To be angry with MIL's demand

[Arabiannights01]

My DH has told me that his Mother wants our DS once a month for the whole weekend. I was really startled when my DH decided to whimsically make this statement on putting our DS to bed.

Aibu to be annoyed that: A) she didn't ask me, b) she makes no effort to see DS apart from the odd invitation to a family gathering twice a year, c) sick of hearing the odd snide comment about DS spending more time with my DM, d) think that as An ex social worker she should know better than to place a demand like this.

My DS has just turned two, he is a sensitive little soul and he hates being anywhere without me - it has taken two years for him to settle at nursery.

Another point to make is that they live 60 miles away from us and my DH often works weekends and long weeks so his time with DS is precious and I have told her this before.

AIBU? What would you say to her? Thank you.

@Zofloramummy, but does the contact not have to start somewhere?

I think it’s fine that she asked her own son.

Or I would if she had asked and not demanded. You are both parents.

The rest of it? Wtf is she thinking?

I'm with you @frazzledasarock. I would look after someone else's child in an emergency if they needed help, but I am glad my baby/ toddler parenting days are over. I certainly won't be wanting my grandchildren for weekends on a regular basis. Of course if my child/ their partner was ill or something I would help out but any future DILs I might have can rest easy - I am not going to be demanding, or even asking for overnight visits etc.
However, I do think that the OP is being a bit unreasonable in being upset that her MIL has spoken to her DH rather than her. Surely it is the norm for parents to communicate more with their child than their child's partner? I would be shocked if my MIL bypassed DH and made arrangements about anything with me.

@AhNowTed I understand what you are saying but what I mean is I do things very like my own mother did and so it’s a more natural fit. I think a lot of mums and daughters are like this. I’ve always wanted to involve my MIL she has time with the kids she just doesn’t take them over night but neither does my own mother.

Styles are very different that’s all I am saying. With my mum she knows the things I would and wouldn’t do with DC. MIL doesn’t and in the beginning it was difficult. I had to remind her of things like please don’t put ds on his side to sleep! Or feed the older one while grapes 😳 her parenting style is very much 1970’s before we realised certain things where dangerous, but hats off to her she over time tried and I am happy to say my dc have gold relationships with both sides of the family and even MIL pets.

No grandparent out trumps any other grandparents and they all deserve to build a relationship but what a grandparent wants certainly shouldn’t out trump what a mother or father feels comfortable with. For me leaving my Dc with anyone for a weekend wouldn’t feel right, I think OP doesn’t want to let her child go and there is other ways to build relationships.

*whole grapes

I was the kid whose gps wanted exclusive time with her. Eventually I got closed to my gm as she was more openly affectionate and dm was a bit reserved/ shy type. She hated it as gm was not nice to her and would occasionally also try to manipulate me. She was also very controlling, would keep my toys locked and occasionally punish in really mean ways.

I am 41 now and dm blames me for this. We could never have mother-daughter closeness. I feel resentful towards her that she could not protect me. I am sure it's not so bad in your case but you should be careful.

Please tell her to visit you all for the weekend. He is too small and needs his parents.

@Hotwaterbottle01 I see what you're saying and you seem fairly balanced towards your MIL, and that's great.

The OP on the other hand seems to have taken against her MIL for no good reason other than she's not her mum, and doesn't live locally.

I take issue, and it's not uncommon, with mothers who favour their own mums over their partners mums, for no good reason, and it's just not bloody fair.

My mum used to have ds1 for weekends just because she loved him. Fancy that!

I'm guessing she had a close relationship with him, and he was happy to go? Kind of a crucial aspect to it all.

I'd be more than happy for MIL to have our DC because, in spite of being on the other side of the world, she has a close relationship with them, adores them, and they her.

I'm guessing that maybe doesn't apply here.

I really don’t think you need to prepare anything g as a conversation other than “No, sorry”.

Don’t feel bad. Exactly the same as being out for dinner and someone saying they’d like to stick their finger in your soup. “No, sorry”

Dsis's MIL is a social worker and is quite controlling too about having the GC for half the weekend, every weekend. I think out of consideration for the child, you should check with their primary caregiver first (in this case the mother) and giving them time to discuss with their partner before planning their weekends whether you are their mum or MIL.

Asking for occasional sleepovers might be okay-- especially as he gets older and more confident. The expectation that she should have him exclusively for a whole weekend out of every month takes things too far (especially given his reluctance to be away from you).

I'd discuss it with your husband. Does he agree that this "demand" is unreasonable? If not, you need to settle that between you first. I'd encourage her to visit more often or suggest that you can visit her more often as a family.

It's good that she wants to have a closer relationship with him, but she's asking for a big change-- too much, too soon.

@Derbee I really don’t think you need to prepare anything g as a conversation other than “No, sorry”

but why not?

is she that nasty? Is she mentally unfit? Is she cruel? She managed to produce a man you love, her dna is all over that; she got him to adulthood; what exactly is pissing you off OP?

