. Maybe your friend intended on getting a cleaner in anyway, or paying for a deep clean anyway. But this should have been communicated between the adults in the house.

I hope it goes well, but if this friend is normally a good friend and you have never ever had any issue with her, then I think you were a bit quick going for the nuclear option.

Hope it all works out and your mam gets her peace back. I think the friendship is done, though.

Good luck!

Oh dear, I don't think this will end well for anybody!

I can't believe you left an angry voicemail after your mum asked you to keep out. It might have needed saying but you should have given your mum a chance to sort it.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Child proof or not, young kids or not, if it were me, I'd expect the parents to act with respect and have some self awareness in someone else's house,

Posted too soon.

Having two small kids doesn't excuse the fact they don't clear up after themselves, eat food they are not entitled to, and ruin pans. If I had two small kids and I shacked them off to my friend's elderly mother's house I would hopefully do my very best to fit in with her lifestyle, not the other way around seeing as she is the one doing them the favour.

I wouldn't be feeding them on cream sofas, or any sofas! Of course kids make a mess but I think the point is that they are not cleaning up after themselves.

How’s your mum this eve?

supercee, I'm not saying otherwise. My in-laws house isn't child proof. We rarely visit. I'm on edge the entire time waiting for my smallies to lean on the glass top coffee table or break one of the many vases or knick-knacks that are carefully dotted around the house.

I certainly couldn't live there. And I know if I did my children would dirty things, or things would inevitable, unintentionally get broken. The OP bulldozed in (understandably) without giving the opportunity for calm, reasonable discussion. Her mum said she would address it and asked her not to interfere. OP didn't give her mum a chance to address it and went straight on the attack.

I understand her feelings and why. But going at her like Kat Slater is unlikely to yield a reasonable outcome and salvage any sort of relationship.

I'm just going by the OP saying the friend is usually lovely. I think OP handled this badly, so far. I hope this evening brings a resolution.

Good luck. Got a feeling none of it will be their "fault" tho!

There is an option for your mum to say 'look, in hindsight we didn't work this out properly. You need to find somewhere else and reimburse me for my broken and spoiled things, pay a proportion of the rent we agreed up till the date you move out, then we'll call it quits'.

Supercee, I completely understand what you're saying. I also wouldn't let my children eat on cream sofas... But I wouldn't move into a house belonging to someone else with cream sofas to begin with!

OP did say the house wasn't as bad as she expected, so I'm thinking the mum might have exaggerated some of it. OP mentions chairs not being pushed back in to the table, for example!

The family should have never moved in to a house so unsuitable.
The OP should have never offered a house so unsuitable.
The mother should have never agreed to allowing a family move in with her.

Whether the house was suitable or not hiding the plate a drunk friend (was DM asked if it was ok if he came round?) had broken was completely out of order.

They sound like complete piss takers - bad enough making such a mess and damaging things but to also treat your mum as a babysitter without asking if she's ok with that is the height of rudeness.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre yes definitely! Agree with you there.

@MrsTWH
so no reason to for friend to think my mum has been complaining to me.

She has EVERY reason to complain OP, your friend is an adult. Please tell DM not to feel guilty about this, nor you, you didn’t know she’d act like this, it’s not your fault in the slightest. You know what they say, what goes on behind closed doors.

This is shocking behaviour. Yes children are messy, yes accidents happen, so you clean them up and apologise profusely. Just buggering off out everynight and leaving your kids alone with an elderly lady who they don't know is not only shit parenting but taking the absolute piss. Dirty pigs. They've no respect for your mother, her property or you and your friendship. You live and learn. Don't be a nice kind person it invariably gets spat back in your face. I hope you get this sorted for yours and especially your poor mums sake.

@MrsTWH check to see if your “friend” is receiving damages (£) from house builders - they may be pocketing some of this and underpaying your DM

Right ok - perhaps leaving the voicemail was a mistake (I hardly went Kat Slater though!). I can’t really win. Last night’s unanimous “why the hell haven’t you stepped in, you stupid idiot?!” made me rightly angry on my DM’s behalf and I probably got riled up.

I don’t see how a normal sized 3 bedroom house is unsuitable for a family. It’s actually not the children causing the issue, there are a few toys around but the stains on chairs and tablecloths and doors and bathrooms are all adult stains! The kids haven’t ruined pans, etc. There is a perfectly good dining room to eat in, friend and her DH are eating in it. But they are feeding their kids in the living room on the sofas. DM has put throws on the sofas.

DM asked me not to come over this eve so I have stepped back and let her deal with it, like she asked. I have made my feelings clear in my voicemail. They are talking now. I’ve asked DM to call and update me or let me know if she needs back up!

What a nightmare, OP - your friends sound so ungrateful.

Did she ring you back after you left the voicemail? (I think you were right to ring)