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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with MIL's demand

152 replies

Arabiannights01 · 11/11/2019 22:22

My DH has told me that his Mother wants our DS once a month for the whole weekend. I was really startled when my DH decided to whimsically make this statement on putting our DS to bed.

Aibu to be annoyed that: A) she didn't ask me, b) she makes no effort to see DS apart from the odd invitation to a family gathering twice a year, c) sick of hearing the odd snide comment about DS spending more time with my DM, d) think that as An ex social worker she should know better than to place a demand like this.

My DS has just turned two, he is a sensitive little soul and he hates being anywhere without me - it has taken two years for him to settle at nursery.

Another point to make is that they live 60 miles away from us and my DH often works weekends and long weeks so his time with DS is precious and I have told her this before.

AIBU? What would you say to her? Thank you.

OP posts:
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 12/11/2019 08:27

I would have LOVED my mil or my parents to have mine one weekend a month, not had a night off in 15 years!! You might not want to yet but dont write it off completely. I'd feel so lucky to have 2 sets of grandparents that were desperate to have their gc in their lives.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 12/11/2019 08:28

The important point here is that the grandma makes no effort to see DS apart from the odd invitation to a family gathering twice a year

If she would like to see more of her grandchild she could start by visiting more often, or inviting him to visit with his parents, or asking to Skype. And then she can build a relationship with him. Anything else is bonkers.

And fwiw, my kids spent weekends alone with MIL, and were never left alone with my mum for a single second.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 12/11/2019 08:31

There is nothing wrong with her asking her son. If you don’t like the idea, just say no. A 2year old does not need sleepovers

This.
Nothing wrong with asking, but equally nothing wrong with saying no if neither you or your child is ready.

Amber2019 · 12/11/2019 08:34

If you dont want him to go just say no. My mother in law always asks if she can take my almost 2 year old and my partner always wonders why she doesnt ask him. Maybe she's on here....
I pretty much let them take him anytime unless we have plans. Hes really close to them though and loves staying with granny and grandad. She also visits regularly. We are glad of the break. Maybe because I have a 15 year old who's dad and his family never bothered so I'm glad this little one has a whole extended family who love him and want to be involved.
I was really close to my grandparents growing up though and stayed there most weekends. I loved it.

MegaClutterSlut · 12/11/2019 08:41

My inlaws and mum both had the DC regularly. In fact they probably spent more time with my inlaws. I'm saying yanbu on the grounds that she sees your ds rarely and I don't think he'd enjoying being with someone who is effectively a stranger to him. To even consider him staying she needs to step up contact quite a bit for him to get to know her and want to go and stay with nanny

diddl · 12/11/2019 08:43

I think a whole weekend (sat, sat night & sun?) would be a lot even if they did see each other quite often.

She needs to start by visiting!

crazychemist · 12/11/2019 08:46

“thanks, that’s a lovely offer, but he’s still very young and I don’t want to miss weekends together as a family just yet.”

Unless she is awful with him, it might be nice to extend an olive branch. You’re not ok with this arrangement, that’s fine. Why not offer for her to come down more often? Maybe she could come visit you one weekend a month, and then that gives you the option of popping out for some alone time with DH, leaving your DS to have some time with his granny in his own home where he is comfortable. IF they build a fabulous relationship maybe he’d enjoy some weekend visits in a few years. If he doesn’t like it and clings to your legs when you and DH try to nip out for coffee, then you shouldn’t be shipping him off to her.

It’s not about whose parent she is. It’s about whether she has a good relationship with your DS and he feels happy and confident with her.

(Asking your DH is not unreasonable. You wouldn’t expect your mother to go to him first, would you?)

Settlersofcatan · 12/11/2019 08:48

I strongly suspect that your DH really wants some childfree time. A weekend with your son with someone he isn't used to is clearly not the way forward but I would definitely ask him about it and perhaps you can compromise on a few hours out as a couple some time?