It always baffles me when people think that being a MIL automatically makes someone a nice person. All the staunch MIL defenders seem to take it very personally when a poster says they don't get on with their MIL and then lists a host of valid reasons, usually just the icing on the cake. The defenders jump right in, excusing the MIL's behaviour and saying how sorry they feel for them!
It is completely natural for a woman to trust and love her own mother, whom she has known all her life, more than another woman whom she has known for a short time but is expected to suddenly have a strong relationship and bond with. Trusting someone with the most precious thing in your life is not easy so I absolutely see why some women are happier for their own mothers to look after their children. Some women admit on here that they aren't comfortable with their kids going to anyone else, some grin and bear it, and some have no problem with it at all. No one is right or wrong. You don't have to give your children to anyone, family or not. Just being a husband's mum doesn't automatically make anyone a nice person or mean that you have to love them yourself. Throwing women together with no shared history or affection for each other, coupled sometimes with rivalry, and expecting positive results all the time is never going to work.
The fact is that if one parents isn't ok with something then it shouldn't happen. So if OP's husband didn't want their child sleeping over at her mother's then it wouldn't happen either. Both parents' wishes need to be respected and I'm sorry but the MIL's wishes aren't even relevant.

Exactly ^^ this isn't even a MIL issue per se, it's that this particular MIL doesn't have a close enough relationship with her DGC, and wants too much, too soon.

Some people seem to struggle with nuancing - and jump on to damn, in the case, a MIL, or defend them. Without actually exploring or considering why an OP feels they way they do.

That would be a straightforward and plain No at this stage.

If your DH were to go too, it would be better - at that age my DH was taking DS1 to his mother's place (only 15 mins up the road, but has water front, so a bit like a holiday place!) overnight but he always stayed too! I used to appreciate the time off, I have to say, but I wouldn't have let him go by himself at that age.

She should have asked you too of course but maybe you don't have the best relationship and she thought it would be a flat veto if she did - I mean it's still likely to be a flat no now, but at least it can be digested before being presented.

Blimey a GP actually wanting to be with her GC for pleasure when not just providing childcare.

She must be an absolute monster.

Well I’d tell my DH that someone will be staying at MIL’s house if he doesn’t tell her that’s never going to happen but it won’t be 2 year old.

All the staunch MIL defenders seem to take it very personally when a poster says they don't get on with their MIL

you'll find it is the opposite statistically on this forum

I am not a MIL, but all the complaining DIL's will be one day, grow up and figure it out. What you want for yourself is what you should be kind enough to work out with another person.

All the staunch MIL defenders seem to take it very personally when a poster says they don't get on with their MIL

you'll find it is the opposite statistically on this forum

I am not a MIL, but all the complaining DIL's will be one day, grow up and figure it out. What you want for yourself is what you should be kind enough to work out with another person.

I'm not sure I follow. Statistically, MIL defenders don't take it personally?

Most people don't automatically hate their mothers in law. Saying that women who don't get on with their MILs because of MIL's erratic/disrespectful/spiteful/arsehole behaviour will one day be mothers in law themselves like it's some kind of threat is absurd. Just don't be an arsehole and you might stand a chance of having a lovely relationship with your daughter/son in law. The majority of DILs on here have genuine complaints about their MIL's behaviour, not just spouting bile about a wonderful woman just because. And if they were they get called out on it. Not all MILs are kindly old ladies who need to be placed on a velvet pillow. Some are unreasonable women who the DIL has tried time and time again to accommodate but has reached the end of her tether. They matter too, it's not all about what a MIL wants!

Wanting to have a 2-year-old child a full weekend every month without his parents is hardly "a simple ask." Especially when one doesn't even ask the mother of said child. I hardly feel sorry for the MIL.

Op's MIL asked for a whole weekend? More likely that 'whimsical ' H has been dropping heavy hints about having a weekend of babysitting provided.

YANBU to say no
YABabitU to be angry. Just say no, it's not a court order.

I am usually on the DIL side having nightmare in laws myself but you seem a bit prone to exaggeration.

Why shouldn't she ask your DH? He's her son and the baby's father. He's now asking you. I think that's all pretty normal.

He's 2. He could have sleep overs if you were all comfortable with it. It's not some mad request like when you see GPS on here expecting overnights with a weeks old baby.

He's 2 and he's been in nursery since... his birth? Part of your OP suggests he can't be away from you but then you say he's been in nursery since he was tiny? Which is it?

Read some of the serious issues people have with their family on the relationship board and count your blessings.

It's fine to say no to regular sleepovers (I would as well!) but don't go looking for conflict. You'll inevitably find it.

You're using very strong words to dramatise what sounds like a simple ask

Of course. They always do. How else do they get the majority on their side?