As an aside, if any one with this "problem" has a MIL who would take substitutions, I would be very happy for them to look after my young children for a weekend. We are fortunate to be able to pay for evening babysitting but won't be able to have a night away for a long time

SmileyGiraffe · 12/11/2019 08:50

Surely there are the same number of DPs wanting things like this as there are PILs. However, there will be exponentially more threads about PILs because it'd be much easier to have a word with your own parents who you've got that relationship with instead of people of a different generation who you have nothing in common with other than you both love their son - where you may need advice on how to handle them.

Straycatstrut · 12/11/2019 09:18

I'd say hahahaha, good one MIL!... oh wait you were serious? Of course not!

Mine demanded every Sunday with my newborn I said no way and stood there and death stared it out with her until she left.

wineandroses1 · 12/11/2019 17:45

crazychemist’s response is perfect.

WagtailRobin · 12/11/2019 18:42

I don't think she has done anything wrong by asking and by only asking your husband, he is her son after all. When your mum asks anything, does she ask you and your husband or just you?

Asking to have your child every weekend is however excessive and would be a very firm no but that's up to your husband to sort as he is the one she asked, tell him to tell her NO. End of story!

monkeymonkey2010 · 13/11/2019 01:58

as An ex social worker she should know better than to place a demand like this

As an ex social worker she also knows that any regular/routine access/contact time can be used as proof of a strong-enough relationship for her to take you to court for access later down the road....read up on Grandparents Rights criteria.......

Mothership4two · 13/11/2019 05:33

Oh I see so your DM is okay to have your ‘nervous’ and ‘unsettled‘ son (who you shoved into nursery from birth despite not working) once a month but your mil isn’t? No wonder your DP and Mil are pissed off.

OP has said dm looks after son once a month or less to help them out ie babysit and didnt say for whole weekends. They both shoved their son into nursery and OP hasn't said she doesn't work. I think it is perfectly reasonable for mil to ask her son and not her dil. Asking for a gc to stay for a weekend once a month is quite a lot. In her place I would not agree to either my dm or my mil having my child for that long so often. Maybe it came out a bit clunky by dh. If dh and mil are pissed off then perhaps if she offered to help out with babysitting, or went to visit regularly, mil would get this extra time with her gc.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 13/11/2019 05:55

Why is it more important she ask the mother, than the father? The father being her own son? The one she probably communicates more with?

I take it this is your first child. I was precious about my first and rarely left him anywhere with anyone. First night I spent away from him was when I was in hospital having my second!

By the time I had 2 or 3 I would happily hand one or all of them over to anyone who offered!

If you're not happy with the suggestion (demand?) then simply say that. No need for dramatics about it though.

NoSauce · 13/11/2019 07:00

Did the OP have a NC fail? As I can’t see where she posted about her DS going to nursery from birth.

Peaseblossom22 · 13/11/2019 07:03

In the OP she says the ds is two , if he has taken two years to settle at nursery ( also in OP) that means he must have been very young when starting nursery

NoSauce · 13/11/2019 07:07

I am surprised at the votes tbh. You sound very dramatic and like you have to everything your way.

MIL didn’t demand did she? She put it to her son and why shouldn’t she?

But of course it’s ok for your mum to have him. Your son isn’t just yours, you don’t get the final say whether he can go and stay at his other GM.

NoSauce · 13/11/2019 07:09

Peaseblossom22 thank you, yes I went back and saw that, I was just confused when someone said the DS has been “shoved” in nursery from birth and the OP didn’t work!

hammeringinmyhead · 13/11/2019 07:21

She does work, according to other posts. Enough with the shoving into nursery like it's some sort of hellhole.

NoSauce · 13/11/2019 07:22

I was quoting the shoved comment Hmm

hammeringinmyhead · 13/11/2019 07:25

Yes, I know!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/11/2019 07:27

Thanks for the offer but not at the moment as he is too young, you’d Miss him and weekend are our only family time.
Don’t burn bridges completely-you might fancy a child free weekend at some point in the future.

hammeringinmyhead · 13/11/2019 07:27

Posted too soon - I was responding to whoever said it first. I can't find the post now.

jackstini · 13/11/2019 07:28

What did your DH say to her at the time?

You mentioned he sometimes works weekends - would he be thinking that would be a good time for his Mum to have DS?

Agree a weekend every month is ridiculous but maybe 1 night occasionally so they can start developing a closer bond could be possible

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